Schedules, Training, Madness, and Aspirin

So I am still alive. Still working out. Still trying to achieve a good balance. Scheduling has always been a bit of a nightmare for me really. I strive to get everything done by 3 pm and depending on whether I can accomplish that and if I have energy (mental and physical) to spare I might make dinner. I rarely make dinner to tell you the truth at least not the healthy from scratch dinners of my dreams. Why do I have to get everything done by 3pm? Brain death. My brain is encased in ever present fog. In the morning I am able to focus better. I have energy. My mood is generally more positive. By the end of the day the fog can be incredibly dense. My energy levels plummet. After dinner (around 5:30 pm) I am pretty much exhausted. Sometimes I have seizures at the end of the day. The Depression that I had been running from during the day catches up and whacks me over the head. Everyday is a race. Everyday I try to pack in whatever I can before my brain goes all mushy and wonky and unpleasant. Once Sam comes home around dinnertime what I need is a good long snuggle. I need comedy. I need to unwind otherwise I can’t, despite being utterly exhausted, sleep and if I can’t sleep I go fucking nuts. Like really certifiably nuts. I am sure there must be a better more normal way of coping but I have not figured out how to do it. Having such a tiny window of time to fit my life activities into is challenging and completely mad but so is life.

Once again I have decided to revamp my training schedule. Here is what I have come up with this time!

Though I have not included it I do 30 minutes of yoga every morning before breakfast. If I didn’t do this session I would be overwhelmed by body pain/stiffness (because I have PTSD and Dissociative Disorder I hold a lot of tension in my muscles, have a lot of nightmares, and position my body awkwardly and painfully when I sleep). It also helps with the Depression and honestly keeps the suicidal thoughts at bay. For me yoga is medicine.

I would like to do more Hiit because it’s fun but it just doesn’t work at the moment. Thursday I have 4 hours of intense physical activity at work so there is just no way. The other days of the week I work at the factory. Some days I am carrying boxes around. Some days I have to stand the entire time. Some jobs are more physically strenuous than others. I find I am usually quite tired when I get home. I also walk more since I have started working. Now that it is getting warmer I am also going to have to find some motivation for gardening! So in the end I am just not as sedentary as I used to be so the longer, more frequent Hiit workouts don’t make sense. Saturday’s Hiit I can manage a longer session but Tuesdays will have to be shorter preferably 30-40 minutes.

I am investigating the possibility of taking a yin yoga course on Sundays. The course is 75 minutes. If I am able to do it that would be 75 minutes plus my 30 minute morning yoga plus 30 minutes to 1 hour of lower body training. The yoga class is also squarely at dinner time. Which is sort of an issue because while I am very hungry around 5pm I tend to have no appetite after 6 pm (my body switches into that weird hibernation cycle I spoke about earlier). Still Sunday would be the only day that I could feasibly do it and I do love yoga. Also yin yoga is more relaxing than say Ashtanga Yoga. Maybe I could eat half my dinner before and half of it after? I have to see how much it costs. I also have to see if the hubster would drive me into town!

Monday- Back/Posture/Pilates/Ballet (I have Kyphosis and I figured I need to spend some extra time on strengthening my back and improving my posture.)

Tuesday- Hiit/Cardio

Wednesday- Upper Body

Thursday- Yoga (my cleaning job is just too exhausting to allow for any other type of workout)

Friday- Abs

Saturday- Hiit/Cardio

Sunday- Lowerbody

I have 6 weeks of my new routine scheduled into my journal. I am excited to see how it goes! On another unpleasant, read with caution note I am having major digestive issues. I have found that I can’t take aspirin at all, it just ruins my stomach. I was sick with the flu a while ago and so I took some aspirin for the body pain and fever and it severely irritated my stomach lining (which caused excruciating pain) and gave me a nightmare case of diarrhea. 2 years ago when I took aspirin this happened as well. I am not even taking a particularly strong aspirin but it causes really intense stomach pain. The stomach issues can last for weeks after. Yesterday my stomach was so enlarged I looked to be 6 months pregnant. I don’t think it is at the level of internal bleeding but I think it would get to that level if I had taken more pills. So if anyone knows any natural fever reducers and pain killers for the next time I get the flu please let me know!

