To avoid a lengthy summary of my situation please refer to this post


Some time in February I went to visit the Neurologist an experience I wrote about in the above post. I expressed very little about my experience with Dr. S as I was, at the time, extremely emotional. When I went into the meeting I was under the impression that I was meeting with my new Neurologist. I was excited and hopeful that I was going to get answers and treatment options, something Dr G had not provided. I had no idea that I was stepping into an ambush but that is exactly what it was an ambush.


Dr. S was extremely condescending and accusatory. When I explained the mix up to her in detail and with the collaboration of my husband she flat out told me that I have memory and mental health issues and thus I cannot expect anyone to trust my version of the story. She also indicated that I should not trust my own experience given my issues. I walked out of that appointment in tears. I cried for days afterwards. Sam wanted to report Dr. G for gross incompetence but I told him without written proof we don’t have a case. I am a terrible record keeper and tend to delete and dispose without much consideration so I figured even if we did scour our records the likelihood of finding something to corroborate our side of the story was unlikely. I wanted to move forward with treatment for PNES and put everything behind me. The experience was horrible and it severely damaged my trust in the health care system. Worse than that the experience has caused me to second guess myself to an unhealthy and debilitating degree.


I have been doing extensive spring cleaning over the last few weeks and today I decided to tackle some of our paperwork a task I have been dreading for years! Today I found proof a certified letter from Dr. R stating that I have Epilepsy. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Why is it so important? Because it validates and corroborates what I’ve been telling Dr. G all along. Dr. R told me on numerous occasions that I had Epilepsy but Dr. G and Dr. S insisted so much that I was lying that I had started to believe I’d brainwashed myself and all my friends and family besides.  I needed to see written proof. No I don’t plan to pursue legal action because I want nothing at all to do with any of the doctors involved. No I don’t plan to find a new Neurologist for treatment of Epilepsy I am still proceeding with this being psychological in origin. I doubt the competence of every doctor involved but the facts remain that medication was not effective so I have no choice but to take an alternate route.


I received an unsettling letter in the mail recently asking why I wanted to discontinue counseling services. I emailed my therapist promptly telling her I had no such intentions. I asked her why she thought I wanted to discontinue and it appears that when Dr. S discontinued my services that she attempted to discontinue more than just my Neurology services. Am I pissed off? You bet but I have a feeling if I attempt to contact Dr. G or Dr. S in any form they would just make a mess of everything. I do wonder if I need to find a new therapist as this one has been in contact with Dr. S and Dr. G and has already been confused. I fear I might not be able to straiten the situation out properly and establish a trusting relationship.


Now for some advice


Save everything from your doctor

Ask for copies of all your tests and records and keep them

Record conversations/appointments especially if your are suffering from any memory or mental health issues because they will dispute everything you say




Day 4 Zero to Hero


While many people find socialization easier online, my shyness remains an obstacle. Even commenting poses dilemmas as I worry that my Dyslexia might inadvertently negate an intended compliment. I find also myself reticent to engage in joint ventures and projects despite enthusiasm. Over the years it has become easier for me to participate in challenges and prompts provided the process of submission is strait-forward and the environs sufficiently welcoming. Contests, on the other hand, require a level of confidence I do not yet possess.


Not long after joining WordPress I was invited to participate in a Poetry Share (which has since become inactive). Through that site I was able to connect with other bloggers for the first time. That initial invitation generated more invitations and before I knew it I was an active member of the blogging community! While opportunities presented themselves, despite a complete lack of awareness on my part, I did not become an overnight sensation (well technically I still haven’t become a sensation). Gathering members and eliciting feedback took a tremendous amount of effort. I can’t blame that entirely on my incompetence ultimately it was the content that was killing my blog. My poems were long, redundant, poorly edited, and filled with angst. My poems are still primarily dark but I believe I have improved on their presentation.


Prior to blogging I hosted a role-playing site. Having had previous experience managing a group of writers and devising scenarios I decided to host a prompt at my personal site. To be honest I thought it would be a total flop. I wasn’t sure that I had enough followers or that my ideas would generate sufficient interest. While my prompt is small, it remains active.


