Murder Switch

Self-improvement needs to be banished from my mental dictionary. Self-improvement for me has always been about banishment. I will banish these extra pounds and get a new body, a better, more desirable body. I will banish jealousy from my heart. I will banish fear from my life (which translates into I will avoid everything). Jealousy is not bad. Jealousy is an emotion one that we’ve all experienced in varying degrees. Jealousy can be a devastating/destructive emotion that translates into vile behavior but the emotion itself is not the issue, it’s the behavior. That’s great news because we can’t stop feeling but we can respond differently. We all understand the emotion vs behavior concept intellectually so I am not saying anything revolutionary here and yet most of us are still avoiding and still trying to get rid of those pesky/unwanted emotions.

I believe jealousy has a function, just as sadness teaches us gratitude and compassion, jealousy probably keeps us from getting too complacent in our relationships, it drives us to continue wooing even after we’ve acquired the desired partner. I am actually very jealous which shouldn’t surprise you given how insecure I am! When I say I am jealous that does not mean that I go around punching any girl that gives Sam the once over. I am saying I experience the emotion regularly and in variety of different scenarios not all of which are romantic.

For a long time I thought I am just going to stop being jealous but the result was the opposite. I became more jealous but because of the repression I was blind to my passive aggressive behavior. Deciding to stop having an emotional response that is uncomfortable is pretty much ignorance by definition. The problem with self-improvement and the reason I find it so debilitating is because it encourages us to oust negativity/conflict (whole parts of ourselves) rather than to look at ourselves objectively and compassionately. It also encourages us to label everyone and everything in very black and white terms. Lots of people when starting a diet completely alienate their friends and family. We become obsessed and unbalanced and accuse everyone around us of being a saboteur. You can’t get rid of conflict in your life period.

I am absolutely devastated by the amount of people who end their relationships simply because things aren’t 100% smooth sailing. Whoever told you relationships were easy when you’ve found the right person is an asshole (even if a well-meaning one). Relationships like life, take work and commitment. Sam and I had some obstacles to our getting together like 8000 miles, limited cash, and a controlling/paranoid father (not mine). We could’ve said this wasn’t meant because it is just too complicated/hard but we were willing to fight. When you have found the one everything in your life does not become perfect, you still have shit to deal with unless you drop dead shortly after. Your happiness/sadness is not someone else’s responsibility. You don’t become happy by amputating/modifying parts of your personality and/or physique either. You don’t become happier through acquisitions. Happiness I really think is just about being present and embracing whatever that moment has to offer. It’s about embracing your “youness”.

Sam has some major OCD traits. When we are standing in line at the checkout he is meticulously lining up our groceries so the bar-codes will present in the easiest possible way to the cashier. These traits can very distressing and yet as a computer programmer they are ideal. I have my share of “bad” traits many of which are absolutely essential to my writing. The reality is this if you did manage to ditch your competitiveness you might become lazy and unmotivated. Everything has a purpose. There is no life in perfection if you define perfection as being “static” as “always or never” if you define perfection “of itself so” then we are perfect just the way we are. This doesn’t mean I am amoral (though I think I might be slightly amoral. I am not immoral though.) it just means that I think self-acceptance is about facing your demons head on, once you do that self-improvement kind of takes care of itself.

I felt like I lacked the objectivity and sanity to formulate a decision. I worried that my wishes might bring misfortune to others, that they might be punished for being selfish. I had started to think of the Universe as a hostile/unforgiving place and myself as a mistake. Fear took over completely. I started to think everything was against me. If possible I made myself a little more crazy. The Universe doesn’t judge by human societal standards (does it even judge? Probably not because that would involve an ego). I believe the Universe does provide for us. I need to get my head out of the sand or out of my ass or out of whatever dark orifice it has elected to reside in.

You might be wondering why I wrote this again (didn’t I write something like this before?) it is because I needed to remind myself.


I am just a person you know?


I am not certain that I can effectively express my thoughts here so bare with me.


People often question the way in which I live my life. Providing useful cough advice on how I can remedy my situation. Never mind that I am a sentient being with my own personal destiny. Never mind that they are dissatisfied with the very predicament they wish for me to emulate.

People often question the motives behind my actions and choices.

