Shake it off

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I decided to take some images so you can see the body I am so embarrassed about because it is just ridiculous for me to be so afraid of what in reality is just an average form. I realized when I was out swimming how little others care about what I look like in fact no one looked at me except for a couple of kids and they were just happy to be alive. Anyhow I had some unexpected difficulties taking these photos. I can’t zoom out my webcam and my apartment is small so I couldn’t get a full body shot. The second problem was just plan funny. It was actually very hard to find filters where I wasn’t basically invisible because I am so pale lol When I think about it probably no one can see me in high sunlight lol Originally I hadn’t planned to show my stomach but the tank I was wearing was white and again it blended right in, so I actually looked strait up naked in a barbie doll sort of way. So I switched to a black top but that blended in with other furnishings so I lifted up the top hoping that black white contrast would show that there was in fact a human being in the photos. No wonder the people I was swimming with freaked out whenever I wasn’t in the shade they couldn’t find me lol My right leg I am on my toe (lightly) and my left I am flat-footed. It looks sort of strange at the ankle because my socks are pink which is also apparently nearly the color of my amazing chameleon skin. Being so fair you can’t definition easily either which plan sucks.

I put most of my weight in my thighs. I could strangle a bear with my legs which is probably why I have never been approached by any bears. Currently my waist is pretty strait not much of a curve going on yet but “finger crossed”. I have a somewhat hard time believing I have put on 20 lbs because while I want to lose a few I think I must have looked unwell 20 lbs ago. I am short so 20 lbs is a lot of weight. That weird thing under my arm is actually my head hair (I have curly fluffy hair as you know), so not like massive arm pit hair! I do shave I promise!

On a completely different note I dropped of my registration form for school and tomorrow Sam and I are looking at 2 houses. So wish me luck!



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If I have learned one thing it’s that we do not get what we want when our objectives are ill-defined. I have found that good luck boils down to having a sense of purpose, to be committed fully to a specific goal or outcome. I have had instances of outrageously goodluck. The kind of goodluck that makes aliens as obvious as pigeons and in every one of those instances I have had a very clearly articulated wish. I want a house. I want a yard for Isadora. A place for Sam to woodwork. I want a yoga room haha The other day Sam and I looked at a house. This is the first house the bank has agreed to fund us on.


The house was not in good condition. In the photos they neglected to show the basement. Even before I stepped foot in the basement I could smell the mold. Once inside there was actually white mold growing on the ceiling! In North Carolina the humid climate makes mold somewhat unavoidable (there has to be a limit though!) but Sweden has a much dryer climate. I rarely even see mold and certainly nothing as heinous as what I saw in that basement. Sam is very handy so he can fix most things. We also have access to a lot of tools, his dad has everything conceivable. What we don’t have is an inexhaustible money tree. If anyone has such a tree and would be willing to send us a few seeds please let me know!


My nose tells me the mold situation is very severe that it’s not just stripping the basement and sticking in a dehumidifier. My nose tells me that it might have gotten into the first floor as well. On top of that they are trying to sell the house super fast and they’ve falsified some of the information. It looks suspect as hell. So we’ve decide it’s a no go on the fungal cloud house. We’ve found another house in that town which seems to be in our range (even a photo of the basement area). I will hopefully take a tour on April 23, a day after my 14 year anniversary (hope that makes it lucky). I really like the house from what I have seen so far. Just to have an opportunity feels good because for awhile there just didn’t seem to be any hope at all. I realize that any house we buy will need a lot of work but that there even exists options at all is a step up from the abyss.

Zero to Hero Day 10


Today’s challenge was all about adding widgets and again I chose to keep it simple. I might add a Blog Roll later when I have more time. For now I added a follow my blog via email button and a Goodread’s section. I have a lot of adding to do to my Goodread’s page but a few of my favorites are listed so check it out. Also please feel free to suggest books!