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Overdue

I went in for my interview today (not actually but I started this post days ago). I was very nervous as you can well imagine given my social anxiety. I am surprised at how many people don’t understand social anxiety. People often think that if they are nice my anxiety will magically disappear and while I obviously prefer the company of nice people, my anxiety never goes away. I keep thinking if I get to know someone well enough it will but it doesn’t. Because the anxiety never subsides people start to feel that I don’t trust them or that I have a bad opinion of them/don’t want to spend together. I am really only capable of being comfortable with one or two people at a time. Growing up I was comfortable with my grandmother and my best friend. Now I am comfortable with my husband and daughter. My anxiety is demanding and exhausting.

Anyways going to these interviews is pure terror but I did it. I don’t really know how to explain this job. I’ll be working with widgets, basically. Putting little bits with other little bits. I am nervous about working with numbers. We need 55 of widget A and 230 of widget B and the bookcases are all organized by numerical codes. I have Dyscalculia. I have trouble even with simple math. I have trouble reading numbers and saying them out loud. I turn numbers around when I write them down so I can’t even copy numbers from one paper to the next. I have a little book with my exercise schedules and the dates are always wrong, always and I don’t understand it because I am looking at the bloody calendar while I am writing it down. I have enormous trouble with time. I don’t understand the way people say the time it is ½ past blah. I have to say the time exactly and even then I am never really sure I have said it properly. I can’t really read a clock either. I do not think I need to tell you how embarrassing this problem is for a 35 year old! People always ask me why don’t you train? Well I have done. I have had so many tutors over the years! I have taken so many courses! I once had a math teacher experienced with Dyscalculia and I did improve a little which gave me hope but then I had seizures. After the seizures my issue got much worse. I now have to carry my phone number on a paper (that has been written by my husband) and hand it to people when they ask me what my phone number is. I hate when people speak their phone number to me because I don’t understand it and I have to explain that I can’t understand it. During the interview my caseworker asked me the hours I work at my cleaning job. I could not say them. She wanted me to pick times to begin on the spot and she had the bus schedule but I honestly can’t read the bus schedule so I told her I must wait and arrange it with child care. She wanted me to write the date on my contract but I never know the date and I can never remember how to write the date anyhow. I am going to have to start carrying my work schedule on a piece of paper. While it is embarrassing pulling out my little papers at least the info is correct (if someone else has written it).

I am upset with my caseworker. While trying to sort my schedule she asked me to move my therapy sessions. I asked her when exactly since I am set to work all week. I asked her if I should move them to the weekend for her convenience (I was that sarcastic). She looked a bit flabbergasted. She would cancel my therapy herself if she could do it. Therapy isn’t something I am doing for shits and giggles. She doesn’t like that I won’t work on therapy days. Again my therapy sessions aren’t about day to day annoyances. I don’t walk out feeling refreshed and validated. I am talking about some heavy shit in there and I am in a very vulnerable state afterwards. I am barely functional afterwards. Just getting myself home after is difficult, ask hubby who has had to rush out of work to pick up a very emotional confused wife. I am tired of having to fight and explain myself for going to therapy.

I got the internship btw. I just have to settle on some hours. It will be M T W and every other F for 4 hours a day. I am trying not to stress but I am. I am not sure if this will turn into a job because I am worried about the numbers issue. I am also worried because the lovely ladies I met there said it can be quite stressful. I am worried because I hate change and this changes everything. I am worried because if they offer the job I am supposed to accept it (The Unemployment Agency does not care if the job is awful). Maybe the job is just what I need and maybe I will enjoy it. Maybe the monotony of it, makes it safe. I am feeling negative at the moment though, about everything.

I also have some family issues. My mom is in a very bad mental state right now, I am extremely worried. I am also facing some very challenging parenting issues that I won’t go into here. Oh yes and my daughter had her birthday so I have had to arrange and participate in 2 parties.

