Update (long)


It has been a while since I have last updated you guys. I have also been incredibly inconsistent about writing/posting poetry. I don’t have any excuses so I am just going to jump in with the update.

My internship at the factory has been extended to the end of April. I really like my immediate boss aka the woman I work with everyday who tells me what to do haha. She is animated and funny. She is patient. And even when there is a rush on an order she never takes that stress out on me. I would love to work there if it meant I could continue to work with her. During my evaluation she was very positive. She is all for my internship becoming a job but I am still not sure if that is possible. While I don’t fully understand the reasons I think it boils down…

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Workout 2

Where do I even begin? I have another full length workout for you. I slept poorly last night (traumatic nightmares) and I was, as you will see, a little out of it. My workout is actually on that piece of paper I am straining to see, I just used the workout video in the background as a timer. I messed up a couple of times. I left out some skips which I had to add back later. I feel like you can see pretty well from this angle (not perfectly because I am still headless when standing). If I ever teach workouts I will have to move to a larger room so I can get a full shot. I am not exactly sure how my webcam is going to do with voice recording if I ever talk, I have a feeling the voice quality is going to be an issue.

Why am I doing this?

As I mentioned before I had a traumatic childhood. As a result of that trauma I developed PTSD, Body Dysmorphia, and Dissociative Disorder. I hate being watched. Being watched is paralyzing. In school I had a very difficult time in performance subjects like music and gym. I am that adult who stops breathing or hyperventilates when people so much as glance in my general direction. I am that adult whose work slows to a crawl when her boss is in the same room. I am that adult who can’t pour drinks or cut cakes at parties because of her extreme clumsiness. I don’t just change my behavior when being observed I become hopelessly, irrationally incompetent. So the camera thing is in part to help me connect mind and body and in part to help me desensitize myself to observation.

Now I know this is going to sound crazy because it is crazy but I believe that photographs are partially sentient. I don’t believe this intellectually but somewhere in my mind the concept exists because I can’t have photos anywhere near me or else I start conversing with them. I also don’t like when the camera is pointed at me even if no one is behind it. I know when I make these films that I don’t have to post them. I also know that unless I tell you about them you have no idea that I have even made them. That gives me some sense of control. I do think this desensitization process is working because the other day when I did chair pose I was actually breathing. I also care less about fat rolls because honestly a week ago I wouldn’t have posted this in light of my flabbiness. I have some loose skin in the lower abs from pregnancy and because of the scarring it doesn’t fully tighten. I want to get to a place of self-acceptance. I want to be able to go swimming. I love swimming but I never go because I don’t want to be seen in a swimsuit. When I was an overweight preteen a classmate took some video footage of a headless me in a swimsuit (we were at the pool for a class trip). As the image was headless my identity was hidden but for years they would play that video back and make fun of the hideous, headless fat girl. I was that hideous, headless fat girl. The girl who took the footage was not trying to be mean, she was just filming the class trip (I actually think she edited out my face). I doubt it even occurred to her the negative impact that video was going to have on my self-esteem. At that age a lot of the girls had 6 packs and flat abs so I felt like a whale. I still feel like that same girl though, like I have not changed at all.

Lastly I want others like me. Clumsy types. Shy types. Mid-weight body-types. To feel good about themselves. Right now we are flooded with extremes. The media likes ultra slim girls with chiseled abs. The media likes vivacious, curvaceous plus-sized models. That is fine of course but us regular girls seem to have no place anymore. As a regular girl people criticize me for being too fat and being too thin! Sometimes in the same day! Society seems to have forgotten what us people in the middle look like. There is no good enough for society. There is no just right as far as society is concerned. Societies idea of healthy is not only unattainable but dangerous.

I also did this little ab workout because my other workout was a little shorter than expected. I look terrible in this yikes. The first exercise I did was new to me so I got a little confused.

Leg Raises

I have been thinking about doing this for a while but I am hideously uncomfortable with my own body. I am working with this issue in therapy but every time I film or photograph myself the results are so depressing. I always look at these things and think damn I need to lose 40 lbs (if I actually did that though I’d be a skeleton). I have to get used to being viewed if I am ever going to apply as a fitness instructor. In this case the camera is below me which is supposedly bad but I have no idea how I would get my lap top above me. The hat rack maybe? The lighting is bad but this is my only set of stairs and I don’t own camera lighting. Anyway I would like to film an exercise a day but knowing me that isn’t going to happen!

I don’t own a pull up bar so I had to use the stairs. This exercise is easier when you have a pull up bar because it is easier to get a solid grip. The stairs are slick and I am basically holding a lot of my weight in my fingertips. I haven’t shown you my fingers but they are kind of bendy/floppy so maybe this will help my grip haha My legs can only come up as far as the stairs, basically 90 degrees. You don’t have to do this with your legs strait, you can draw up your bent knees as well. I just got off of work (I changed) in this and it was a long tough day. I missed last week because of illness and it was absolutely filthy. For those of you who don’t know I clean an auto shop and there is a surprising amount of heavy-lifting involved so I am knackered. Also breathe when you do this, I was too nervous to breathe.