In unrelated news Sam and I are going to look at our first house today! We’ve browsed houses online but we’ve never taken a physical tour as we’ve never been in a position to consider owning a home. I can’t say that we are in a position now exactly but we’ve been saving up. Provided we can get the requisite loans we may be able to purchase a house! Our requirements make finding a home within our budget especially difficult

1) Must have access to tram and/or bus. I am unable to drive because of Epilepsy and there is no sign of that changing so I need to be able to get into the city without a chauffeur.

2) Must have a grocery and school nearby. Again this has to do with my inability to drive.

3) Would like to have a small easily maintained yard for Isadora. Neither Sam nor I have a green thumb so a huge garden is out of the question haha

4) Must be a reasonable distance from Sam’s work to avoid a painful commute

5) Must have a shed, garage, basement or something of the kind so Sam can woodwork

6) Must afford some privacy. We don’t want to live in an attached house for example

7) Must have 2 bathrooms. We are going to have a teenage girl so I think that goes without saying lol

8) While Sam in extremely handy we cannot afford extensive repairs/remodeling so the house must not have any major issues

9) Must have closets/storage space haha

10) Yoga room. That’s right I want a room for exercise because I exercise everyday and aside from writing which doesn’t take much space it is a primary hobby

11) Must have a spacious, well-planned kitchen. Sam and I cook A LOT and we have quite a lot of supplies.

12) Must have washer/dryer hookup. The thought of a 40 minute bus ride into the city every time I need to do laundry is a terrible one. Actually if that were the case I’d get a tub and a washboard.

13) We need 2 bedrooms, decent size. While Sam and I don’t actually need much space in our bedroom Isadora needs a play area

14) Must not have ghosts!

15) Must not be infested with insects, vermin, or mold


We looked at the house and it does have all the things we want. The yoga space is amazing haha There is some damage and I believe a lot of the outdoor paneling will need to be replaced provided there is no rot issues that is feasible. The bathrooms are small but they exist and Sam can build shelving. He built shelving for a previous bathroom and it held a ridiculous amount of stuff and it was totally unobtrusive so. He would have a nice big garage for wood-working. The kitchen is adorable and the layout of the house is really nice. Isadora loved the yard. A lot of research needs to be done and we still have to go to the bank to see if a loan is even possible. Without a loan we will have to look at apartments instead.
I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

November 26 2013

Eloise Fornieles's the Deep Waters of SleepArt By: Eloise Fornieless

My injury has left me feeling more despondent than usual. Faced with both Epilepsy and mental illness I already face a significant amount of obstacles and limitations. I find joy in the contributions I am able to make for my family, though they number far fewer than I would like. I can’t but feel that Sam and Isadora deserve more. Though it is selfish, I want to be the one to provide them with “more” only I never seem competent or well enough to do so. I am not sure good intentions are enough. I am not sure my heart is enough. No matter how indefatigable their love I will always worry that one day I will lose them. They have every reason and every right to leave. When will “I” cease being synonymous with burden?


Right now Sam and I are looking at houses and I keep thinking if only I could drive we’d have more options. If only I had a job we’d have less financial constraints. We’ve not found anything yet and our prospects are very limited. I am the reason for those limitations. Sam has chronic pain and severe Depression and he’s achieved so much in life. Aside from graduating from college I feel I’ve achieved very little. I hope to God the mold that made me was destroyed because it failed to produce a viable human being.


I haven’t mastered optimism yet, I still feel like this more often than not and what a useless mood it is! On another note I wonder if I am not falling asleep during my longer fade outs such as when I am mindlessly vacuuming with my eyes closed. Many times I’ve been startled by someone asking me if I am asleep. I am not sure how I don’t fall over if I am asleep but I had a cousin who did nod off all the time while standing up. I fell asleep once in a handstand! I did end up with some serious bruises and nearly gave myself a heart attack besides. I’ve started to wonder if I don’t have some problem with sleep? When I go to the therapist fuck all else I am going to inquire about sleep. A lack of sleep leads to seizures, illness, memory issues, mental health issues (when I don’t sleep I become extremely violent toward myself) and just a general inability to focus. How on earth will I become healthy and productive without sleep? So that is what I am going to talk about even if it makes look like a crazy person.