Challenged

First the good news

I ordered an Equalizer/Challenger. I am very excited. I really think it is going to push my workouts to the next level. It is supposed to arrive today but I have horrible luck with the mail so I am really anxious =(. I am also working a lot with my flexibility at the moment. My ankles have always been very stiff and I am not sure if that has to do with muscular tension in my calves but I am working on them from all angles. I am also working on strengthening my abductors. I have definitely increased my strength but they are still very weak in comparison to my adductors. My adductors could well be my strongest muscle and my abductors one of my weakest so I am seriously unbalanced. I am also trying to increase the mobility in my hips which is a bit weird. In some ways my hips are very flexible but in others my mobility is seriously limited think Frog Pose.

Random

The other day hubbie and I were talking. He doesn’t feel he can be himself around some people which isn’t all that unusual, I feel that way too sometimes. I have never really detected anything remotely fake about him but he says that he sometimes avoids or side steps traps in conversation that might lead to confrontations. I don’t fully understand this concept. I asked him if I also do this and he said no. Apparently I set off all the traps and then I have no idea I have done it and just carry on more or less normally. While this obliviousness can diffuse some people/situations, it can also infuriate and exacerbate others. I had this problem with my bullies in school they wanted so bad to upset me but sometimes I just didn’t understand the situation well enough to be upset. My husband has Asperger’s Syndrome and yet sometimes he has to explain emotions and social situations to me. Of course there are times I get it and he doesn’t. We help each other out but even so we are considered “eccentric”. So far Isadora does not seem to have this same eccentricity she seems more or less on top of her social game.

The reason I mentioned the above was because I am not good at dealing with emotions. I have trouble understanding how I feel and most of my emotions are just some variant of grumpy. So the situation with my stepdad is very difficult for me to comprehend. My mom called last night. The cancer is worse than we thought it has spread more or less through his entire body. He is Stage 4. He probably has 1-3 months left. Right now he is in intensive care having his lungs drained but he wants to go home as soon as possible. Death is very hard for me to process. That is why I am not filming workouts right now, I feeling too emotional and vulnerable. I am working out because I need the stress relief.

Chair Pose

I think I can get slightly more of the yoga mat in a frame if I sit the laptop outside of the room. The consequence is glaring sunlight “sigh”. This is chair pose which I typically hold for 30 seconds. I used to be unable to get my arms up by ears (I held them strait ahead) which shows that the posture work has helped. I still have lower than average shoulder mobility but this for me is a big achievement. I was quite down on myself today though, not feeling my yoga at all this morning. It happens sometimes but I did get through it.

Bad Dreams and Congestion!

Isadora is still home from school with the cold/flu. At the moment both of our temperatures are hanging around the normal/slightly elevated range which is a welcome improvement but we are still heavily congested. The congestion was just in the chest, now it is also in the head.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being sick? Well I do. I don’t have the patience. It was fine when I was getting sick only once a year or once every couple of years but now that my immune system has taken a nose dive I am practically hysterical with impatience. I am sure hysteria isn’t helping my immune system at all but in the last few years I have gotten sick an alarming amount.

I had disturbed dreams last night. In one installment I was in my high school gym (no one from my high school was present) and I was participating in an exercise course. I have oddly done this same course before in another dream. I was much thinner in the dream than I am in reality and my brain kept saying things like you will be happier when you look like this but of course I know that isn’t true. I have been underweight, healthy weight, and overweight, while being healthy does improve my outlook, being healthy and being skinny are not synonymous. I know the risks of being underweight. I remember how it felt and happiness had nothing to do with it. When I am overweight I don’t want to be touched. When I am underweight I don’t want to be touched. I just feel really disconnected when I am entering any sort of extreme range. The dream was intense and it was followed by a dream of being naked in a public building. Sam wouldn’t wait for me to get dressed and I just remember feeling incredibly stressed and rushed running around my arms completely overflowing with personal effects. When I finally exit the building I see the car waiting and hop into the passenger side. The car is running but Sam is no where to be seen. Then all of a sudden the car starts to roll and pick up speed. I can’t seem to untangle myself from the mountain of personal effects I am holding to get to the steering wheel/breaks and then BAM. I remember the front of the car crumpling up and the air bag and just this suffocating panic. I have never been in anything that would really constitute a car accident but I dream about them a lot. Maybe because when I was a kid my mom got into a very serious one on the way to pick me up and I remember her green and purple swollen toothless face so vividly. Stressed much? More like frantic I guess but I don’t why. No one is pushing me to do or be anything, there’s only me and my own outrageous expectations which I know are outrageous. I try to counter my obsessive thinking with balanced actions but the feelings don’t go away.

