Cold, Spring Fever, and Haircuts

Head Cocked

I have a cold. I am not the only one though both Sam and Isadora have colds as well. The last few days I have been sticking to yoga-type workouts. I have also been taking naps! Usually I don’t nap because it ruins my sleep. I have been sleeping heavily both during my naps and at night and I am still feeling exhausted! The cold part of the cold hasn’t been so bad actually very minimal congestion and runnage. It is mostly extreme fatigue, fever (very persistent), and body pain. For me the body pain is in the hips down to the knees and the thoracic spine. For Sam it seems to be all over particularly in the neck. His cold started with a migraine. Isadora’s also started with a headache. She doesn’t seem to have body pain though and has more congestion/leakage (not much fever either). I have had tension in my head but nothing I would call a headache. I am also ravenously hungry, for some reason whenever I get sick my body wants to gorge.

If spring fever is what I think it might be then I also have that (I have had it for several weeks now). I am so restless. I am itching for warm, sunny days. I am not really enjoying my usual hobbies or maybe it is more accurate to say that I can’t focus on them long enough to enjoy them. I have been reading A LOT because of the commute to work and the long wait for the bus. My eyes are exhausted as a result. That coupled with my desperation for the great outdoors has made writing very challenging. I have been meditating though, also pretty unfocused but I have managed some successful visualizations. I am working on building an internal sanctuary.

Oh and I got hair cut to shoulder length! Yes I finally got it cut. I am not sure how I felt about the actual hairdresser, there was no connection and there were some issues with communication. She also seemed uneasy about working with my hair (I am looking for someone who is confident and can offer suggestions.). I came in with a lot of hair. My hair was waist-length. Sam made the appointment for me using a phone app. The result, she was rushed on time because the standard slot was not sufficient. When I was there she answered the phone (I gathered that someone was trying to book an appointment) and she asked them with this really desperate voice while glancing over at me “Do you have super long, extremely thick hair?” I feel pretty bad about it because I think if they had known about my hair previously they would have given me a longer time slot. She thinned my hair so it wouldn’t be so big but it is still big. She didn’t have time to dry it so she never got to see the finished product so to speak.

I forgot how hysterically curly my hair can be when short but I appreciate the liveliness of having curls. My head definitely feels lighter and it so much better lying down without that knot at the base of my head from the ponytail I had to wear all the time. I was wearing my hair up most of the time when it was long because otherwise it was getting in the way too much (I couldn’t exercise, eat, work, or even ride on the bus because it would get caught in other people’s things). I even slept with it because my hair was reaching out and suffocating Sam during the night. I can still put it in a ponytail, it is short and chunky haha I wouldn’t say there is a lot of style to the cut though and I was hoping for a bit of style. I am pretty happy about having went through with it though because man I needed it. I am hoping the breakage will grow out better now. Long hair can be very beautiful but I just wasn’t managing it very well. I don’t really look older or younger!


So how was my recovery week?

Today is officially the last day of my recovery week but since Monday is my designated yoga day, tomorrow will basically be the same. So how’s it been going? The first day or two I was feeling very anxious. I had a hard time convincing myself to take a break (the video really helped) and I was worried about regaining the weight (not that I have lost much). Day 3-5 I was feeling great and enjoying my recovery program. Day 6 was fun because I went to the park (this particular park is located in our old neighborhood and we haven’t been for years) with Sam and Isadora. The park has a lot of outdoor training equipment, all sorts of climbing and balance stuff (what the hell is the term for this style of training???!) which they didn’t have previously. We all had a blast climbing, balancing, and exploring. Day 7 aka today I am feeling antsy. I really can’t wait to get back into it and see where I am. I wonder if the time off has set me back or if it is just the recharge I needed? My fear of gaining didn’t come true and I kept my diet normal except for the protein shake which I only ever drink when doing an intense workout session. I hope the lighter training schedule I have planned will be more balanced and effective. I have also added some new exercises to me yoga routine based on physical therapy and I am hopeful that they will help be achieve more joint stability and improve my over all performance. I have already seen an increase in my flexibility/mobility.