When I’ve made a mistake people want to know why and until I can provide them with the answer they are looking for they do not appear to move on. Whether they need an excuse to hate or forgive the answer they seek must conform to either their illusions of me and/or their illusions of self. No matter how sincerely I try to answer if my answer doesn’t fall within their range it will be refuted truth or not.

People are always pruning one another. Little criticisms here and there to keep one another “in line” so to speak. Ironically most people are dissatisfied with the very aspects of society that they most vigorously impose.

We’re so used to being forced to excuse every aspect of our being that we end up forming elaborate philosophies to justify our behaviors. We develop these immobile and elaborate constructs of self, like some sort fucked up Avatar that we spend every waking moment of our lives guarding. Anyone who challenges our construct is seen as a threat. In some cases the challenger might mean us harm but all too often we avoid stimulating and invigorating relationships because they threaten to expose our false idols.

The ego makes us believe that the world revolves around “I”. Is your lover upset? Before we’ve exchanged so much as a word Ego is already suiting up for war. Fuck listening we’re too busy trying to intuit what we’ve done so we can either repair the damage or deflect/divert blame. Even if their problem has nothing to do with us it still has everything to do with us because Ego takes everything personally.


My conclusions humans make even the simplest situations hysterically complicated. If we stopped trying so hard to look intelligent we might not act so fucking stupid.


I ate your muffin because it looked good and I was hungry not because I hate you. Not because I lack respect. Not because it is my purpose in life to abolish all of muffin kind. There is no excuse I am a muffin stealing bastard end of.




Brian Durushia

I stumble face-first through unobstructed space

To what fear do  I assign these inadequacies?

I venture that life is more terrifying

Than a beseeching black womb

I venture that light is more obfuscating

Than darkness for the eyes serve the ego

To know the heart without pretension

Is the appeal of sleep but I do not wish

To remain motionless that long

To pursue that which can only be conceived

Is the reclamation of wonder and indeed

It is better to chance upon happiness

Than to surrender to a sentient death


I was on the tram and I just wrote down my random nonsensical thoughts I feel half-crazed today. I did go to the library b/w everything else and checked out “Slouching Toward Nirvana” by Charles Bukowski now if only I had a moment to read it lol

The Tao of Abundance


One of my favorite self-help/philosophy books is the Tao of Abundance By: Laurence G. Boldt. When I was in college I was a bit obsessed with self-help books. Sometimes the advice would seem tailor-made, sometimes I’d come up empty but whatever the advice it was always Sam who ended up making positive lifestyle changes. I would read/analyze and share my findings with him and he would integrate the advice seamlessly. Sam doesn’t like to read (I know blasphemy) so I end up reading and interpreting larger texts. I forget what I read quickly so I admit I store information in his brain for safe-keeping. He’s like a human version of Wikipedia. Anyways the aforementioned book is filled with brilliant quotes to contemplate and I use it more as a meditation I suppose. You can open up any page and find beautiful bits of wisdom. In the back of the book the author poses all sorts of questions and though I have owned the book for 10 years I have never bothered to answer any of them. So I did a few for today.

I have limited my ability to receive love by

Withdrawing socially

Repressing my feelings

Failing to communicate my needs clearly

Avoiding conflict

Devising negative scenarios and accepting them as truth

Waiting for the other person to take initiative

Declining invitations

Shirking responsibility for my own happiness

Failing to extend compassion to myself

Forcing my opinions on others (how often do we decide that we aren’t good enough for someone?)

Using inflammatory terms like “always” “never”

Taking other people’s emotional states personally

Defending when I should be listening and seeking to understand

Keeping score

Comparing relationships

Trying to “fix” (Sam will tell me about a conflict and damn it if I don’t immediately try to find a resolution)

Antagonizing/Boundary Pushing (ODD at its finest)

I have limited my ability to experience joy by

Taking myself too seriously

Trying to control my environment

Spending too much time indoors

Avoiding challenge and discomfort

Denying my self creative expression

Comparing myself to others

Defining success by social constructs rather than personal standards

Basing my happiness on conditionals (I’ll be happy when I win the lottery, get a job, lose ten lbs etc.)