I did yoga today for about 1 hour, followed by 10 minutes in corpse pose.

The routine came from the first yoga book I ever owned The Sivananda Companion to Yoga. Aside from yoga I have been trying to get some cleaning done. Sam has been helping out but we’ve kept it pretty basic (no dirty dishes stuff like that).

My Unmentionables

Those reading my poetry blog may have noticed a decline in the quality of my work.

As you may or may not know I have started class again but I have changed schools. I liked my classmates in my previous school. The classmates in my new school seem nice and a few of them have attempted to reach out to me. I would like to say I have reached back and am well on my way to making friends but unfortunately that’s not the case. I am overwhelmed by all the newness and by issues in my personal life. I have been feeling very disconnected lately and can hardly carry on a conversation.

So what has me so distracted these days? Well I have recently told my mom about being molested. She believed me. She also confronted my dad, just as I knew she would. He was in bad condition, living in filth, and drunk. He denied it outright but added sharply that if he did anything he was probably drunk. He approached her then (I am not sure in what manner she would not say) but she ran out of the house. He hasn’t changed. He is still a monster. He is still my father (by blood only). I am bothered that my dad is far from the only monster in my family tree. I am bothered that when looking at arrests in my hometown 400 of them are family members. It’s not even a big city. I am bothered that I grew up in a carnival of malevolence.

Part 2. When my mom was pregnant (aside from working the whole time because my dad was an unemployed alcoholic) my grandma tried to kill her/us. I feel some sense of betrayal because I loved my grandma so much. Granted she hadn’t met me when she attempted to purge the demon’s spawn but still it makes me think all sorts of stupid things. Like maybe she only used me to get at my mom, to turn me against her in retaliation (she was vindictive and held grudges for life). I would like to think she genuinely loved me, that she regretted the whole attempted murder thing when she met me. I like to think she came to realize that I wasn’t a demon spawn but a person. I realize that even if I was just part of a revenge scheme that I loved her and she did give me comfort and sometimes weirdly stability (despite being very unstable). I perceived her as loving me as well despite some serious control issues and mood swings. Is a person who would kill their pregnant daughter capable of love? I don’t know. It may not matter because I loved her enough for two people but it breaks my heart a little.

Extreme Naps

Sam found a trauma specialist, she is a private practitioner and I’ve been there twice. I admit I have agonized over the cost because I do not have an income aside from my book sales. I haven’t sold many books. All I want to do is write, writing is not profitable at least not the way I am going about it. I have entertained the possibility of teaching a creative writing class but I have no idea what kind of credentials I would need since I don’t have anything to recommend me. I also love inspiring people. Speaking of writing I have selected all 100 poems for the new book. I have to read through them before I send them off for editing. I am proud of what I have written, not because it is exceptional, but because I have written what I wanted most to write.

The room is different. The new therapist has a room full of instruments and art supplies. She even has a xylophone and I am a natural xylophonist according to a middle school music teacher. Oddly the only instrument I can play is one I have only played once and I assure you that was a fluke.

