I have written 15 workouts so far. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I have done a tremendous amount of work on the other I have to do the same amount of work again if not more. I am too tired to even contemplate a run through or a sneak peak at the moment.
I went to the doctor today to have my moles looked at. Just a general check there was nothing particular about any of them. I have never had my moles looked at before but I read recently that faired-skinned people with freckles and reddish hair have a 50% chance of getting skin cancer. I definitely tick all the boxes for the high-risk category. I wear sunscreen and avoid peak hours whenever possible but still it just seemed responsible somehow. He said they all looked fine and asked me if I wanted to remove one on my back. Most of my moles are pretty small and inconspicuous but I did have a surface mole on my back that was larger. I have always hated this mole because its ugly and it is prone to accidents so naturally I said yes! The process was very easy actually and took no time at all. He gave me local anesthetic which felt like a small needle going into the skin no big deal. I didn’t feel anything when he removed the mole and it only took a few seconds. I do, however, feel a bit queasy from the anesthetic.
After my appointment I decided to get lunch because I was hungry and figured it might help things settle. I had a vegetarian lasagna at a cute little cafe and it was delicious! I never think about eating alone until hours after the fact. When I am in the restaurant I am hungry and nothing else seems to register to my brain, I don’t even see the other customers. I probably wouldn’t even see them if they sat down and had a conversation with me. I know some people hate eating alone and they would never do so in public but eating alone is well eating and I love eating lol
Tides of Numenera arrived in the mail yesterday. I have been waiting for 3 years and now it is here! I have played the Beta but still this is very exciting news for me, who seems to be in desperate need of a nap. The mailman managed to fit this rather large package into our mailbox. I spend quite a lot of time trying to figure out how to remove packages from our mailbox, packages that are very nearly the same size as the mailbox itself. We have a standard Swedish mailbox the type you see outside of the city but the mailman recently suggested to my husband that we should buy a larger mailbox. I can just see us with a mailbox the size of a refrigerator and our mailman carefully folding sofas into it.
I have been working on a project which is extremely time-consuming. When I changed my workout schedule I quickly realized how difficult it was to find workouts that focused on the back. So I designed 6 workouts for myself. A lot of research was involved. Anyhow then it came to my attention that my favorite free online HIIT trainer seems to be gradually moving toward a paid site. Unfortunately I can’t afford to purchase the workouts. She has a 30-Day program that I absolutely love but there is a good chance that the program will eventually be removed from Youtube and moved to the paysite. Anyhow the 30-Day program doesn’t have 30 workouts. There are rest days and there are a lot repeats at the end. I always found it quite sad that the end of the program just repeats the beginning. The program states that the workouts will become progressively harder and they do get harder until they start repeating. So I have decided to write 30 HIIT routines. Obviously I don’t plan to do 30 Days of strait HIIT, I only do HIIT twice a week but it’s the idea of the thing. Sam is making me an interval timer to use on my computer as well since I can’t afford a GymBoss. I realize there are interval timers free online but I know what I want specifically lol
I want the workouts to be between 30-50 minutes a piece. If I manage to write 30 routines myself then maybe I will film them. I am struggling with this concept a bit though because I don’t have proper filming equipment so the quality won’t be great. I am not even sure if the microphone on my camera is sufficient. I haven’t tried shooting a video with the camera. I am petrified of talking on camera that is the main thing that has been holding me back. Anyhow before I can ever consider making a video I have to write up the routines and then I have to do them to see if they have a good flow and if they are the right difficulty level.
So I am still alive. Still working out. Still trying to achieve a good balance. Scheduling has always been a bit of a nightmare for me really. I strive to get everything done by 3 pm and depending on whether I can accomplish that and if I have energy (mental and physical) to spare I might make dinner. I rarely make dinner to tell you the truth at least not the healthy from scratch dinners of my dreams. Why do I have to get everything done by 3pm? Brain death. My brain is encased in ever present fog. In the morning I am able to focus better. I have energy. My mood is generally more positive. By the end of the day the fog can be incredibly dense. My energy levels plummet. After dinner (around 5:30 pm) I am pretty much exhausted. Sometimes I have seizures at the end of the day. The Depression that I had been running from during the day catches up and whacks me over the head. Everyday is a race. Everyday I try to pack in whatever I can before my brain goes all mushy and wonky and unpleasant. Once Sam comes home around dinnertime what I need is a good long snuggle. I need comedy. I need to unwind otherwise I can’t, despite being utterly exhausted, sleep and if I can’t sleep I go fucking nuts. Like really certifiably nuts. I am sure there must be a better more normal way of coping but I have not figured out how to do it. Having such a tiny window of time to fit my life activities into is challenging and completely mad but so is life.
Once again I have decided to revamp my training schedule. Here is what I have come up with this time!
Though I have not included it I do 30 minutes of yoga every morning before breakfast. If I didn’t do this session I would be overwhelmed by body pain/stiffness (because I have PTSD and Dissociative Disorder I hold a lot of tension in my muscles, have a lot of nightmares, and position my body awkwardly and painfully when I sleep). It also helps with the Depression and honestly keeps the suicidal thoughts at bay. For me yoga is medicine.
