Today I did an improvisational HIIT workout using Sam’s timer. I am happy to say it kicked my ass. I had no problem coming up with exercises on the spot. Actually it might be easier to film an improvisational workout because my mind would be working on the next exercise leaving it less time for anxiety/insecurity! Anyway it was a lot of fun and I don’t feel that I went easy on myself. Actually the good thing about improvisational is that you can adjust for your heart rate to keep yourself right there on the edge the entire time.
Tuesday was my first workout after my week long yoga break. I was very excited to get back into a more rigorous training routine. Yoga has been enjoyable. I needed the pause. My flexibility has improved and I even got a few good night’s sleep out of it. I am sad to say that I am back to dreaming in excess though. I wake up feeling exhausted and I remain in this kind of hazy intermediate stage much of the day. Funny thing though I seem to be capable of inducing sleep in others. I don’t mean people doze at the sound of my voice. It’s just that when I am the bus there is a circle of people around me, dead asleep. Not just in the morning which is understandable but in the middle of the day as well. Only around me everyone else on the bus is awake and animated midday. It’s like I’m exuding all my good sleep hormones!
Onto my workouts. So far so good. Tuesday was HIIT. My breathing was good. I felt I was jumping higher. I had fun. My calves are sore though (jump rope). Wednesday was an arm workout. I had 15 exercises and 30 minutes to complete as many rounds as possible. I got through 3 sets, with 8 reps each. A personal best actually. I had to make some changes to avoid putting weight onto my right wrist though. My wrist has been an issue for years. About 3 years ago I injured my wrist while jumping back into a Burpee. I tried resting the wrist but it didn’t help. Then I discovered I was tucking the wrist under my body when I was sleeping so I bought a wrist brace to sleep with at night. That really helped but before my wrist completely recovered I fell hard on some ice and landed with tremendous force on my recovering wrist! Ever since then I go through cycles where my wrist is okay, kind of weak but I can bear weight. After a while bearing weight gets painful so I take it easy. The wrist gets worse anyway and eventually interferes with normal activities so I sleep in the brace and it improves back to stage one. So never quite right but not always bad. In the worst stages it burns and my fingers fall asleep and its feels floppy and stabby and weird. I suppose I should check it out but I don’t want to go to the doctor. Today is yoga since I have my cleaning job which is quite strenuous by itself.
I have recently started meditation. The first night I slept brilliantly. Meditation is something I have always found threatening in practice, theoretically it sounds lovely. I have Dissassociative Disorder so I am not exactly on speaking terms with reality. I am certain to run into some demons during this process and I am not ashamed to say that scares me. Sitting with myself, being present, feeling my feelings I expect I am going to struggle sometimes. At the moment I am experiencing some resistance (both of the mental and physical sort). While I am meditating I am okay. I have monkey mind and I have pain/tension but it’s okay. The following day though I am tired, disoriented, and easily irritated. I have periods were I just forget how to person like I’ve had some sort of neurological episode. I am finding this very difficult actually. I imagine it’s like starting to exercise at first you are sore and exhausted! At least that is how I choose to see it. I have never stuck with meditation though so I want to give it an honest go.
For the sake of honesty my diet hasn’t been great lately. A lot of frozen meals (not that my frozen meal choices are all pizza I eat a lot of vegetarian dishes). I haven’t yet worked cooking into my schedule. Also Sam has made several batches of chocolate muffins and some chocolate balls with Oreos and cream cheese. So I have had too much sugar.
On another note I have been fidgety. I seem to want to be busy but I am not quite sure what I want to do.
Honestly I can’t believe it has been 9 months since I last updated my measurements. I actually thought I had done it 2 months ago, time really flies haha. There is nothing amazing to report. As you know I have thyroid issues and because of it my metabolism is slower than average. Calorie deficits don’t work for me because it seems to trigger starvation mode instantaneously. For several months I attempted my usual over-exercise route but of course that has the same effect of slowing my metabolism to a crawl (it also increases my appetite). So recently I have reworked my exercise plan. I eat normally. No dieting. No restriction other than keeping my sweet treats down to once a day in sensible portions. I exercise in moderation (at least I try). I have after months of spinning in circles and struggling against my metabolism finally started to see a teeny tiny bit of movement in the right direction. It’s not much and I know anyone else in 9 months would have a totally different body by now but I haven’t gained and that alone makes me happy. Consistency, consistency, consistency. I am aiming for a lifelong plan obviously, not a quick fix.