50 Things I am Grateful For


1) Sam and Isadora. I abhorred the word family as a child. Basing my perception of normalcy on my own life experiences I came to equate family with abuse and perversity. Not so anymore now I see what a family should be.

2) Trees. When I am feeling especially stressed/miserable I go outside, just resting my hand on a a tree and feeling the beautiful spirit inside brings me an immense sense of peace/gratitude. After giving birth to Isadora I suffered from a pretty intense case of post partum. My precious little bear was healthy but she did not understand the concept of sleep. I was exhausted and yes a little crazy. I used to take her to this aviary preserve situated near a serene lake and just soak up the zen energy. There was this one tree there that was absolutely stunning.

3) Chocolate

4) Cats purring there really is no sound comparable

5) Good books this includes the funny and cute children’s books I read to Isadora at bedtime

6) Writing

7) My wordpress community

8) 7:30 pm-10:00 pm  That’s the block of time Sam and I have alone together

9) Dreams of the nighttime cinematic variety

10) Sam’s cooking the man can make anything and with my various dietary restrictions it borders on miraculous

11) Owls their little faces amuse me so

12) Picking fresh fruit both the activity and the consumption

13) Washing machines and dishwashers I am really happy not to have to do that by hand everyday. Don’t get my wrong I do find those activities meditative but they are rather time-consuming and having the option is nice

11) Moist is a band again! I am not sure if they will ever come to Sweden fingers-crossed but I am excited to see if they create some new songs

12) Planescape Torment best game ever made in my humble opinion. The team of Planscape Torment is working on a new game Torment: Tides of Numenera Sam and I have already pre-ordered it on Kickstarter woot

13) A clean house though this is a very uncommon experience I do like the feel of it lol

14) Old libraries and bookstores. I love nothing better than curling up in some creepy alcove in a room filled with books. I love the smell of old books that’s my idea of heaven right there

15) Orgasms I don’t think an explanation is required

16) Doing yoga outside with the sound of birds singing and the feel of sunshine and fresh air

17) Weeding and digging I must have been a mole in a previous incarnation because I absolutely love digging around in the dirt

18) Medical documentaries I simply cannot get enough of them

19)Planetariums I still feel that sense of awe and wonder of course I also feel it standing outside under a night sky but then I don’t have a helpful guide to fill me with facts lol

20) The tour of Europe I took in high school  it is one of my fondest memories

21) Old barns who knows why but they are scary in a very compelling way when I used to live in NC I snuck into a few of them

22) Biographies love them

23) Picnics any reason to get outside and of course I love to eat

24) Dancing it fills me with such a sense of freedom

25) Mountains when I lived in NC I got a rush every time I looked outside they just fill you with such a sense of beauty

26) My Little Ponies they were my favorite toy and I played with them right until college no joke lol

27) Dancing in the rain

28) Cloud watching (I get motion sick though)

29) Going to the movies. Even as an adult I still get that wow feeling when looking up at the big screen.

30) Being greeted by a happy dog

31) Being scared. This might be strange but usually some of the more amazing sights take place high up and although I am petrified of heights the desire to explore sometimes overtakes me.

32) Baking I don’t do it often but it is something I really enjoy.

33) Various teachers. Teachers that encouraged my writing and creativity. Teachers that made class interesting and fun. Teachers that never lost patience despite my disabilities. My ballet teacher taught me the joy of dance (I loved it as a child too but my father killed it for me by molesting me). I never thought I could love it again but seeing her smile with such innocence and radiance healed my spirit. Dancing allowed me to reconnect with the body I abhorred, it allowed me to open my extremely closed posture. She also introduced me to Isadora Duncan (not literally).

34) Through my ballet/modern dance teacher I met Lori Belilove I had never experienced the shock of celebrity before but she awed me. Seeing her move, it was supernatural I can’t even explain it she was from another planet. Having her teach me was insane! I can’t believe she even worked with me at all considering my abysmal coordination. My classmates had previous dance experience having danced since childhood, that was my first class in dance so I was a complete novice.