Shirking responsibility for my happiness

Setting unattainable goals

Holding on to too much clutter

I have limited my natural intuitive ability by

Withdrawing my creative outlets

Neglecting my mental/physical/spiritual health

Repressing and/or rejecting my negative emotions

Pursuing perfection

Ignoring my sense of shame when I’ve gone against my nature

Being dishonest/insincere when approaching change

Rejecting my needs/dreams/self

Breaking promises I’ve made to myself

Engaging in mind-numbing and/or addictive activities

Defining success/abundance by social constructs rather than personal standards

Imitating others

Running away/hiding from myself and/uncomfortable situations

Engaging in self-destructive activities (including vicious internal dialogues)

The Happines Game



Happiness is a mind state for which I have limited experience. I have not encountered a lot of happy people. I’ve encountered a lot of fear. I’ve encountered the pained exaggerated smiles of marionettes on display but happiness is something I see more often in children and dogs than I do in other grownups. I have been happy but happiness is elusive and fleeting it cannot be held down or fabricated. I have never succeeded in purchasing happiness and I have certainly never imbibed a substance that has achieved that state in an authentic way. We are not meant to be happy all the time. Call me insane but I wouldn’t even want to be happy all the time. I believe we are able to experience happiness because of the contrast. Part of living, perhaps even the reason for living itself is experience, growth, evolution. Part of what is wrong with society is that we spend so much time trying to create happiness that we alienate ourselves from any genuine emotional experience.


I mean no offense whatsoever in saying this, as I myself suffer with mental illness, but I believe that many of our neuroses evolve from the unnatural way in which we now live. The work we do nowadays is often abstract. We create services and products that are essentially unnecessary and sometimes even harmful to life. Working from the land you know precisely what you’re doing and why each component in the process is essential. Dealing with the bureaucracy of a modern society could push anyone off the deep end. Life is no longer intuitive or instinctive, we live in constructed realities doing seemingly arbitrary things so that we can acquire a wealth of mind numbing, soul depleting items. Some of us, myself included, are simply unable to reconcile the way we are expected to live our lives with our heart’s directives.


Humans are social creatures but achieving a sense of connection is difficult when our link to nature is severed. Society hasn’t brought us closer I think it has done precisely the opposite I think it has made us afraid of each other. We are so busy assimilating veils and labels we have no concept of who or what lies beneath them.


For me one of the greatest epiphanies in my relations with others was to let go of my expectations. I don’t assume that someone is bad or good only that they are human. The moment I stopped looking at other people as a potential threat I started to see their struggles, fears, their hearts which explained the behaviors which I had found before completely incomprehensible and sometimes even disgusting. This is quite easy to do one on one but I am still unable to look at people in authority objectively and humans in a herd still frighten me. I am all for people working synergistically and harmoniously I find it quite beautiful in villages where they freely share their possessions and raise their children together as a family. My problem is with more modern lifestyles. Though we live practically piled on top of each other I feel little sense of community (sometimes I do). All I see is fear and in my mind fear is a precursor to hate and violence. There seems to be this intense fear of being taken advantage of and thus generosity has become associated with naivete and weakness. Sam has all these humanitarian projects in mind. He’s discussed these projects with his coworkers but they are unable to fathom work that does not provide monetary incentive. Sam and I will never be rich but I don’t think it is always the poor that live on their knees.


I have immense trouble with the concept of work as it is presently conceptualized. Slaving away mindlessly at the expense of the environment and other people for money. I want to work on an organic vegetable farm something where I feel good about the labor I am engaged in.


Though I was somewhat offended at the time, Sam postulated that I might be getting sick so much because I have spent so much time indoors lately. At the time I thought he was an unsympathetic bastard and I felt a little persecuted but I always consider what’s said to me as if it contained wisdom. I decided that he is probably right I have spent a lot of time indoors, online, inactive. Most of our illnesses come from poor circulation so I believe and I am thinking I need to toughen up. Old Swedish people go swimming when I perceive it as jacket wearing weather. There is a robustness there that we just don’t posses anymore and I don’t believe it is a case of self-destructive unreasonable stubbornness. Yes they are tough but they are not really bothered by the arctic temperature of the water quite the opposite looking at their contented smiles I am pretty sure they are actually enjoying themselves. It pains me to say this but I think I might actually be a wimp. While I don’t abhor the idea of spending all day in the forest (not at all it sounds amazing) there are other ways in which I have come to underestimate and insulate myself.


