Those reading my poetry blog may have noticed a decline in the quality of my work.
As you may or may not know I have started class again but I have changed schools. I liked my classmates in my previous school. The classmates in my new school seem nice and a few of them have attempted to reach out to me. I would like to say I have reached back and am well on my way to making friends but unfortunately that’s not the case. I am overwhelmed by all the newness and by issues in my personal life. I have been feeling very disconnected lately and can hardly carry on a conversation.
So what has me so distracted these days? Well I have recently told my mom about being molested. She believed me. She also confronted my dad, just as I knew she would. He was in bad condition, living in filth, and drunk. He denied it outright but added sharply that if he did anything he was probably drunk. He approached her then (I am not sure in what manner she would not say) but she ran out of the house. He hasn’t changed. He is still a monster. He is still my father (by blood only). I am bothered that my dad is far from the only monster in my family tree. I am bothered that when looking at arrests in my hometown 400 of them are family members. It’s not even a big city. I am bothered that I grew up in a carnival of malevolence.
Part 2. When my mom was pregnant (aside from working the whole time because my dad was an unemployed alcoholic) my grandma tried to kill her/us. I feel some sense of betrayal because I loved my grandma so much. Granted she hadn’t met me when she attempted to purge the demon’s spawn but still it makes me think all sorts of stupid things. Like maybe she only used me to get at my mom, to turn me against her in retaliation (she was vindictive and held grudges for life). I would like to think she genuinely loved me, that she regretted the whole attempted murder thing when she met me. I like to think she came to realize that I wasn’t a demon spawn but a person. I realize that even if I was just part of a revenge scheme that I loved her and she did give me comfort and sometimes weirdly stability (despite being very unstable). I perceived her as loving me as well despite some serious control issues and mood swings. Is a person who would kill their pregnant daughter capable of love? I don’t know. It may not matter because I loved her enough for two people but it breaks my heart a little.
I am currently engaged in an intense 30 day fitness challenge. I imagine if I ate less my results would be phenomenal. Alas my diet has been pretty terrible lately as the lack of sleep has led to a dramatic decrease in cooking and dramatic increase in energy snacking. Visually I have seen some results and physically my stamina and strength have improved. I like to exercise in the mornings because by the evening the lack of sleep culminates and my coordination takes a critical and disabling dive. The workout started out fantastic, that was before I tried to forcibly extract my spinal column. At first I thought I’d thrown out my lower back because this morning when I did yoga it didn’t pop into place like usual. My nerves are on fire the problem seems concentrated in the plexus so it feels a bit like I’ve gone supernova. I had to stop. I tried to do stretches which turned out to be a bad idea, I only barely managed to get off my back. When Sam woke up and investigated he determined it was muscular. I have had sore muscles before this doesn’t feel at all the same but then again maybe I’ve never pulled a muscle to this degree.
I tried taking a nap, it was horrible getting into bed but after a while I did relax. On getting out of bed I realized the problem had not resolved in the slightest. Sam tried giving me a massage which was absolutely excruciating. During the massage I started laughing and sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t know if it was shock of so much pain or if it was some sort of tension release but I was absolutely hysterical. I am still in a lot of pain. Sitting down is iffy, standing is NOT okay, laying down depends on the position. I can’t tolerate being on my back and I can’t even approach my stomach. I hate missing a day of exercise, it absolutely kills me. I wonder if I will be fit for swim class tomorrow? I have one of those fantastic bodies that loses muscle tone at a horrifying rate. I was in the hospital for a week and I lost 5 kg of muscle mass despite finishing all of my meals and bags of additional snacks that Sam brought (I must have been eating 2500 calories). I am a little freaked out because getting my body back after my bought with pneumonia was no easy feat and I really don’t want to start another uphill battle.
Illusive alphabets mislaid
By a mercurial author
Who cannot wait
For the cathartic surrender
Of an alighting heart
She amputates the tip
Of her insolent tongue
The taste of almost
Head tucked between
Two capsized knees
There is only
The inaccessible divide
Of what is
And what can never be
I wrote about myself in 3rd person