When I created the role-playing site I had hoped sincerely that everyone would play together but it didn’t turn out that way. As such I was often called on to play eight different characters simultaneously. As these characters could be seen by everyone in the group and as anyone could interact with them they all had to be completely different. I couldn’t cheat (not that I would have) by creating two good characters and switching up their histories and appearances, I had to create eight fully developed personas. Sometimes I had to create a character on the spot as roles would spring up that had to be filled immediately. We posted several times a day which gave me little time to prepare encase of emergency. As I was playing so many characters I felt at times like I was suffering from DID, each post required me to become someone else entirely. Needless to say it was intense. I loved it, it gave me the opportunity to explore the human psyche to a degree not even afforded most psychologists. Role-playing helped me to overcome some of my performance anxiety and managing a prompt is comparatively easy.


As for posting my personal journal online? Having role-played villains for years my own diary is positively tame in comparison. Seriously though it breaks my heart when people believe themselves to be evil/irredeemable/less than/irreparable. Being something of a drive by confessional I have borne witness only to humanness. By posting my own journal I am making a public declaration that our emotions and thoughts are not themselves a sign of evil or latent criminality. I am owning my faults that others may know themselves as human, as beautiful, as intrinsically good.

I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

Zero to Hero Day 1


I like to keep my primary blog centered around my creative endeavors so I decided to do the Zero to Hero challenge here at my secondary site. That is the first reason, the second reason is that the readers of Mindlovemisery likely have a good idea of who I am through my work and our ongoing correspondence. For me there is no greater challenge than the summation of my essence in a few hastily contrived paragraphs. I could list my characteristics (which I will do) but the adjectives are endless and oft times contradictory. I have my ideal version of self, my villainized version of self, and the more meat and potatoes version of self which tends itself toward caricature. I am easily discouraged and overwhelmed, impatient, obstinate, insecure, sarcastic even when sincere and perhaps especially then (something in my voice quality), naive, grumpy, directionally impaired, spacey, reserved, impulsive, inappropriate, eccentric, friendly but aloof, abstract, creative, open, introspective, easily distracted, awkward, clumsy, open-minded, philosophical, moody, silly, superstitious, innocent and yet rather perverted simultaneously, forgetful, shy, melancholic, contradictory, intense, obsessive, unique etc.

The most common compliments I receive are on my

Writing (particularly imagery)







Natural fangs


Porcelain skin





Willingness to do the jobs no one else will do

The way I walk in high heels (it is absolutely barbaric but undeniably hilarious)

Willingness to participate in random acts of song and dance

Sense of humor


Most common criticisms

Bad memory

Poor attention span

Lack of coordination

Selfishness (I take time for myself if I need it and I say no when I am unable and/or unwilling to perform a task one of my most envied and hated characteristics!)

Poor social skills

Poor spatial skills


Poor math skills


Tendency to exaggerate when I am really upset

Lack of motivation

Frequent illness

Insensitivity (I am not so much insensitive as my poor social skills sometimes make me seem staccato)

Oversized clothing


A very abridged list of likes

  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Planescape Torment
  • Medical documentaries
  • Biographies
  • American Horror Story
  • Paranormal mysteries (I get scared easily though)
  • Music (grunge, 90s, oldies, alternative, rock, punk, industrial, indie, folk rock etc.)
  • Japanese food
  • Black and white photography
  • Blogging
  • Role-playing
  • Sylvia Plath, Jim Carroll, Arthur Rimbaud (inspiration)
  • Cult Films
  • Martial Art Films
  • Philosophy
  • Anime
  • Exercise
  • Ballet and gymnastics (watching)
  • Ted Talks
  • Walking/hiking
  • Museums and movies

I have not listed my favorite books and all my favorite authors but I do have a Goodreads page if you are interested.

What do I blog about?

  • Social Anxiety
  • Epilepsy
  • Philosophy
  • Depression/Mental Illness
  • Poetry
  • Psychology and therapy
  • Life
  • Love
  • Trauma
  • Nature
  • Photography (at least I hope to post some photos!)
  • Fitness
  • Dreams
  • Inspiration

Why I blog?

  • Organization (the blog provides a structure that I am simply unable to emulate/maintain with a diary written or electronic)
  • Discipline (knowing that I will publish motivates me to finish my work, having a blog also motivates me to write every day)
  • To meet people with common interests
  • It’s cathartic
  • To bring awareness to certain issues such as child abuse
  • Self-awareness and human psychology
  • To improve my social skills
  • To promote talented individuals which I do primarily by hosting a prompt and with Twitter

What I hope to accomplish with my blog?

This answer can be deduced in part from the above section. But seriously my blog is the first step toward world domination. I hope that it will inspire others (hasten the tedious process of acquiring minions) and provide a haven for other misfits.