She seems nice. I always say that because everyone is nice when I do not know them well enough to have an opinion. She seems kooky, I like kooky. I have not told her much about my trauma yet. We are working on building trust. She gave me some questionnaires about PTSD and Dissociation. No surprise that I suffer from both. I rank very high on the dissociation scale. That’s not surprising but it is scary. One of my biggest fears is developing DID. The type of trauma I have is more or less a recipe for its construction. I have always bottled up my emotions. Pushed them down by either bulldozing through (staying busy) or by simply disappearing. When no one is around I let them out but there never seems to be an end. I really do think I could cry forever. I am afraid that when I can’t “hide” I may “fracture”. I don’t like the idea of someone else using my body, fucking up my shit, messing with my loved ones. Right now I don’t seem to be anyone when I am dissociated at least not generally. Generally I am just offline, like a mannequin that walks ferociously if highly agitated. The walking thing is kind of concerning because I do get lost and a body without a brain can get into trouble.

The last two days I have been extremely depressed. Working on the book keeps me going and Sam’s love and support keep me “alive” but I am in a very dark place at the moment (Sam is sweet he came home early with flowers and sweets when I told him I was sad and he picked me up from therapy for a cuddle). I am just really sad, weepy, guilty, irritable. I imagine that is the therapy at work, there is no way to escape that part, it is part of the healing process. I am not good with emotional disclosure. My body is vicious at the moment, a lot of pain, pain is how I cope with stress apparently. Not how I want to cope with it but when I get stressed my muscles get so tight that they pull my joints out of place and tear themselves.

Speaking of pain. My appointment was early this morning and I could not get Isadora to cooperate and get ready for school. I had to take a shower and it is a 30 minute walk to the therapist. It was also raining a bit. Well I had to run part way but the graceful creature that I am, I tripped over my own pants. My pants are always too long and my boot got caught in the cuff anyways I went down face first and I went down hard. Somehow in the fall I pivoted my hips to avoid my knees and turned my head to save my nose. I took the impact on my left calf and left wrist I landed in some weird pushup and kept my weight up so my breasts didn’t get smashed (I think reacted as I do to my HIIT training). I have a bruise on my calf but it was my left wrist that took most of my body weight. Nothing is broken I have bones like rubber bands. If I don’t break anything jumping out of a car at 25 miles an hour, falling off roofs, or rolling down countless flights of stairs I am probably not going to break myself falling on the sidewalk. Oddly no one noticed they all seemed to be looking somewhere else when I decided to plow the pavement. I think I sprained my pinky though it bends of course but it is sore. I might have also slept on it wrong because it didn’t hurt at all until I got up from my nap (which was several hours after my accident). I often injure myself in sleep. It would be funny if I took a fall that hard and then hurt myself during a nap.

I Don’t Know How To Therapy

I had a session with my therapist the other day. So far I feel the sessions are lacking. I am already skilled in the art of monologue (I am not unlike Spiderman in that way). But seriously I need something more intensive than psychoanalysis. I hate sitting there talking at someone and receiving no feedback whatsoever. Where are the thought-provoking questions? Where are the hands on activities? Where is the objective perspective? There is just me in a room doing what I always do except I am doing it with a bystander who is practically catatonic. Well to be fair I did make her laugh out loud which is probably not right either. I really don’t know how to therapy.

I received an appointment in the mail for November 6th. I thought, finally, she’s arranged for a psychological evaluation so we can see what’s going on but no it seems that’s not the case at all. I have been scheduled to see the doctor to discuss medication yet again. I have already told her that I will not take medication until we have a better understanding of my condition, it’s like going to the doctor and receiving radiation therapy before the appointment in hopes that it’ll fix whatever ails you. The prescribing of bogus drugs at random discredits the psychiatrist in my opinion.

I am moving, as many of you know, and my therapist said I would be in a new district and thought I might want to change therapists. I responded that I will be coming into town for Swedish lessons and so there is no need. She said we’d talk about it later. Later in the same session she revealed that the township I will be moving to doesn’t have any therapists (none of the surrounding areas either) and therefore if I wanted to continue therapy I would have to commute into the city. If that’s the case why would I switch therapists? I questioned her but she said we’d talk about it later. I believe she has already decided to make the switch because a substantial portion of the conversation would have been irrelevant otherwise. Unless she is saying that people living in the country are not eligible for therapy but that hardly seems legal/logical. Maybe she is considering retirement? If that’s the case why not say so? I wouldn’t have taken that personally unless of course she told me I was the cause. I believe she is in her 70s so retirement would not seem unreasonable and I would understand that completely and with no hard feelings. What I do not understand is a round about way of talking. I also considered the possibility that she thought I might wish to discontinue because of the distance (Swedes don’t like long car rides I really can’t exaggerate that point enough) but then asking me if I wanted to switch doesn’t make sense because apparently I don’t have any local options. I am probably over-thinking this but I couldn’t really make any sense of it.

