I have a lot to say but I am not really sure if I will cover everything in this post.
First of all a video. Sam shared this with me a few days ago. It is an inspiring, no excuses, kick in the ass sort of video so if you are feeling defeated and sensitive at the moment it will either knock you out of your rut or pummel you into the floor.
I am not 100% sure how I feel about this video (I do like it). I do agree that if you use your free time to productively work toward your goals that you will make major, possibly life-changing gains. I also agree that getting good at anything takes a long time and a lot of hard work. I wasn’t born with a pencil in my hand, writing sonnets by age six. I had an interest in poetry. I read it first (voraciously let me add) and eventually I started writing my own. I didn’t make any real progress until I started to set aside time to work on it daily (a practice I have neglected of late). My concerns are that I have an obsessive and addictive personality. I am not ambitious so much as destructive. I take everything a step (or 3) too far. I have literally worked myself into the hospital. So at the moment I do not know how to be obsessed with something in a healthy way.
I was abused and I don’t need to get over it. It happened and there is no getting over something like that. I keep trying to return to the me I might have been if I hadn’t been abused but that person doesn’t exist! The only person I have to be, is who I am right now and this person still has issues, issues the me I might have or should have been can’t fucking fathom, much less handle. While I have moved forward, broken the cycle, created a beautiful and safe environment in which I can thrive I am still going to feel things that scare me, that shame me, that frustrate and exhaust me. I am occasionally going to remember something sad or something terrible. I am not living that life anymore thankfully but I can’t erase it either. I can’t erase the me that was betrayed and mistreated but I am in a place now where I can do better for her.
I might not become famous. I think it rather unlikely given my approach to life and my irredeemable tendency to waver over every significant decision. I accept that writing is my gift and though my gift is a modest one, it is nevertheless the gift I am designed to give. I couldn’t live without writing that’s certain but I am also not certain that I could survive life as a full-time writer. Before I am a writer, I am a romantic. For me family is first and so writing 14 hours a day in utter seclusion just does not work. I want to be healthy, I want to love deeply, I want to see my daughter grow up. And I even want 8 hours of sleep every night because without it I am stark raving mad and that is no exaggeration (I am literally nonfunctional laughing and crying/hysterically in a world all by myself). That said I will continue writing daily and I will publish more books (hopefully at a better pace than I have going now) but I am looking into part-time work. Ideally, I want to work in the library so I can be around books and so I can stock the shelves with books I am passionate about muahaha. I feel I need this experience, that I need to develop independence and confidence or else I can’t possibly succeed at writing even if I did later decide on that full-time.
So what did I get for my birthday?
Sam’s parents gave me cash which I used to buy chairs for our dining room. We never have enough chairs when the family is over and since we may be hosting Christmas this year I don’t want to have people sitting on step stools and the like. I still need to find a 2nd hair chair for my desk, yes I want a 2nd hand one because they have more character.
Sam’s sister got me a gift card to my favorite store and a plant.
Sam’s friend at work whom I have met a few times bought me pens, this particular make of pen has been used by several famous writers.
Sam bought me two dictionaries filled with insults and vulgarities from the 1800s!
A set of Blackwing pencils plus extra erasers and a pencil sharpener. Blackwing is also used by famous writers and other creative sorts.
I also got some colorful cute socks and chocolate
Prior to my b-day hubbie bought me a pair of Yellow Cab leather boots. I wear boots fall, winter, a good portion of spring, and in the summer when I can get away with it. I only ever change to wear sandals in the summer and running shoes when I am being sporty or intend to do a lot of walking. I even wear boots when I dress up instead of whatever else ladies’ wear.
exactly like this pair
There are some promises we make to our friends and family solely to assuage or guilt. We promise to support someone and then when the time arrives we retreat. I am like a small child. If you make a promise to me. I take it to heart. I believe it with my whole heart. I get excited. I am not saying I can’t forgive a broken promise because I can. I understand that life gets in the way at times. My problem is with fake promises. The promises people make socially that they never have any intention of realizing. If you promise to do something for someone they will feel good until you don’t and then they will feel crushed/betrayed. Especially be wary when it involves the realization of someone’s dreams. I am not willing to give up on my dreams but there are so many out there who will if their support system short-circuits.