I have been looking at my Depression in the wrong way. I keep thinking that I have to become normal. That I have to join society but that may not be the case. Certainly I have to work with certain parts of society if I am to live in the city and in this time line but I don’t have to become someone else entirely. I have to A) Stop running from myself B) Let love in C) Move in accordance with the Tao D) Rejoin nature. I am an animal and I am fucking proud of it. No I don’t intend to move into the forest at least not yet but I don’t have to turn my back on the world just because I am against some of the constructs we’ve generated. I am naturally moral so while I may act oddly at times I am not a criminal. I don’t have to consciously remind myself not to kill or rape because that goes against my nature. Seriously we know how to treat each other already. I think society’s laws and guilt create crimes and villains. Are there overly opportunistic people out there? Of course and ironically those are the people we give all the power and money to, comes back to that fear thing. Which is probably why I can’t totally shake my mistrust of authorities.


I realize I am rambling but it seems to me that the key to happiness or at least contentment is in reconnecting, reaching out, and gratitude. It is not about creating safety nets, cocoons, or personas. I think gratitude comes in having to work for what you possess, in the earning and laboring stage. While you can achieve a sense of gratitude even if you are unable to work I do think it helps when you’ve had to fight a little.


As a parent sometimes I feel all I say is no and sometimes I don’t even understand why I have to say no because some things seem so damn obvious. One of the hardest things I am finding to get across is cause and effect. For some reason Isadora doesn’t see that her behavior results in certain outcomes. If she runs top speed into the wall, she blames the collision on the wall (never mind the wall is inanimate and can’t dodge). How many of us still do that? I realize I do it quite a lot. Cause and effect is really hard to grasp in an artificial world. Now I am not saying it was better in the past our experiences are largely based on perception. I am not saying give up all your possessions and run naked into the forest. I am not saying that all of our great technological advancements are bad either. We’ve done some amazing things, human ingenuity is truly impressive. I am not saying we need to live hand to mouth or in some dogged day to day ritual. Part of being human is to express and create even cavemen embraced that and I am pretty sure they had more than their share of challenges. What I am saying is that humans are confused and I think modern society is isolating at times. I am saying there are paradoxes., that nothing is good or bad, it just is plain and simple. I am basically saying we have the answers inside, we know who we are already, the universe is not a soul-raping monster, we are not monsters either. I guess I am saying live and be. Understand that you don’t and can’t control everything and that makes the ride a lot more fun. Life is happening now no matter what you are waiting for, it doesn’t begin after you get everything you want don’t confuse it with death.

Zero to Hero Day 11


Today’s challenge was to comment to three blogs which I do routinely anyways. Baring that in mind I decided to do a quiz, which provided I get participants has the potential to be interactive. “What Planescape Torment race are you?” Your job is simply to answer the questions and I will calibrate the results. If you are uncomfortable posting your answers publicly you can email me. If you are uncomfortable sharing your answers with me but would still like to participate I will give you the answer key. This is just for fun and please bare in mind that some of the results may be offensive as some of these races are demonic in origin. You do not have to know anything at all about the game to participate I will give you a detailed description of your race. There are only 12 races included : Slaadi, Aasimer, Githyanki, Tiefling, Githzerai, Tso, Khaasta, Gensai, Human, Formian, Baatezu, Tanar´ri. If you are familiar with the races you might be able to guess your way to the desired result.

Are you the sort to eat anything on a dare?

  1. Bring it on
  2. No
  3. Define “anything”
  4. I’m a picky eater
  5. I wouldn’t insult my palate
  6. Food is fuel
  7. No way you probably poisoned it
  8. Free food? Score!
  9. Don’t be ridiculous what would others think?

What do you do in your free time?