35) I got to watch members of the New York City ballet perform which is amazing enough but I also got to meet and work out with them!

36) I saw a Broadway play

37) My yoga class in Asheville I had the most amazing teacher when I visited the states a few years back I actually stopped in Asheville just to take that class again. I miss it desperately

38) Receiving my certification as a Pilate’s instructor was an amazing accomplishment for me because I had to do a teaching demonstration to pass

39) Graduating college though it took me a whooping 10 years to get a 4 year degree I did it

40) Being approached by a red wolf in real life and not getting attacked lol That was an extremely cool experience having such a beautiful creature approach me, it was very humbling and yes a little intimidating.

41) The good old Victorian Crowned Pigeon. The zoo in Asheboro has a lovely aviary and the Victorian Crowned Pigeon is one of the more elusive birds kept there. When I go one of these gorgeous and somewhat alarming birds always approaches me. I am sure I am in a few family photos with this big blue and I hear aggressive bird sitting on my shoulder. Luckily the bird has never shown malice toward me. I have no idea why this bird is attracted to me. Maybe it is a scent thing because I have a bizarre problem with wild birds trying to land on me as well. I know I am regular old Cinderella lol

42) The zone I have no idea what the zone is but sometimes I go there and I ace tests even in subjects I generally bomb.

43) The look of wtf on babies faces. Seeing them discover the world is an amazing thing to witness.

44) Peace and quiet I love having the house to myself in the mornings “sigh”

45) Road trips

46) Sam’s impeccable hygiene I’ve seen guys I know how it could be lol

47) The smell of fresh laundry

48) Walking I love walking, being able to walk with ease for long distances, exploring my environs

49) That my mom has always supported my love life

50) Being in the water though I am a weak swimmer I still pretend I am a mermaid!

Zero to Hero Challenge Day 12


Olga Valeska self-portrait

For today’s challenge we were asked to share a post from our blogging community that we found inspiring.  Oliana submitted her post to the “Tender Love” prompt. I host weekly prompts at Mindlovemisery and through that platform I’ve connected with many talented individuals. Whenever I try to compliment I always end up sounding like the creepy kid in the back of the class who has imaginary relationships with the popular kids so I will try not to get too carried away. Oliana’s post touched me very deeply and for me those feelings are difficult to relate in words. She has such a beautiful and generous spirit and the relationship she shares with her mother is just extraordinary. Reading her post I couldn’t help but think of my grandmother.


My grandmother was also Catholic. I was raised by my grandmother, at least partially. My mother worked multiple jobs just to make ends meet. As for my biological father he wasn’t much of a human being at all. When my mother left him and moved in with another man two hours away I begged her to let my grandmother move in with us. For those of you who are avid readers of Mindlovemisery you already know a little about my family dynamics. Mood disorders run in my family and my grandmother had a pretty severe case of something. On the one hand she was incredibly loving and devoted. She listened to my long narcissistic rambles without judgement or complaint. No matter what I did or failed to do she accepted me just the same.


Her rage was no secret to me, my stepdad and mother received the brunt of it. Sometimes she turned it on me as well but she was the only one who “got” me and I would have forgiven her most anything. She could go from joyful, to depressed, to incensed within the expanse of five minutes. She was hysterically funny and my friends loved her, they didn’t get to see the “evil” side. Growing up as I had, I assumed everyone had an evil side. I was a monster. We were all monsters. As my grandmother got older it became apparent that something wasn’t right, her bravado had made some of her crazy seem intentional. She started to see demons and angels. She was plagued by her past.


She had multiple versions of the past many of them conflicting. After my grandmother passed my mother looked up her only remaining family member, a niece hoping to gain some clarity. The moment my mom asked about our family history the woman began shrieking and wailing hysterically. At that point her husband got on the phone and apologized. He would only say that what little he knew of his wife’s past was too horrific to speak about. What happened to my grandmother? Was she a victim of unspeakable abuse? Was she a villain? I’ll never know.