Here are my old stats for comparison
Starting Weight: 59.5 kg/131lbs
Current Weight: 58 kg/127.8 lbs
Right and Left Arm: 27 cm/10.6 inches
Waist: 66.6 cm/26.2 inches (look at that evil number haha)
Hips 96.5 cm/37.9 inches
Right Thigh: 54.3 cm/21.4 inches
Left Thigh: 53.8 cm/21.2 inches
Right and Left Calf: 34.2 cm/13.5 inches
Chest: 95.5 cm/37.5 inches
Here are my stats as of this morning
Current Weight- 56.2 kg/123.8 1bs
Right and Left Arm: 25.4 cm/10 inches
Waist: 64.7 cm/25.5 inches
Hips: 91.4 cm/36 inches
Right Thigh: 51.4 cm/20.25 inches
Left Thigh: 50.8 cm/20 inches
Right and Left Calf: 33.6 cm/13.25 (My calves are pretty much just this size as weird and enormous as that is. No matter what I weigh that is the size they are.)
Chest: 88.9 cm/35 inches (I am not totally sure about this because I didn’t have a proper bra on I had on my sports bra where as before I wore a properly fitting bra. Either way my actual boobs don’t seem to have changed much and I hope they won’t because I am satisfied with them lol)
What I am aiming for (overall I am pretty content I just really want a tiny waist)
Weight: 54 kg/120 lbs (I am not that far! Though it might take me another 9 months to get there lol)
Arms: 9.5 inches so not much just a little sleeker
Waist: 23 inches (lol really I do probably not going to happen if I don’t give up gluten though because I have problems with my stomach (try alternating diarrhea and constipation, bloating and severe cramps))
Hips: I am not really aiming to lose my butt
Thighs: Don’t really care actually 20 inches even just for symmetry. I am not worried about thick thighs though, that is my personal preference. I wouldn’t mind losing a bit more fat and putting in some more muscle though. Actually even though the measurements haven’t changed much I visually do see a difference!
Calves: The calves I have are the calves I have, genetically I come from a long line of ladies with monster calves.
Chest: I would like to keep what I have please and thank you.
I don’t actually remember where I am in this blog. What have I told you? What haven’t I told you? Anyhow I have switched to my new workout format. I now wake up at 5:50 am so I can get ready for work. I still do yoga in the mornings which is partly why I have to wake up so damn early. I don’t have much time to get ready in the mornings and it is a mad chaotic dash. I have to do a lot of prep in advance. I have to prepare my lunch and even my breakfast the night before. I have to set my clothes out in advance. I have to brush my hair and floss my teeth the night before as well. Weirdly my hair does not get tangled from sleeping. Once I am off the bus I have to walk as fast as I can (considering the snow and ice) to work. It is only like a 10 minute walk but I am power walking the hell out it. My job is not totally sedentary. I am standing for some of it, twisting turning, and occasionally it requires a little umm force. Then I get to sit in the cold for about 50 minutes waiting for the bus which I am sure is burning calories because even though I eat lunch I am pretty much starved by the time I get home lol Once home I clean and workout. I haven’t gotten used to the new schedule yet so the workouts are pretty fucking grueling. When I have yoga that is fabulous but Hiit and weights is tough. My arms are actually rather tired since I am using my hands and arms in my work. I know I am burning extra calories but I have less time to eat. I like to have peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast but that takes a long time to eat (I am the slowest sandwich eater in the known universe) and so I end up with oatmeal or kefir and muesli and that does nothing to sooth my voracious appetite. For lunch it is just easier to have a sandwich partly because I am too lazy about cooking dinner and rarely have anything left over. I have to get the eating sorted because I am sure that is partly why I don’t have any energy by the time I workout. Also Sam and Isadora are sick so I might be fighting their germs.
Here is my workout video for the day. I am still struggling with lunges. I almost wish I had a harness pulling me back so I wouldn’t keep drifting forward with that front knee. My arms were tired today and this didn’t exactly help with all those pushups. I am so slow with pushups but I have pinched nerves in both shoulders so I have to be very careful with my alignment. I am sure you have noticed I mostly do yoga-style pushups and that is because they don’t pinch. I had a few other issues. I am weirdly skittish about Get Ups. Squat Jumps are quite hard for me as well. I am not good with soft landings haha Exercise doesn’t always look pretty!
Where do I even begin? I have another full length workout for you. I slept poorly last night (traumatic nightmares) and I was, as you will see, a little out of it. My workout is actually on that piece of paper I am straining to see, I just used the workout video in the background as a timer. I messed up a couple of times. I left out some skips which I had to add back later. I feel like you can see pretty well from this angle (not perfectly because I am still headless when standing). If I ever teach workouts I will have to move to a larger room so I can get a full shot. I am not exactly sure how my webcam is going to do with voice recording if I ever talk, I have a feeling the voice quality is going to be an issue.
Why am I doing this?
As I mentioned before I had a traumatic childhood. As a result of that trauma I developed PTSD, Body Dysmorphia, and Dissociative Disorder. I hate being watched. Being watched is paralyzing. In school I had a very difficult time in performance subjects like music and gym. I am that adult who stops breathing or hyperventilates when people so much as glance in my general direction. I am that adult whose work slows to a crawl when her boss is in the same room. I am that adult who can’t pour drinks or cut cakes at parties because of her extreme clumsiness. I don’t just change my behavior when being observed I become hopelessly, irrationally incompetent. So the camera thing is in part to help me connect mind and body and in part to help me desensitize myself to observation.