The worst for me is when after days, weeks, or even months of swearing they suddenly forget that they ever offered. I’d rather they just fessed up and apologized so we could move on without the awkwardness and prolonged disappointment. I will continue to wait for the fulfillment of said agreement so that everyday it does not occur I will feel betrayed all over again (provided the situation is not clarified). I have a high opinion of people. My expectations are set based on what you say about yourself. So if you say I am an honest person and I promise to do such and such then I expect you to do such and such (within reason of course). If you say I lie frequently then I won’t hold you to any promises nor will I seek out any agreements or situations where I must rely on you. I will still be your friend of course but I will be spared unnecessary grief. I can accept a lot, try me. Please do not make me a promise you have no intention of keeping no matter how pleasurable it might feel in the short-term. If you do make me a promise and feel ill-equipped or uncertain about your ability to carry out said promise then tell me so strait up.
Watch out for social promises, even online. I am a real person. A real person who just happens to be very sensitive and very gullible. The next time you think to invite someone to coffee that you don’t actually like because you feel obligated/pressured just walk away. If they press you say I am sorry I do not feel we are compatible. Will you hurt their feelings? Yes. Will it hurt them more to discover that you not only dislike like them but also pity them? Yes it hurts a lot worse trust me. A broken social agreement hurts and for those like myself who do not have a lot of friends or a lot of social finesse we take those agreements to heart.
Whew now that I have ranted.
I was watching a documentary on Sylvia Plath and in it they talked about how early on she mimicked the styles of various writers (something most writers do as part of the learning process). In time she not only wanted to match her idols she wanted to best them. She was extremely competitive. I realized that is precisely what is necessary. It is not good enough for me to write as well as my idols (not that I do I am just saying) if I want to be recognized in my lifetime the only way to do it is to surpass them. I have no idea how to surpass them. All I know is that they have a name and I don’t. That name means A LOT. I have read work on WordPress by unpublished writers that is easily as good as the so-called best but they remain unrecognized by the public because they haven’t established a name. We assume people are good if they are famous, we give them the benefit of the doubt. I am going to confess something right now I don’t care for Emily Dickinson. I checked out a collection of her poetry not long ago. She is one of the most famous poets of all time and given my own leanings I assumed I would enjoy her work. Only I didn’t. I kept reading hoping I’d “get it”. Hoping I’d warm up to her but it didn’t happen. I will try again at another time. Any famous poets you just don’t get? Without a name I have to have an talent that is completely indisputable. I can write. I feel that I am a poet. So I will write and one day maybe I will surpass all expectation.
The editing has been completed on my book. Now I have to read through each poem and see if I’ve selected well. This first book contains a lot of older work. To be honest I already have enough for a second book and possibly even a third. I have no expectations of wealth or fame rest-assured lol Nothing nearly so grand but if I go with Lulu I will have to charge enough to afford the price of publishing with them (not the whole price but some of it because they are expensive and my family lives on one income). I won’t be advertising with Lulu. Ororiel has created a gorgeous cover. Melanie has done the editing. So some of the costs have been averted thanks to their extreme generosity. I will create a page for each of my blogs with the book information so you can order but I won’t be removing anything from my blogs or pimping out my book every other post. I am not sure if I will advertise elsewhere, maybe facebook and Twitter. I wanted to use Lulu because the quality seemed good. I have designed the book to be similar in size to my favorite paperback poetry book because it fits so well in the hand. I often find myself holding the book for no reason whatsoever. I want it to be irresistible to hold lol. Of course I will have an E-book version but as I prefer my poetry books in the flesh, there will be a flesh version too. I am not sure how long to the debut. I am hard at work. I’ve started an exciting project too but I won’t tell you a thing about it. Oh yeah the book name is “An Alterable Void” pending any snags of course. I am in full blown obsessive mode so forgive me if I am distracted. I will do my best to write, at least to Mindlovemisery, every single day as always.
Art By: Mystic Mornings
People frequently ask me how I select the artwork for my blog so without further adieu I offer you my humble tutorial.
- First you need to identify the style of art that best suits your piece: Surrealism, Modernism, Fantasy, Impressionism, Abstract, Cubism, Pop Art, Expressionism, Photorealism, Sumi-E etc. Personally I use Surrealism the most but each person has a different style. Also determine if you want a painting, a photo, anime-style, or a sketch. Sometimes instead of Surreal Art I would search for Surreal Photos or Surreal Sketch
- Second identify the mood/theme of your piece. Sometimes it is enough to type in Surreal Art Vengeance.
- If a particular image or metaphor stands out even better. Fantasy Scarecrow.