Time for Failure

I just wanted to share something with you that I have been thinking about. My thoughts are jumbled so bare with me. I do HIIT regularly, the intervals in HIIT are generally between 20-50 seconds. I prefer a 30 second interval, longer intervals are harder to pace. High repetitions and long intervals can also lead to sloppiness. I lose focus and before I know it I have smashed the weight into my knee (really I have the bruises to prove it!).

When I am doing an interval I want to complete the interval from the first beep to the last beep in good form. My drive for “perfection” often discourages me from taking on the most challenging version of an exercise. For example if I have a 50 second interval and the exercise is pushups I am likely to do them on my knees because I know that I can complete the interval “perfectly”. The problem is that with exercise the whole point is failure. Unless you fail you are not going to get stronger. Without failure there is no success. I hate nothing more than to be doing an exercise and to just collapse, it makes me feel weak. I hate when I have to take a pause to catch my breath. I hate when I have to take a pause because my arms are wobbly and uncooperative. I hate the idea of doing 20 seconds of full push ups in an interval that was meant to be 30 seconds. I hate dropping to my knees when I can’t squeeze out one more full push up. I don’t like stumbling and overly complicated exercises. I am a type A personality and guess what I hate that too.

Tidy routines are essentially maintenance routines. I have to fail again and again in order to get stronger. One of the reasons I hate running is because other people might hear my labored breathing as I pass. I am very self-conscious about being human. For many years I could not bring myself to sweat. I would essentially not drink to avoid sweating too much. I have gotten passed that hurdle. I sweat now, at least in the privacy of my own home.

In the privacy of my yoga room I have started to push myself harder, sometimes I even laugh when I fall on my face because I couldn’t do that 1-handed pushup. Sometimes I discover that I have more in me than I thought. My goal is not to become an athlete. I don’t want a 6 pack. I don’t want to be hard and chiseled. I don’t want 10% bodyfat which would compromise my health. My bodyfat goal is 19% but since I have no way of assessing bodyfat I am just going to have to eyeball it lol. Also as long as my bodyfat is in the healthy range everything else is just vanity. Based on this image I would say I was probably 23%, maybe 24% bodyfat it is a little hard to judge because I can’t see their thighs.

Anyway that was off topic. I believe that you can’t succeed without failure, applies to life as well. Life is messy. We are meant to fuck up. Fuck the self-improvement movement. Watch this talk instead and enjoy your imperfect and utterly ridiculous life.


I actually have a lot more to say but since it is a different topic I thought I ought to wait till another post.

Parenting Dilemmas

There are a lot of kids living in my neighborhood and my daughter being the social entity that she is knows most of them. She adapts quickly to new social situations. Recently she was promoted in English (she has been moved up a grade and into a special class for students who have English as their 2nd language). She loves her new class and is already comfortable with her new classmates, in fact she was the one who ultimately decided to accept the promotion (it was optional). She is always very excited for English, she also really likes swim class, woodworking, and math. She usually can’t wait to go to school but she has had some problems lately. She is friends with a brother and sister. The boy who will call Jacob is also in the 2nd grade. The girl who will call Destiny is a year older. She plays with them both regularly. Jacob is very loud and rowdy. Generally, they get on very well together but the other day during recess he hit her for no apparent reason other than he was having a bad day. According to my daughter he’d been angry all day, not at her, but just generally in a bad mood. She didn’t take it personally and quickly forgave him after he apologized. Despite what happened she still went to school the next day excited about one of her favorite classes. The very next day they were playing together again and he hit her this time giving her a bloody nose and again there didn’t seem to be any particular reason for the outburst. Destiny brought her home and hubbie decided to have a chat with the parents. When relaying the story to his parents Jacob attempted to put the blame on my daughter but Destiny quickly called him on the lie and came to her defense. I am not exactly sure what to do. Destiny has been a good friend and hasn’t done anything wrong so I want the girls to be able to get together but at the moment my daughter doesn’t really want to play with Jacob. I have said Destiny can come over and play without Jacob at our house but I do not know if that will exacerbate the problem since he is likely to feel left out. While I am certain my daughter will forgive him soon, I do not feel good about the whole thing. Hitting is not okay. We talk all the time about what it means to be a good friend. She didn’t hit him back according to the teacher or the girls who were present during the other altercation. She didn’t really respond the first time because he ran away directly after to avoid confrontation with the teacher. The 2nd time she said she didn’t want to hang out anymore because of the hitting. When he came by after the 2nd altercation to apologize she seemed a bit stressed and a bit forced in her friendliness. She left for school this morning again with no complaints though she did express anxiety last night that he might hit her again. I really hope that she has a good day, without any stress. I don’t want to mislead you into thinking my child is a perfect angel (she isn’t, she is very emotional, stubborn, and at times bossy) though in the recent incidents there is no evidence that she has been bullying or harassing him in anyway. She told me that Jacob has a hard time expressing his feelings with words, but that she does not think it is okay for him to take his frustrations out on her. At the moment she seems to be keeping things in perspective but I know she is feeling pretty anxious.

