Updates (long-winded)

This week could prove a challenge for me on many levels. Until Thursday my week is more or less the same as any other but from Thursday on the chaos starts. On Thursday when I would usually be heading into my cleaning job my caseworker has scheduled a job interview. For some inexplicable reason she schedules all meetings for my work hours. Since I work only 1 day a week and am otherwise available I have a hard time believing this is coincidental but at the same time it makes no sense for her to be doing it on purpose.

I am not really sure what the job entails. From what I gather I would be working in a plastics factory examining bits for flaws. I have a very cartoonish idea of working in a factory. I just imagine standing in front of a conveyor belt for hours on end placing the odd item into a box marked defective. Is this a thing? If I impress at the interview I could land an internship. The employer seems to be willing to let me work Monday Tuesday Wednesday and alternate Fridays so as not to interfere with therapy. That would cover all the hours I need and I could finally end my job search. The company is also within acceptable commuting distance. I just don’t know if I am qualified for the job or if it is something I would want to do day after day.

I am nervous not just about the interview but about going from being so disabled I couldn’t work to working part-time. That is a huge step and it will require readjusting my life (and my family’s life) in some ways. I am terrible with change (which is putting it euphemistically and mildly).

In some ways I am doing better but in others I am doing worse. My social anxiety has actually gotten significantly worse (it has been getting progressively worse for years). Aside from Sam and Isadora I am now speaking gibberish almost full-time. I simply cannot talk to people, I completely shut down mentally and physically. I still go outside sometimes (not as much as one should mind you) but I don’t interact anymore. I can’t answer the phone, just the sound of it sets me into a full blown panic attack. I dread when people talk to me at work but at the same time I care so little to talk to people that I prefer the awkward silence of not responding to the awkwardness of attempting to engage in conversation. Aside from saying hello I am more or less mute when I step outside of my house (well I do talk to myself). I am even struggling with my relatives (aside from Sam and Isadora). So my social anxiety is at an all time high and I am having panic attacks which I have been in denial about for years.

I am prone to normalization. So lets say I have a serious panic attack on Monday if you asked me on Friday how my week was I would say it went okay more or less. At most I might report some mild anxiety. I also normalize others. I was watching a documentary on Bipolar. My grandmother and mother both had/have it. I couldn’t remember the disorganized speech bit so I asked Sam since he also lived with them and he was just like are you kidding me??? They definitely did that but then again everyone I ever lived with has been seriously mentally ill (so far not Isadora) so I guess I just can’t tell. It also means, however, that I probably am not reporting everything to my therapist.

On Friday I have to go into work to make up for Thursday and I am worried there might be more customers.

Also on Friday we have a family dinner for my daughter’s birthday. So basically I need to get home eat, exercise, shower, clean, and help the hubster set up.

Saturday we will likely be setting up for the party on Sunday where Isadora will have her classmates over. I have no idea how many will actually show up but a house full of kids is very stressful. The party will be 2 hours and then I imagine a lot of cleaning.

Today I had an hour long workout but the rest of the week I have decided to go with short workouts because I just think it will fit better with all that is going on. I have decided to tailor my workouts more with my actual life. Before I just made the world stop for my workouts. I would even work out on days where I knew I had a lot of difficult physical tasks to do. The result? I became too sore and tired to be of much use. So while I do view my workouts as an integral part of my daily life I need to be a little more flexible about it. Next year when I paint the house, that will be counted as my exercise because that is going to be tough.

If you recall I had a recovery week and decided after that to readjust my workouts. Basically I was pushing my body so hard that I was breaking the muscles down and stalling my progress. I practice moderation in my diet so why not in my exercise routine? So far I haven’t put on any weight or gained any inches like I feared. I don’t want to go into any details about measures now because it is still early days with this and when you are dealing with the little numbers I am dealing with fluctuations are all too possible. What I mean is I don’t have a lot of weight to lose, not even 10 lbs so the figures are just so small.

What have I been doing lately? In my yoga I like to work on my weaknesses. If in a workout I notice I am not performing well at a certain move, I will build up the stabilizer muscles required to better execute that move. Lately I have been working on my thighs from every angle and you know it is helping! I also started working on my core flexibility. I have very low flexibility in my lower back and the muscles in my abs are so tight I can’t even perform cobra properly. I feel like the skin itself it going to split. Yesterday I actually managed Camel Pose for a brief spell. For years I could not do this move at all because it caused so much pain (the bad sort) and while it was challenging, it did not hurt. Progress. I have increased my hip flexibility as well and I am quite pleased with the results.

I think I have this week and next planned in a similar fashion but then I decided to go over to this style for bit and see how I do. There should be at least 2 days between every HIIT routine. I have been stressing and stressing about how to make that work in a 7 day week but then I realized it is better to look at the big picture. I might not be able to squeeze in 3 HIIT workouts into one week because of my schedule (my job on Thursday is very physical and I just can’t do HIIT that day) but if you think about it from a wider perspective I am still doing HIIT regularly. I also wanted to just weight train. I used to weight train quite a bit but when I discovered HIIT I started to neglect it. Not that you don’t work on your strength in HIIT but it’s not quite the same focus. I don’t have core days specifically because the Pilates day will certainly have core strength components. Also you can’t do HIIT without using your core and the yoga I do requires core strength as well.

Monday- Yoga

Tuesday- Hiit

Wednesday- Upper Body

Thursday- Yoga

Friday- Hiit

Saturday- Lower Body

Sunday- Pilates or similar

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