Getting back into the groove

Tuesday was my first workout after my week long yoga break. I was very excited to get back into a more rigorous training routine. Yoga has been enjoyable. I needed the pause. My flexibility has improved and I even got a few good night’s sleep out of it. I am sad to say that I am back to dreaming in excess though. I wake up feeling exhausted and I remain in this kind of hazy intermediate stage much of the day. Funny thing though I seem to be capable of inducing sleep in others. I don’t mean people doze at the sound of my voice. It’s just that when I am the bus there is a circle of people around me, dead asleep. Not just in the morning which is understandable but in the middle of the day as well. Only around me everyone else on the bus is awake and animated midday. It’s like I’m exuding all my good sleep hormones!

Onto my workouts. So far so good. Tuesday was HIIT. My breathing was good. I felt I was jumping higher. I had fun. My calves are sore though (jump rope). Wednesday was an arm workout. I had 15 exercises and 30 minutes to complete as many rounds as possible. I got through 3 sets, with 8 reps each. A personal best actually. I had to make some changes to avoid putting weight onto my right wrist though. My wrist has been an issue for years. About 3 years ago I injured my wrist while jumping back into a Burpee. I tried resting the wrist but it didn’t help. Then I discovered I was tucking the wrist under my body when I was sleeping so I bought a wrist brace to sleep with at night. That really helped but before my wrist completely recovered I fell hard on some ice and landed with tremendous force on my recovering wrist! Ever since then I go through cycles where my wrist is okay, kind of weak but I can bear weight. After a while bearing weight gets painful so I take it easy. The wrist gets worse anyway and eventually interferes with normal activities so I sleep in the brace and it improves back to stage one. So never quite right but not always bad. In the worst stages it burns and my fingers fall asleep and its feels floppy and stabby and weird. I suppose I should check it out but I don’t want to go to the doctor. Today is yoga since I have my cleaning job which is quite strenuous by itself.

I have recently started meditation. The first night I slept brilliantly. Meditation is something I have always found threatening in practice, theoretically it sounds lovely. I have Dissassociative Disorder so I am not exactly on speaking terms with reality. I am certain to run into some demons during this process and I am not ashamed to say that scares me. Sitting with myself, being present, feeling my feelings I expect I am going to struggle sometimes. At the moment I am experiencing some resistance (both of the mental and physical sort). While I am meditating I am okay. I have monkey mind and I have pain/tension but it’s okay. The following day though I am tired, disoriented, and easily irritated. I have periods were I just forget how to person like I’ve had some sort of neurological episode. I am finding this very difficult actually. I imagine it’s like starting to exercise at first you are sore and exhausted! At least that is how I choose to see it. I have never stuck with meditation though so I want to give it an honest go.

For the sake of honesty my diet hasn’t been great lately. A lot of frozen meals (not that my frozen meal choices are all pizza I eat a lot of vegetarian dishes). I haven’t yet worked cooking into my schedule. Also Sam has made several batches of chocolate muffins and some chocolate balls with Oreos and cream cheese. So I have had too much sugar.

 

On another note I have been fidgety. I seem to want to be busy but I am not quite sure what I want to do.

November 17 2013

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Labor is its own reward. As a child my grandmother used to encourage me to finish my work quickly that way I’d have the rest of the day for entertainment. My work was frenzied, incarcerating, resentful. Work was an inconvenience, a detour, disconnected from living. Chores are immortal opponents, no amount of diligence or repetition can ever vanquish them. I can wash clothes today but in a few days I will have to do so again provided that I haven’t abandoned my hygiene or modesty in the meantime. Though practically and intellectually speaking I understood the necessity there was still that overwhelming sense of futility. Some days there was no reward because I never reached completion.

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One summer I slaved away in an effort to earn enough money for an overseas excursion when my mom found my stash she insisted on taking it to the bank. I never saw the money again. At that point I realized that work comprises a good deal of our day to day lives. It’s not an obstacle barring us from happiness, it’s the vehicle. Even in the most mundane activities we should strive for awareness. If we exclude work and routine, as not life, we aren’t left with a lot to live for I find it quite ironic that we consider “life” being zoned out in front of the television or computer. At least that’s the bit of my day that I tend to emphasize.

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Really I am probably more alive when I am working then when I am at rest. Exercise is the time I feel the most focused and awake. When I work out I challenge myself physically and psychologically. I don’t accommodate excuse or failure. I don’t work out just for the heath benefits or the aesthetics I work out because I love it. I love trying out new routines. Get a better body in 30 days? I am on it and it really has less to do with the carrot than it does with the journey. I wish I could transfer that same mentality into every aspect of my life. Aside from writing I tend to avoid mental challenges, years of struggling fruitlessly with learning disabilities and severe memory issues have diminished my curiosity.

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I have, however, started to remember just how much I actually love learning. I’d gotten so caught up on holding onto the knowledge and skills I have acquired, that I’d totally given up on the treasure hunt. My memory problems are such that I can and have forgotten information which I’ve dedicated my entire life to acquiring. My mind is also quick to discard anything new or unfamiliar, a single seizure can wipe out weeks of hard work. I am literally becoming stupider by the day. I am not sure if I can stop this process but if I have to learn everything over and over again for the rest of my life anyways I might as well just have at it and enjoy the ride. I want to chase the proverbial vegetable not become it.