Who ate my hat?

I might not become famous. I think it rather unlikely given my approach to life and my irredeemable tendency to waver over every significant decision. I accept that writing is my gift and though my gift is a modest one, it is nevertheless the gift I am designed to give. I couldn’t live without writing that’s certain but I am also not certain that I could survive life as a full-time writer. Before I am a writer, I am a romantic. For me family is first and so writing 14 hours a day in utter seclusion just does not work. I want to be healthy, I want to love deeply, I want to see my daughter grow up. And I even want 8 hours of sleep every night because without it I am stark raving mad and that is no exaggeration (I am literally nonfunctional laughing and crying/hysterically in a world all by myself). That said I will continue writing daily and I will publish more books (hopefully at a better pace than I have going now) but I am looking into part-time work. Ideally, I want to work in the library so I can be around books and so I can stock the shelves with books I am passionate about muahaha. I feel I need this experience, that I need to develop independence and confidence or else I can’t possibly succeed at writing even if I did later decide on that full-time.

So what did I get for my birthday?

Sam’s parents gave me cash which I used to buy chairs for our dining room. We never have enough chairs when the family is over and since we may be hosting Christmas this year I don’t want to have people sitting on step stools and the like. I still need to find a 2nd hair chair for my desk, yes I want a 2nd hand one because they have more character.

Sam’s sister got me a gift card to my favorite store and a plant.

Sam’s friend at work whom I have met a few times bought me pens, this particular make of pen has been used by several famous writers.

Sam bought me two dictionaries filled with insults and vulgarities from the 1800s!

A journal

A set of Blackwing pencils plus extra erasers and a pencil sharpener. Blackwing is also used by famous writers and other creative sorts.

I also got some colorful cute socks and chocolate

Prior to my b-day hubbie bought me a pair of Yellow Cab leather boots. I wear boots fall, winter, a good portion of spring, and in the summer when I can get away with it. I only ever change to wear sandals in the summer and running shoes when I am being sporty or intend to do a lot of walking. I even wear boots when I dress up instead of whatever else ladies’ wear.

exactly like this pair


Sick? Pregnant? Crazy?

I am in a state right now. About 2 weeks ago everyone had perfectly ordinary colds from which we recovered. Life resumed. A few days ago I was sitting upstairs with the family, I had a headache and hubbie asked me where I had gotten that rash on my face. The rash appeared out of nowhere, it looked like a rash not a blush, and then it disappeared pretty shortly after. That was a couple of days ago and possibly insignificant. I went to bed maybe it was that night or the next and I woke up with intense pain in my right knee. I struggled for a while to get the leg strait and then sat up in bed. I sat for a while before slowly getting up, testing if the knee was okay. Just as I was entering the bathroom I got hit with a wave of intense dizziness and nausea. I told hubbie and he asked if I was pregnant j/k. As weird as it sounds those were my symptoms when I got pregnant with my daughter. I woke up with intense pain in the knee, had to be carried to the bathroom, got dizzy and nauseous and then passed out. At that time I was also told that I had Hypothyroidism so I was never really sure which condition caused the bizarre symptoms. My thyroid fluctuates. Last time I had it checked a few months ago it was high but it hadn’t quite gotten to medication range. Anyhow the pain is now in both knees and in my mid/upper back. I have had the pain for about 3 days now. I started with meds yesterday for pain relief and it does help some but they only last about 3 hours. I take meds before bed but they wear off and I am unable to get back to sleep so I am exhausted. I am also peeing a lot. Like I need to get up 3 times a night and whenever I have peed this much in the past it has always meant I have an infection. I am not sure if I should go to the doctor or not. I don’t have a thermometer so I do not know if I have a fever, only that I am cold even when no one else is cold. Pregnancy is somewhat unlikely because I take birth control to stop my periods. The last time I was at the doctors she said my ovary had recently been active. I am having some trouble getting my ovaries to shut down and stay dormant so it is not impossible but it seems pretty unlikely given that I had a LEEP procedure recently and have continued taking birth control. Even if I got pregnant right before, wouldn’t the surgery have effected it? I have only recently been able to resume sexual activities so I think it would be too early to tell if I had just gotten pregnant and my ovaries do not seem to be working at the moment anyway. Since I don’t have a period I have no way to tell if I miss one. That said the thyroid sounds more plausible or maybe it is just some type of infection. When I had pneumonia I also had this level of pain in the body, only I do not have the lung/chest pain. I have noticed some cold symptoms today though so it may be that the pain is from an oncoming flu or that I never actually fully recovered from the first cold. Ugh I don’t know. Oh yeah and my breasts are full of cysts and hurt like hell because why not?