I would like to do more Hiit because it’s fun but it just doesn’t work at the moment. Thursday I have 4 hours of intense physical activity at work so there is just no way. The other days of the week I work at the factory. Some days I am carrying boxes around. Some days I have to stand the entire time. Some jobs are more physically strenuous than others. I find I am usually quite tired when I get home. I also walk more since I have started working. Now that it is getting warmer I am also going to have to find some motivation for gardening! So in the end I am just not as sedentary as I used to be so the longer, more frequent Hiit workouts don’t make sense. Saturday’s Hiit I can manage a longer session but Tuesdays will have to be shorter preferably 30-40 minutes.
I am investigating the possibility of taking a yin yoga course on Sundays. The course is 75 minutes. If I am able to do it that would be 75 minutes plus my 30 minute morning yoga plus 30 minutes to 1 hour of lower body training. The yoga class is also squarely at dinner time. Which is sort of an issue because while I am very hungry around 5pm I tend to have no appetite after 6 pm (my body switches into that weird hibernation cycle I spoke about earlier). Still Sunday would be the only day that I could feasibly do it and I do love yoga. Also yin yoga is more relaxing than say Ashtanga Yoga. Maybe I could eat half my dinner before and half of it after? I have to see how much it costs. I also have to see if the hubster would drive me into town!
Monday- Back/Posture/Pilates/Ballet (I have Kyphosis and I figured I need to spend some extra time on strengthening my back and improving my posture.)
Wednesday- Upper Body
Thursday- Yoga (my cleaning job is just too exhausting to allow for any other type of workout)
I have 6 weeks of my new routine scheduled into my journal. I am excited to see how it goes! On another unpleasant, read with caution note I am having major digestive issues. I have found that I can’t take aspirin at all, it just ruins my stomach. I was sick with the flu a while ago and so I took some aspirin for the body pain and fever and it severely irritated my stomach lining (which caused excruciating pain) and gave me a nightmare case of diarrhea. 2 years ago when I took aspirin this happened as well. I am not even taking a particularly strong aspirin but it causes really intense stomach pain. The stomach issues can last for weeks after. Yesterday my stomach was so enlarged I looked to be 6 months pregnant. I don’t think it is at the level of internal bleeding but I think it would get to that level if I had taken more pills. So if anyone knows any natural fever reducers and pain killers for the next time I get the flu please let me know!
I have a cold. I am not the only one though both Sam and Isadora have colds as well. The last few days I have been sticking to yoga-type workouts. I have also been taking naps! Usually I don’t nap because it ruins my sleep. I have been sleeping heavily both during my naps and at night and I am still feeling exhausted! The cold part of the cold hasn’t been so bad actually very minimal congestion and runnage. It is mostly extreme fatigue, fever (very persistent), and body pain. For me the body pain is in the hips down to the knees and the thoracic spine. For Sam it seems to be all over particularly in the neck. His cold started with a migraine. Isadora’s also started with a headache. She doesn’t seem to have body pain though and has more congestion/leakage (not much fever either). I have had tension in my head but nothing I would call a headache. I am also ravenously hungry, for some reason whenever I get sick my body wants to gorge.
If spring fever is what I think it might be then I also have that (I have had it for several weeks now). I am so restless. I am itching for warm, sunny days. I am not really enjoying my usual hobbies or maybe it is more accurate to say that I can’t focus on them long enough to enjoy them. I have been reading A LOT because of the commute to work and the long wait for the bus. My eyes are exhausted as a result. That coupled with my desperation for the great outdoors has made writing very challenging. I have been meditating though, also pretty unfocused but I have managed some successful visualizations. I am working on building an internal sanctuary.
Oh and I got hair cut to shoulder length! Yes I finally got it cut. I am not sure how I felt about the actual hairdresser, there was no connection and there were some issues with communication. She also seemed uneasy about working with my hair (I am looking for someone who is confident and can offer suggestions.). I came in with a lot of hair. My hair was waist-length. Sam made the appointment for me using a phone app. The result, she was rushed on time because the standard slot was not sufficient. When I was there she answered the phone (I gathered that someone was trying to book an appointment) and she asked them with this really desperate voice while glancing over at me “Do you have super long, extremely thick hair?” I feel pretty bad about it because I think if they had known about my hair previously they would have given me a longer time slot. She thinned my hair so it wouldn’t be so big but it is still big. She didn’t have time to dry it so she never got to see the finished product so to speak.
I forgot how hysterically curly my hair can be when short but I appreciate the liveliness of having curls. My head definitely feels lighter and it so much better lying down without that knot at the base of my head from the ponytail I had to wear all the time. I was wearing my hair up most of the time when it was long because otherwise it was getting in the way too much (I couldn’t exercise, eat, work, or even ride on the bus because it would get caught in other people’s things). I even slept with it because my hair was reaching out and suffocating Sam during the night. I can still put it in a ponytail, it is short and chunky haha I wouldn’t say there is a lot of style to the cut though and I was hoping for a bit of style. I am pretty happy about having went through with it though because man I needed it. I am hoping the breakage will grow out better now. Long hair can be very beautiful but I just wasn’t managing it very well. I don’t really look older or younger!