Part of the reason I am in therapy is because I don’t understand social cues. How on earth am I supposed to understand someone who employs both a social and professional veneer? It would be so much easier if she just spoke plainly. Do you plan to discontinue therapy when you move or are you willing to commute? If you are willing to commute how often would you like to meet up? Something along those lines. If I then asked about therapy options in my area she might have informed me that unfortunately there are no therapists in my immediate vicinity. This may well be what she meant to say but there was a lot of fillers and extraneous bits attached. This is why I need days between all my conversations so I can decipher what the person was trying to say lol If only I could pause and process as needed! I know there is a technique called summarizing where by I repeat what I believe the person has said to make sure that I have understood them but unfortunately I kind of suck at it. I am also defensive not around everyone but with authority figures I have trust issues and so in the moment my emotions sometimes distort meanings/intentions.

If you told your life story everyday for a year to a complete stranger and then those strangers got together to discuss you, they’d all have a different version to present. When I am in therapy I always feel like a liar even if I am presenting the truth to the best of my current awareness. I am unfortunately influenced by my moods.  I think it comes in part from the disparity between stories growing up my mom insisted my dad was a good man and that my childhood was good. I kept on giving my dad chances looking for that good side. I kept on thinking I was at fault because I seemed to be drawing out the bad side in my parents. Sometimes I even thought I was imaging or exaggerating the abuse since neither of my parents were willing to acknowledge or accept responsibility. I keep trying to be more and more honest but I still feel like a liar, like a hysteric. Doctors/therapists are a particularly suspicious lot (I mean their job is to look for inconsistencies) so around them I act especially guilty.

The other thing that disturbs me is that I can’t find a therapist equipped to deal with trauma. When I started therapy I figured that my story was one they would have heard before and then some. Yet every time I open up about my childhood I am met with a very traumatized therapist (which makes me hold back). I think I need someone who specializes specifically in trauma. Sam has a coworker and his wife works with traumatized children he’s going to ask if she knows anyone who works with adults.

To Curve or Swerve (a day in my life)

Generally speaking when people ask me about my day I cringe internally. I tend to be open with my feelings but for some reason talking about my day to day is a challenge. Since I have started therapy it has become increasingly important that I learn how to retrace my steps so to speak.

So here goes a boring day in the life of yours truly

6:00 am I woke up refreshed (no seriously I woke up in an unintelligible stupor tripping over imaginary tea kettles)

I post to my blog first thing after getting dressed drinking a full glass of water and taking my birth control pills 😛

Yoga for 30 minutes

Prepared breakfast for me and Isadora

I had two slices of herby bread with Italian cheese baked into the crust with a little bit of butter (I am not big on butter) and fat slices of seasoned tomato, an orange

Cleaned up after breakfast

Brushed my teeth (made sure Isadora brushed her teeth properly)

Then it’s on to the serious workout

I did this one today (full dying toward the end)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp0bx39EGeY

Then I had a shower and changed clothes

At some point in the morning I read some posts

Went to Stadium Outlet with everyone to get some socks for me and Isadora. Looked at bathing suits for her (I would never dare I hate shopping for bathing suits!) but they never have her size =(

Went to the grocery store (I might want to slow down lest you get overstimulated :-P)

Came home put on some laundry while Sam made (heated lunch) I get super hungry by 11 am like can’t even think hungry. I had some sort of tortellini with vegetables and a tomato sauce. A slice of apple cake for dessert yum

I think I did more email and more laundry

Weeded Isadora’s clothes

Took out the recyclables with Isadora’s help

I talked to my mom on Skye!

