Body Suit

The cold is still in session and at this point I am afraid to comment lest I offend the universe further.

I did this workout video today. No modifications were needed. I was happy to try working with the Pilates’ bands. On another note and perhaps an important one. I am afraid of body changes good, bad, or neutral. Pregnancy was very scary for me actually I spent much of it sobbing hysterically in my closet. The changes taking place now are obviously a lot more subtle than those of pregnancy and while I am very excited at the moment I know I tend to freak out and sabotage myself. I worry about being too thin, too fat, too muscular, too flabby/soft, too curvy, too ruler-like.

I chose 120 lbs as my safe weight years ago, one for my height it technically is a healthy/balanced weight and two the lack of extremes in any direction made it less fear-inducing. I am not afraid of Sam’s body. Other people’s bodies make no difference to me shape or size they are all beautiful to me and I mean that. My own body, on the other hand, seems to freak me the fuck out, like I am wearing a person suit or something. It isn’t just vanity like concern over fat thighs or something, it feels more like Metamorphosis or something, like if you were to wake up as an insect or whatever you fear the most. I just don’t really understand why I am a human, I don’t think I am a human. Irrational? Yes!


9 responses

  1. I love science fiction movies and seen a few where “transcendence” becomes a life goal for the characters. All mind and energy without the restrictions of a body. I think some of us would be very happy in that medium. It is strangely funny how you can find beauty in others but cannot see your own, which I know is there. 120 is a healthy weight if you are not tall. I am at 156 and 65″ tall but it takes gym work to keep it there. A lot easier since gave up most sugars 🙂

    • I think so too Hector. Do you remember the movie Powder where the boy turns into pure energy? I am not particularly tall I am 5’4 or 64″. I am not sure where I am at the moment weight-wise on Sunday I do my weigh in and my measurements which I will post probably, it will be a month since I did it last. I don’t expect dramatic loss with Hypothyroidism it takes time, but I can feel some changes. I have really reduced sugar not removed but I am trying to keep it in the special occasion not everyday category.

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