- I also browse free wallpapers there are lots of beautiful fantasy photos freely available. I often use the free wallpapers for my lighter pieces as they tend to be pretty. For women I often find that fantasy works best. There are also a few really beautiful fantasy images of couples. I have the hardest time with couples as it is very hard to find actual couples as opposed to models posing.
- Let’s say I am searching and I find a beautiful image but it is not appropriate for the poem in question. If the artist is not stated I simply do a reverse image search. Though it is not 100% when I do find the name of the artist I like I can peruse their collection and A) Check if their work is available for public use and B) See if one of their other pieces is more suitable.
- Occasionally I find an image that strikes me but isn’t totally on point. Often I will find I like the color palate in which case I do a reverse image search again and then click on Visually Similar Images in the search options.
- When I am looking for photos on meditation or spirituality just searching wallpapers is sufficient I might type things like: Mudra, Mantra, Zen etc.
- Sometimes I am looking for something well scary so I type in things like: ghosts, horror, Gothic, creepy, Victorian pretty strait forward that. I often do: Surreal Art Creepy
- Sometimes I base my search on a particular time period or mythology
- Sometimes I find that my search word just happens to coincide with the name of a movie, band, or tv show that’s when the thesaurus come in handy!
- You can always get outside and take your own pictures or create your own art, particularly if the piece you’ve written was inspired by something you’ve seen in real life
- Beautiful pictures inspire so occasionally I will find an image I like so much I simply have to write about it!
I find it easier to navigate blogs with basic layouts. I have visited blogs where I was completely incapable of locating the primary content. I have also visited blogs with beautiful cursive text that I was unable to read. I am shockingly stupid sometimes and so I do try to make sure my blogs are both welcoming and accessible. I have received some complaints about not having an archive section but the reason for that is because I want to edit and prepare my earlier works before mass public viewing haha.
Though my blog is primarily text-based I favor themes that allow me to showcase accompanying artwork. I am often asked where I find such beautiful images and the most obvious answer is through relentless searching. Lately I’ve been searching specifically for surreal art. I spend an inordinate amount of time perusing free wallpapers and coming up with one word adjectives to describe my poems. If you ask Sam my searches are entirely nonsensical and ineffective but when it comes to artwork they’ve yielded some stellar results. My goal is to include more personal photography that way I don’t have to agonize over which pictures are okay to display and which ones are not intended for public use. I am not much of a photographer so it may never come to pass that all artwork displayed is mine.
Another requirement for Mindlovemisery is that I am able to clearly display the prompt post. Though I don’t want people to forgo my poetry entirely, the prompt needs to be easy to locate.
Excluding the theme being free of cost and attractive I also require a summary view. I don’t like the idea of someone being forced to scroll for hours to locate a poem of interest. I just feel it complicates navigation and makes it less likely for someone to read anything other than the very first post.
That might have been more exciting if I hadn’t already poured through the themes a million times lamenting that all the best ones have dollar signs attached.
I will be putting this blog on hold in order to focus on my primary blog Mindlovemisery. Right now I am sorting through my older poems and revising them/saving them (I haven’t saved many of them to my new computer). This is a massive undertaking as I have made a huge number of posts! I will continue posting daily to Mindlovemisery so if you miss me you know where to find me =)
That I am not alone
Even as I stand
A presaging murder
Without your heart
In my ear
Without your secrets
My Sapphic wisdom
Do my vowels
Stand a chance
Or will they weep
Through the fissures
Of my unlaid bones
Unheeded and unwed
A presaging murder refers to the superstition that crows can predict death. I am having a lot of trouble connecting with my muse (who I generally perceive as female hence Sapphic), my thoughts/emotions are scattered. Poetry is such a huge part of my life, I’d be lost without my muse.
My depth reviles
Only that of the Dead Sea
Rise from the belly
A fermented tongue hums
But unlike my hands
She cannot speak
Last night, while I slept, I came up with a poem of course I have no way of knowing if it was workable or even sensible but I had truly hoped to remember it because to my sleeping brain it was a potential piece for my blog. Though I have never done drugs I imagine it is the same sense of false genius at play here, so in reality there is no loss but it is going to drive me crazy just the same. Speaking of dreams Sam talks in his sleep. Some time ago he started reciting long calculations, which he followed up with diabolical giggling. The man is absolutely adorable and if the things he says out loud are anything like my dream poem I definitely want to know because it would be funny.