Did more laundry and more emails

Set up my prompt

Played some type of alphabet game with Isadora

Explained to Isadora that our ordinary fan is not sucking up all the cold air from outside and making it hot (she didn’t believe me)

Gave Isadora an early bath because she was out in the yard running around and was just really sweaty

Watched a live action with Sam

Wrote my poem for the day =)

Found out I have to get my ID renewed =( Is absolutely terrified!

Ate dinner Sam made tonkatsu which is like a Japanese breaded pork with a sauce, rice and peas (it was delicious)

I am technically on a diet admittedly it’s a vanity diet since I am not overweight just over my normal weight. I didn’t eat very healthy though did I lol Whenever I go on a diet Sam gets in the mood to cook. He is probably going to make a peach cobbler with ice cream tomorrow which I will eat to support him haha Whenever I go on a diet I notice he starts feeding me. Why are you measuring that rice, eat another bite, have some pie. I think he likes my curves. I never like to take full body photos because they get into weird hands. Like I asked a question on 4 chan about hair and someone posted a picture of me talking about my amazing boobs (their words not mine). I am too shy to be curvy.

And here are some old pictures of me and Sam. Look how cute he is its insane!

CandiceStare

I do have a lazy eye but I am also looking at multiple things lol I used to have great skin! My hair is dyed in this.

Sam

Proof

To avoid a lengthy summary of my situation please refer to this post

 

Some time in February I went to visit the Neurologist an experience I wrote about in the above post. I expressed very little about my experience with Dr. S as I was, at the time, extremely emotional. When I went into the meeting I was under the impression that I was meeting with my new Neurologist. I was excited and hopeful that I was going to get answers and treatment options, something Dr G had not provided. I had no idea that I was stepping into an ambush but that is exactly what it was an ambush.

 

Dr. S was extremely condescending and accusatory. When I explained the mix up to her in detail and with the collaboration of my husband she flat out told me that I have memory and mental health issues and thus I cannot expect anyone to trust my version of the story. She also indicated that I should not trust my own experience given my issues. I walked out of that appointment in tears. I cried for days afterwards. Sam wanted to report Dr. G for gross incompetence but I told him without written proof we don’t have a case. I am a terrible record keeper and tend to delete and dispose without much consideration so I figured even if we did scour our records the likelihood of finding something to corroborate our side of the story was unlikely. I wanted to move forward with treatment for PNES and put everything behind me. The experience was horrible and it severely damaged my trust in the health care system. Worse than that the experience has caused me to second guess myself to an unhealthy and debilitating degree.

 

I have been doing extensive spring cleaning over the last few weeks and today I decided to tackle some of our paperwork a task I have been dreading for years! Today I found proof a certified letter from Dr. R stating that I have Epilepsy. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Why is it so important? Because it validates and corroborates what I’ve been telling Dr. G all along. Dr. R told me on numerous occasions that I had Epilepsy but Dr. G and Dr. S insisted so much that I was lying that I had started to believe I’d brainwashed myself and all my friends and family besides.  I needed to see written proof. No I don’t plan to pursue legal action because I want nothing at all to do with any of the doctors involved. No I don’t plan to find a new Neurologist for treatment of Epilepsy I am still proceeding with this being psychological in origin. I doubt the competence of every doctor involved but the facts remain that medication was not effective so I have no choice but to take an alternate route.

 

I received an unsettling letter in the mail recently asking why I wanted to discontinue counseling services. I emailed my therapist promptly telling her I had no such intentions. I asked her why she thought I wanted to discontinue and it appears that when Dr. S discontinued my services that she attempted to discontinue more than just my Neurology services. Am I pissed off? You bet but I have a feeling if I attempt to contact Dr. G or Dr. S in any form they would just make a mess of everything. I do wonder if I need to find a new therapist as this one has been in contact with Dr. S and Dr. G and has already been confused. I fear I might not be able to straiten the situation out properly and establish a trusting relationship.

 

Now for some advice

 

Save everything from your doctor

Ask for copies of all your tests and records and keep them

Record conversations/appointments especially if your are suffering from any memory or mental health issues because they will dispute everything you say