Feeling Blue and Green

I woke up this morning with an intense case of nausea and no appetite (which never happens). I am also depressed. I have lost confidence in my writing (again I go through my ups and downs same as any writer). Everything I write lately bombs and friends seem to be vanishing left and right. What disturbs me most is that I cannot determine the cause. Boring? Cliche? Grammatically flawed? Detached? Insensitive? Lack of reciprocation? Where’s my objectivity? Is what I am producing now so different in quality? Or is it not different enough? (Don’t answer yet)

I firmly believe “talent is a pursued interest” but my rate of development is painfully slow. I am tired of being mentally ill, just thought I’d throw that out there because it is damn annoying to be average but not have the stability or capacity to perform as such. I am tired of waking up everyday and feeling: guilty. Guilty and grumpy comprise 95% of my moods am I really so unstable? 😛 Now I am smiling because I realize I am sitting here, a full grown woman having a tantrum. I love to watch Star Trek but I am so damn tired of dreaming about Star Trek, seriously it’s that thought-provoking. Where are my superhuman abilities? As a side note I do have something really eating me up that I can’t talk about in a public forum but it’s there and it hurts.

1000 Squat Challenge

I took on this 1000 squat challenge today. When I first got the idea I decided to give myself a bit of a mental health evaluation to see if I hadn’t lost my mind. A loose screw perhaps? A faulty wire? A sudden penchant for S&M, with an indeterminable preference? I decided I was crazy but that I might as well give it go. I had no idea at all how many squats I could do, so that was my goal, to find out. At 600 I had to pause and take Isadora to school. On the walk I realized my legs were a little disillusioned with the whole notion of coordinated movement so I preceded to waddle my way to the schoolyard. When I got back I thought lets finish that video. Froggers were first up and they were hard (definitely the hardest)! I am not that flexible or coordinated so this one was a little slower going and I wasn’t counting at that point because I can’t count while swearing so I am not 100 percent sure how many I did but I didn’t stop. I did, however, start my squat challenge prematurely and probably squeezed in 10 before the official start so I might have compensated. I did the one legged squats (ouch!) and I counted them so I know I squeezed them all in. Prisoner squats went by without any incidents or expletives. The last squat was the roll up squat but I have inner ear issues that result in vertigo so I did 100 regular squats again to avoid any mishaps. I can’t believe I made it through that challenge (not perfectly but I am still pleased), I am okay right now (wonky but okay) tomorrow I suspect I’ll be crippled (the idea of sitting down/standing up fills me with dread).


Let me know if any of you guys give this a go and if you do which squats did you find the toughest?

Shake it off

download (1)download (2)

I decided to take some images so you can see the body I am so embarrassed about because it is just ridiculous for me to be so afraid of what in reality is just an average form. I realized when I was out swimming how little others care about what I look like in fact no one looked at me except for a couple of kids and they were just happy to be alive. Anyhow I had some unexpected difficulties taking these photos. I can’t zoom out my webcam and my apartment is small so I couldn’t get a full body shot. The second problem was just plan funny. It was actually very hard to find filters where I wasn’t basically invisible because I am so pale lol When I think about it probably no one can see me in high sunlight lol Originally I hadn’t planned to show my stomach but the tank I was wearing was white and again it blended right in, so I actually looked strait up naked in a barbie doll sort of way. So I switched to a black top but that blended in with other furnishings so I lifted up the top hoping that black white contrast would show that there was in fact a human being in the photos. No wonder the people I was swimming with freaked out whenever I wasn’t in the shade they couldn’t find me lol My right leg I am on my toe (lightly) and my left I am flat-footed. It looks sort of strange at the ankle because my socks are pink which is also apparently nearly the color of my amazing chameleon skin. Being so fair you can’t definition easily either which plan sucks.

I put most of my weight in my thighs. I could strangle a bear with my legs which is probably why I have never been approached by any bears. Currently my waist is pretty strait not much of a curve going on yet but “finger crossed”. I have a somewhat hard time believing I have put on 20 lbs because while I want to lose a few I think I must have looked unwell 20 lbs ago. I am short so 20 lbs is a lot of weight. That weird thing under my arm is actually my head hair (I have curly fluffy hair as you know), so not like massive arm pit hair! I do shave I promise!

On a completely different note I dropped of my registration form for school and tomorrow Sam and I are looking at 2 houses. So wish me luck!