Now I know this is going to sound crazy because it is crazy but I believe that photographs are partially sentient. I don’t believe this intellectually but somewhere in my mind the concept exists because I can’t have photos anywhere near me or else I start conversing with them. I also don’t like when the camera is pointed at me even if no one is behind it. I know when I make these films that I don’t have to post them. I also know that unless I tell you about them you have no idea that I have even made them. That gives me some sense of control. I do think this desensitization process is working because the other day when I did chair pose I was actually breathing. I also care less about fat rolls because honestly a week ago I wouldn’t have posted this in light of my flabbiness. I have some loose skin in the lower abs from pregnancy and because of the scarring it doesn’t fully tighten. I want to get to a place of self-acceptance. I want to be able to go swimming. I love swimming but I never go because I don’t want to be seen in a swimsuit. When I was an overweight preteen a classmate took some video footage of a headless me in a swimsuit (we were at the pool for a class trip). As the image was headless my identity was hidden but for years they would play that video back and make fun of the hideous, headless fat girl. I was that hideous, headless fat girl. The girl who took the footage was not trying to be mean, she was just filming the class trip (I actually think she edited out my face). I doubt it even occurred to her the negative impact that video was going to have on my self-esteem. At that age a lot of the girls had 6 packs and flat abs so I felt like a whale. I still feel like that same girl though, like I have not changed at all.
Lastly I want others like me. Clumsy types. Shy types. Mid-weight body-types. To feel good about themselves. Right now we are flooded with extremes. The media likes ultra slim girls with chiseled abs. The media likes vivacious, curvaceous plus-sized models. That is fine of course but us regular girls seem to have no place anymore. As a regular girl people criticize me for being too fat and being too thin! Sometimes in the same day! Society seems to have forgotten what us people in the middle look like. There is no good enough for society. There is no just right as far as society is concerned. Societies idea of healthy is not only unattainable but dangerous.
I also did this little ab workout because my other workout was a little shorter than expected. I look terrible in this yikes. The first exercise I did was new to me so I got a little confused.
I think I can get slightly more of the yoga mat in a frame if I sit the laptop outside of the room. The consequence is glaring sunlight “sigh”. This is chair pose which I typically hold for 30 seconds. I used to be unable to get my arms up by ears (I held them strait ahead) which shows that the posture work has helped. I still have lower than average shoulder mobility but this for me is a big achievement. I was quite down on myself today though, not feeling my yoga at all this morning. It happens sometimes but I did get through it.
Here is your exercise for the day Warrior 3. Warrior 3 is a balance pose and a great back strengthener. In the video I show you 3 possible positions for your arms. The hardest is arms in front. Obviously do it on both legs (one leg is usually a little trickier than the other). I typically hold for 30 seconds per side.
Today I decided to film my workout. I wanted to do it for myself to check in on my form and speed. It was very informative and I recommend it to anyone looking to improve their workouts. I learned that I am not keeping my knees 90/90 when I lunge (yikes I need to work on that one). I learned that sometimes I am leaning too far forward in squats. I learned that my butt is higher up in that plank then I thought it was haha. I also learned that I make some really bizarre faces when I exercise! I was completely perplexed by those squat jumps, sometimes I get them, sometimes I don’t. I have a hard time with high impact jumping, those tuck jumps what?! In the beginning I do a long jump I am jumping from one end of the yoga mat to the other. I can’t jump further or I would hit the wall.
If you wonder why I use the sandbag it’s because it prevents me from hyper-extending my wrists, also I have short arms and some things are quite awkward with short arms and a long torso. If you wonder why I am not using a jump rope its not because I don’t own one, I do own one that I love, it is just my ceilings are too low to use it indoors.
I am trying to find a good place for the webcam so I can get a full view but the room is small and I am not sure I can get the whole yoga mat into the frame. You can’t see me doing some moves, like tricep extensions. My small purple weights are not heavy enough it’s just that I don’t have time to change the weight on the bar and the larger black hand held weights are just so awkwardly big that they don’t allow me to bicep curl! Also I am still am having issues holding my breath with the camera being on so my breathing was pretty weird.
Today I went with Side Angle Pose, this is a yoga pose for those of you who aren’t familiar. Typically I hold this pose for 1 minute (30 seconds to 1 minute is good). I prefer the basic version because it allows me to keep my chest open. As you know I have Kyphosis and postural issues and the full pose doesn’t allow me to achieve the same degree of expansion. In the video I move my bottom arm to show you that I am not slouching in the pose. There really shouldn’t be weight in that bottom arm.