Schedules, Training, Madness, and Aspirin

So I am still alive. Still working out. Still trying to achieve a good balance. Scheduling has always been a bit of a nightmare for me really. I strive to get everything done by 3 pm and depending on whether I can accomplish that and if I have energy (mental and physical) to spare I might make dinner. I rarely make dinner to tell you the truth at least not the healthy from scratch dinners of my dreams. Why do I have to get everything done by 3pm? Brain death. My brain is encased in ever present fog. In the morning I am able to focus better. I have energy. My mood is generally more positive. By the end of the day the fog can be incredibly dense. My energy levels plummet. After dinner (around 5:30 pm) I am pretty much exhausted. Sometimes I have seizures at the end of the day. The Depression that I had been running from during the day catches up and whacks me over the head. Everyday is a race. Everyday I try to pack in whatever I can before my brain goes all mushy and wonky and unpleasant. Once Sam comes home around dinnertime what I need is a good long snuggle. I need comedy. I need to unwind otherwise I can’t, despite being utterly exhausted, sleep and if I can’t sleep I go fucking nuts. Like really certifiably nuts. I am sure there must be a better more normal way of coping but I have not figured out how to do it. Having such a tiny window of time to fit my life activities into is challenging and completely mad but so is life.

Once again I have decided to revamp my training schedule. Here is what I have come up with this time!

Though I have not included it I do 30 minutes of yoga every morning before breakfast. If I didn’t do this session I would be overwhelmed by body pain/stiffness (because I have PTSD and Dissociative Disorder I hold a lot of tension in my muscles, have a lot of nightmares, and position my body awkwardly and painfully when I sleep). It also helps with the Depression and honestly keeps the suicidal thoughts at bay. For me yoga is medicine.

I would like to do more Hiit because it’s fun but it just doesn’t work at the moment. Thursday I have 4 hours of intense physical activity at work so there is just no way. The other days of the week I work at the factory. Some days I am carrying boxes around. Some days I have to stand the entire time. Some jobs are more physically strenuous than others. I find I am usually quite tired when I get home. I also walk more since I have started working. Now that it is getting warmer I am also going to have to find some motivation for gardening! So in the end I am just not as sedentary as I used to be so the longer, more frequent Hiit workouts don’t make sense. Saturday’s Hiit I can manage a longer session but Tuesdays will have to be shorter preferably 30-40 minutes.

I am investigating the possibility of taking a yin yoga course on Sundays. The course is 75 minutes. If I am able to do it that would be 75 minutes plus my 30 minute morning yoga plus 30 minutes to 1 hour of lower body training. The yoga class is also squarely at dinner time. Which is sort of an issue because while I am very hungry around 5pm I tend to have no appetite after 6 pm (my body switches into that weird hibernation cycle I spoke about earlier). Still Sunday would be the only day that I could feasibly do it and I do love yoga. Also yin yoga is more relaxing than say Ashtanga Yoga. Maybe I could eat half my dinner before and half of it after? I have to see how much it costs. I also have to see if the hubster would drive me into town!

Monday- Back/Posture/Pilates/Ballet (I have Kyphosis and I figured I need to spend some extra time on strengthening my back and improving my posture.)

Tuesday- Hiit/Cardio

Wednesday- Upper Body

Thursday- Yoga (my cleaning job is just too exhausting to allow for any other type of workout)

Friday- Abs

Saturday- Hiit/Cardio

Sunday- Lowerbody

I have 6 weeks of my new routine scheduled into my journal. I am excited to see how it goes! On another unpleasant, read with caution note I am having major digestive issues. I have found that I can’t take aspirin at all, it just ruins my stomach. I was sick with the flu a while ago and so I took some aspirin for the body pain and fever and it severely irritated my stomach lining (which caused excruciating pain) and gave me a nightmare case of diarrhea. 2 years ago when I took aspirin this happened as well. I am not even taking a particularly strong aspirin but it causes really intense stomach pain. The stomach issues can last for weeks after. Yesterday my stomach was so enlarged I looked to be 6 months pregnant. I don’t think it is at the level of internal bleeding but I think it would get to that level if I had taken more pills. So if anyone knows any natural fever reducers and pain killers for the next time I get the flu please let me know!

Advice to Self

I have a lot to say but I am not really sure if I will cover everything in this post.

First of all a video. Sam shared this with me a few days ago. It is an inspiring, no excuses, kick in the ass sort of video so if you are feeling defeated and sensitive at the moment it will either knock you out of your rut or pummel you into the floor.

I am not 100% sure how I feel about this video (I do like it). I do agree that if you use your free time to productively work toward your goals that you will make major, possibly life-changing gains. I also agree that getting good at anything takes a long time and a lot of hard work. I wasn’t born with a pencil in my hand, writing sonnets by age six. I had an interest in poetry. I read it first (voraciously let me add) and eventually I started writing my own. I didn’t make any real progress until I started to set aside time to work on it daily (a practice I have neglected of late). My concerns are that I have an obsessive and addictive personality. I am not ambitious so much as destructive. I take everything a step (or 3) too far. I have literally worked myself into the hospital. So at the moment I do not know how to be obsessed with something in a healthy way.

I was abused and I don’t need to get over it. It happened and there is no getting over something like that. I keep trying to return to the me I might have been if I hadn’t been abused but that person doesn’t exist! The only person I have to be, is who I am right now and this person still has issues, issues the me I might have or should have been can’t fucking fathom, much less handle. While I have moved forward, broken the cycle, created a beautiful and safe environment in which I can thrive I am still going to feel things that scare me, that shame me, that frustrate and exhaust me. I am occasionally going to remember something sad or something terrible.  I am not living that life anymore thankfully but I can’t erase it either.  I can’t erase the me that was betrayed and mistreated but I am in a place now where I can do better for her.

My Unmentionables

Those reading my poetry blog may have noticed a decline in the quality of my work.

As you may or may not know I have started class again but I have changed schools. I liked my classmates in my previous school. The classmates in my new school seem nice and a few of them have attempted to reach out to me. I would like to say I have reached back and am well on my way to making friends but unfortunately that’s not the case. I am overwhelmed by all the newness and by issues in my personal life. I have been feeling very disconnected lately and can hardly carry on a conversation.

So what has me so distracted these days? Well I have recently told my mom about being molested. She believed me. She also confronted my dad, just as I knew she would. He was in bad condition, living in filth, and drunk. He denied it outright but added sharply that if he did anything he was probably drunk. He approached her then (I am not sure in what manner she would not say) but she ran out of the house. He hasn’t changed. He is still a monster. He is still my father (by blood only). I am bothered that my dad is far from the only monster in my family tree. I am bothered that when looking at arrests in my hometown 400 of them are family members. It’s not even a big city. I am bothered that I grew up in a carnival of malevolence.

Part 2. When my mom was pregnant (aside from working the whole time because my dad was an unemployed alcoholic) my grandma tried to kill her/us. I feel some sense of betrayal because I loved my grandma so much. Granted she hadn’t met me when she attempted to purge the demon’s spawn but still it makes me think all sorts of stupid things. Like maybe she only used me to get at my mom, to turn me against her in retaliation (she was vindictive and held grudges for life). I would like to think she genuinely loved me, that she regretted the whole attempted murder thing when she met me. I like to think she came to realize that I wasn’t a demon spawn but a person. I realize that even if I was just part of a revenge scheme that I loved her and she did give me comfort and sometimes weirdly stability (despite being very unstable). I perceived her as loving me as well despite some serious control issues and mood swings. Is a person who would kill their pregnant daughter capable of love? I don’t know. It may not matter because I loved her enough for two people but it breaks my heart a little.