Workout 2

Where do I even begin? I have another full length workout for you. I slept poorly last night (traumatic nightmares) and I was, as you will see, a little out of it. My workout is actually on that piece of paper I am straining to see, I just used the workout video in the background as a timer. I messed up a couple of times. I left out some skips which I had to add back later. I feel like you can see pretty well from this angle (not perfectly because I am still headless when standing). If I ever teach workouts I will have to move to a larger room so I can get a full shot. I am not exactly sure how my webcam is going to do with voice recording if I ever talk, I have a feeling the voice quality is going to be an issue.

Why am I doing this?

As I mentioned before I had a traumatic childhood. As a result of that trauma I developed PTSD, Body Dysmorphia, and Dissociative Disorder. I hate being watched. Being watched is paralyzing. In school I had a very difficult time in performance subjects like music and gym. I am that adult who stops breathing or hyperventilates when people so much as glance in my general direction. I am that adult whose work slows to a crawl when her boss is in the same room. I am that adult who can’t pour drinks or cut cakes at parties because of her extreme clumsiness. I don’t just change my behavior when being observed I become hopelessly, irrationally incompetent. So the camera thing is in part to help me connect mind and body and in part to help me desensitize myself to observation.

Now I know this is going to sound crazy because it is crazy but I believe that photographs are partially sentient. I don’t believe this intellectually but somewhere in my mind the concept exists because I can’t have photos anywhere near me or else I start conversing with them. I also don’t like when the camera is pointed at me even if no one is behind it. I know when I make these films that I don’t have to post them. I also know that unless I tell you about them you have no idea that I have even made them. That gives me some sense of control. I do think this desensitization process is working because the other day when I did chair pose I was actually breathing. I also care less about fat rolls because honestly a week ago I wouldn’t have posted this in light of my flabbiness. I have some loose skin in the lower abs from pregnancy and because of the scarring it doesn’t fully tighten. I want to get to a place of self-acceptance. I want to be able to go swimming. I love swimming but I never go because I don’t want to be seen in a swimsuit. When I was an overweight preteen a classmate took some video footage of a headless me in a swimsuit (we were at the pool for a class trip). As the image was headless my identity was hidden but for years they would play that video back and make fun of the hideous, headless fat girl. I was that hideous, headless fat girl. The girl who took the footage was not trying to be mean, she was just filming the class trip (I actually think she edited out my face). I doubt it even occurred to her the negative impact that video was going to have on my self-esteem. At that age a lot of the girls had 6 packs and flat abs so I felt like a whale. I still feel like that same girl though, like I have not changed at all.

Lastly I want others like me. Clumsy types. Shy types. Mid-weight body-types. To feel good about themselves. Right now we are flooded with extremes. The media likes ultra slim girls with chiseled abs. The media likes vivacious, curvaceous plus-sized models. That is fine of course but us regular girls seem to have no place anymore. As a regular girl people criticize me for being too fat and being too thin! Sometimes in the same day! Society seems to have forgotten what us people in the middle look like. There is no good enough for society. There is no just right as far as society is concerned. Societies idea of healthy is not only unattainable but dangerous.

I also did this little ab workout because my other workout was a little shorter than expected. I look terrible in this yikes. The first exercise I did was new to me so I got a little confused.