My grandmother developed dementia and at long last she received a diagnosis and treatment for her mood disorder. Everything that had been good and pure about her came to the surface. The demonic voices went away. The rages and mood swings vanished entirely. With her past beyond recollection it seemed a burden had been lifted from her shoulders. She was at peace. She never forgot the people closest to her. She never became unable to recognize us. The once strained relationship between my mother and grandmother healed. They developed a close and loving relationship, the kind that only I had ever been able to establish with her before, as I had been the only one in the family able to see through her illness. Reading Oliana’s post reminded me of the closeness I had with my grandmother and the beautiful relationship that developed between her and her own daughter in those final years.


Oliana’s post can be found here:

I'm a Zero to Hero Blogger!

November 26 2013

Eloise Fornieles's the Deep Waters of SleepArt By: Eloise Fornieless

My injury has left me feeling more despondent than usual. Faced with both Epilepsy and mental illness I already face a significant amount of obstacles and limitations. I find joy in the contributions I am able to make for my family, though they number far fewer than I would like. I can’t but feel that Sam and Isadora deserve more. Though it is selfish, I want to be the one to provide them with “more” only I never seem competent or well enough to do so. I am not sure good intentions are enough. I am not sure my heart is enough. No matter how indefatigable their love I will always worry that one day I will lose them. They have every reason and every right to leave. When will “I” cease being synonymous with burden?


Right now Sam and I are looking at houses and I keep thinking if only I could drive we’d have more options. If only I had a job we’d have less financial constraints. We’ve not found anything yet and our prospects are very limited. I am the reason for those limitations. Sam has chronic pain and severe Depression and he’s achieved so much in life. Aside from graduating from college I feel I’ve achieved very little. I hope to God the mold that made me was destroyed because it failed to produce a viable human being.


I haven’t mastered optimism yet, I still feel like this more often than not and what a useless mood it is! On another note I wonder if I am not falling asleep during my longer fade outs such as when I am mindlessly vacuuming with my eyes closed. Many times I’ve been startled by someone asking me if I am asleep. I am not sure how I don’t fall over if I am asleep but I had a cousin who did nod off all the time while standing up. I fell asleep once in a handstand! I did end up with some serious bruises and nearly gave myself a heart attack besides. I’ve started to wonder if I don’t have some problem with sleep? When I go to the therapist fuck all else I am going to inquire about sleep. A lack of sleep leads to seizures, illness, memory issues, mental health issues (when I don’t sleep I become extremely violent toward myself) and just a general inability to focus. How on earth will I become healthy and productive without sleep? So that is what I am going to talk about even if it makes look like a crazy person.


October 18 2013


I have started to notice changes taking root within. These changes have not been spontaneous, they’ve evolved organically over the course of my lifetime. At times I have regressed, lost my footing, and run swinging in the wrong direction. At times I’ve stood mulishly in the center of the road, an obstacle to all that would pass nearby. At times I have sprinted forward a few feet energized by an epiphany. Most of the time I have had to crawl. Elbows and knees callused, torso littered with oozing fist-sized holes. My childhood was hard and my adulthood has seen many manifestations of hell, hells for which I alone am responsible, hells that I have fostered and fed as if my own progeny. Most of my problems now are the inventions of first world gluttony. In truth I am blessed. The life I am creating now is the life I want. I haven’t settled. I chose love. I chose to write and engage my passions. And I am striving to become healthy.


I have started to take initiative. I have started to extend a hand to others in need. I have spent more time talking to Isadora. I have spent more time teaching Isadora. I’ve noticed that my requests are being made with more explanations than nonsensical threats. I am doing more things for myself without questioning or complaint. Am I a productive member of society? No. Am I becoming a more active member of my own family? I think so. Have I arrived at my destination? No I am not dead yet and as long as I am not dead I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.