  1. Rest up after a hard days work so I can do it all again tomorrow
  2. Sports, video games
  3. Writing, painting, dance that is if I can find the time
  4. Indulging my vices what else?
  5. Television, computer, hobbies, friends that sort of thing
  6. I like to travel, explore my environs, don’t want to be cooped up inside
  7. Counting my money
  8. Chess and other logic based intellectual games amuse me
  9. Training mind/body/spirit
  10. Free time is a waste there is always work to be done (though I do take the time to beautify my surroundings)
  11. Fighting I like to start stuff you know?
  12. Survival is somehow all I have time for

How was your childhood? (check all that apply)

  1. I was abandoned, neglected, and/or abused as a child
  2. Education was foremost, my childhood was rather serious/disciplined
  3. Pretty average I reckon
  4. My parents were militantly strict, they also believed in corporeal punishment
  5. I had a very privileged childhood
  6. My childhood was very violent
  7. My parents and teachers had exceedingly high expectations as I was a gifted child
  8. I was taught to be responsible and independent from a very early age
  9. My parents were all about appearances and reputation. I was an extension of that mentality.
  10. I am a hard-worker but to be honest I didn’t do that well academically. I will likely take over the family business
  11. My family is very competitive. We have an established hierarchy.
  12. My parents were more interested in making money than they were in me

Check the characteristics that best apply to you

  1. Arrogant
  2. Manipulative
  3. Greedy
  4. Superstitious
  5. Inattentive
  6. Calm
  7. Loyal
  8. Independent
  9. Volatile
  10. Trustworthy
  11. Abnormal
  12. Duplicitous

Let’s talk fashion sense what best applies to you?

  1. I have a flashy sense of style I like loud colors and lots of accessories
  2. Tattoos, identifying symbols, and colors…I want people to know what group I belong too
  3. I am not into fashion for me it is all about practicality. I tend to dress very plainly.
  4. I follow the trends more or less
  5. I am generally found in my work clothes
  6. I’ve got a very distinct, individualistic sense of fashion
  7. Let’s put it this way I stand out in a crowd whether I want to or not
  8. I dress for success, labels are an obvious extension of that
  9. I prefer to wear a uniform takes out all the guesswork and levels the playing field
  10. I am bit of a perfectionist
  11. I have expensive tastes
  12. I take care of my appearance but not to the point of vanity

Let’s talk about morals (check all that apply)

  1. I’m law-abiding, group-minded
  2. I think in knowing yourself you will find peace of mind. Peace within peace without.
  3. I have a strong sense of values, my parents raised me right. It’s not for me to judge or condemn others.
  4. I feel like I am in a constant battle between good and evil
  5. I pretty much share the values of society as whole and of course my family helped shape me
  6. I come from a very militant background. I believe in law and order. I strive for excellence.
  7. Within my group/family I am polite, respectful. I like to keep the peace. I can be standoffish and confrontational to those outside my circle
  8. I am fiercely individualistic
  9. I am lacking in both honor and conscious
  10. I am a patron of chaos
  11. I’m entitled by birth I have every right to demand respect
  12. Morals are just a facade

Lets talk about future careers and ambitions (check all that apply)

  1. I prefer to work alone
  2. I am the practical sort
  3. I prefer to stay close to my family and work for the betterment of my community
  4. I prefer to be my own boss. I refuse to be someone else’s lapdog
  5. World domination
  6. I care about status and prestige. I want to make a name for myself. A politician, a surgeon, a CEO something along those lines.
  7. Manual labor
  8. I am not ashamed to admit that I want to be rich
  9. I’ll etch out a living however I can get by
  10. That’s for my parents decide
  11. You know college, career, family and all that
  12. Whatever I do I will no doubt be successful

Do you find it hard to trust others? (check all that apply)

  1. You can’t trust anyone
  2. I do not trust anyone outside of my circle
  3. I am extremely empathic so it is for me to read people
  4. I have some trust issues but they don’t prevent me from participating in society most of the time, love is tricky though
  5. I trust in my own strength
  6. I am loyal and I surround myself with people who share my values
  7. Presentation is everything…everyone lies to get to the top
  8. I do not trust those beneath me in station as I am certain they would take advantage given the opportunity.
  9. Money is the root of happiness I’ll do whatever it takes to get rich and the same can be said for others. In the end everyone is selfish.
  10. I am big on contracts if someone tries to screw me over I’ll pay them back ten fold
  11. Trust has to be earned
  12. I trust people to lie

Let’s talk social skills

  1. I make friends easily. I am popular and outgoing.
  2. I have a very tight knit social unit
  3. I have minions…not friends
  4. I don’t like people much but I’ve got certain “needs” if you know what I mean
  5. I’d stab a friend in the back in a heartbeat if I thought it would help me get ahead
  6. I’m an outcast. I find it difficult to make friends.
  7. I guess you could say I don’t understand all the social morays. I am not a big on group work either. I like to do my own thing.
  8. I can’t complain I’ve got some really great friends
  9. I am choosy about my social contacts…I wouldn’t be caught dead with someone beneath me…
  10. I am afraid I come off as aloof and unfriendly
  11. I am elitist and I am very wary of outsiders
  12. I have social props not friends

