The cold is still in session and at this point I am afraid to comment lest I offend the universe further.
I did this workout video today. No modifications were needed. I was happy to try working with the Pilates’ bands. On another note and perhaps an important one. I am afraid of body changes good, bad, or neutral. Pregnancy was very scary for me actually I spent much of it sobbing hysterically in my closet. The changes taking place now are obviously a lot more subtle than those of pregnancy and while I am very excited at the moment I know I tend to freak out and sabotage myself. I worry about being too thin, too fat, too muscular, too flabby/soft, too curvy, too ruler-like.
I chose 120 lbs as my safe weight years ago, one for my height it technically is a healthy/balanced weight and two the lack of extremes in any direction made it less fear-inducing. I am not afraid of Sam’s body. Other people’s bodies make no difference to me shape or size they are all beautiful to me and I mean that. My own body, on the other hand, seems to freak me the fuck out, like I am wearing a person suit or something. It isn’t just vanity like concern over fat thighs or something, it feels more like Metamorphosis or something, like if you were to wake up as an insect or whatever you fear the most. I just don’t really understand why I am a human, I don’t think I am a human. Irrational? Yes!