Alright let’s talk core beliefs (check all that apply)

  1. Self-knowledge is the key to inner peace
  2. I prefer concrete facts to philosophies and abstractions
  3. I don’t like to think too hard. I’d rather just be told what to do.
  4. Keep your enemies close
  5. I share my core beliefs with my family, friends, and community
  6. I hope to live up to my parents, teachers, and friends expectations. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
  7. I’ve always felt I had something to prove. I want to rise above the prejudices and stereotypes placed on me.
  8. Fight hard advance it’s that simple
  9. I have always found corrupting the innocent to be delightfully entertaining. The more people I can lure to my side the better.
  10. Protect your own hide
  11. I’d like to travel the world and draw my own conclusions
  12. Freedom and independence are tantamount

Does your life center around suffering and torment?

  1. No I live a very privileged life
  2. My life centers around work but it gives me purpose
  3. I do not like disorder…I can be very hostile when things don’t go according to plan.
  4. I have a lot of responsibilities and obligations but I would not say that I suffer. I consider myself lucky overall.
  5. I have good days and bad days
  6. I have hurt a lot of people to get where I am
  7. My life is fine but I keep my guard up
  8. My world revolves around chaos. I consider myself something of a sadist.
  9. I struggle but it’s the challenge that gives my life purpose
  10. Living outside of society results in a good deal of suffering
  11. I have good control over my emotions
  12. I find others must suffer in order for me to achieve success

Zero to Hero Day 2

abstract wings grunge surreal artwork giraffes 1600x1200 wallpaper_www.animalhi.com_77

What’s in a name?

The word curious implies both a desire to “know” and “strangeness”. I am the type of person who appreciates the absurd, whose sense of magic is increased with the acquisition of facts. I favor those subjects which are open and vulnerable to interpretation. Those subjects which lend themselves to questing and personal exploration. I believe that beauty lies in the distinctions and imperfections, those qualities which elevate and sometimes exclude. I like or perhaps I relate better to individuals who are both peculiar and forthright. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can be incredibly dense in social situations. I am not able to decipher the “game” much less participate in it and it is because of this that I attract more genuine people both on and offline.


One of my loftier dreams is to be the proprietress of a philosophical community. A garden if you will where minds and hearts come together to discuss life, meaning, values, love, dreams, ideologies etc. A place of nonjudgment where people visit for a friendly debate, a conversation, or simply to bend the ear of an attentive listener. When I was a child I used to visit my neighbors (most of whom were elderly and previously unknown) and listen to them talk for hours about their lives. As a child I was welcomed easily into people’s homes. As an adult I imagine I would be received a little differently, perhaps a little more fearfully. As a teenager I devoured the secrets and fantasies of friends. When possible I even brought those fantasies to life.

If anything I have always been overly cautious, without expressed consent, I keep everything to myself. Once given I will not share a secret. As an adult these secrets come from strangers and from online friends and acquaintances. Through role-playing I have discovered some particularly interesting aspects of human nature. Flowers is just a reference to the individuals in my “community”.

“Portrait of a Shrinking Violet”

As this blog functions as my personal journal it provides an intimate look into the psyche of a recluse. Aside from incidental encounters with strangers and interactions within my own family I do not have much in the way of an actual social life. Even my virtual social life is low key. Most of my interactions take place on Mindlovemisery in the comments section. No need for sympathy, at the moment this arrangement suits me. Could be that I am experiencing some type of existential crisis but whatever the case I am content with the writing itself.

I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

October 31 2013



I know naught for which sin

The clock imposes revenge

Only that with each sterile beat

It draws, closer, my departure


Now that my flesh

Has assumed caricature

I have come to know

How infinite and precious

Life is

For I cannot imagine

A moment before my birth

Anymore than I can imagine



The ego claims athanasia

For it cannot conceive

A more sovereign existence

And indeed how can “I”

Claim to be anything

But alive?


I am so exhausted, forgive my mad ramblings lol