Isadora is still home from school with the cold/flu. At the moment both of our temperatures are hanging around the normal/slightly elevated range which is a welcome improvement but we are still heavily congested. The congestion was just in the chest, now it is also in the head.
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being sick? Well I do. I don’t have the patience. It was fine when I was getting sick only once a year or once every couple of years but now that my immune system has taken a nose dive I am practically hysterical with impatience. I am sure hysteria isn’t helping my immune system at all but in the last few years I have gotten sick an alarming amount.
I had disturbed dreams last night. In one installment I was in my high school gym (no one from my high school was present) and I was participating in an exercise course. I have oddly done this same course before in another dream. I was much thinner in the dream than I am in reality and my brain kept saying things like you will be happier when you look like this but of course I know that isn’t true. I have been underweight, healthy weight, and overweight, while being healthy does improve my outlook, being healthy and being skinny are not synonymous. I know the risks of being underweight. I remember how it felt and happiness had nothing to do with it. When I am overweight I don’t want to be touched. When I am underweight I don’t want to be touched. I just feel really disconnected when I am entering any sort of extreme range. The dream was intense and it was followed by a dream of being naked in a public building. Sam wouldn’t wait for me to get dressed and I just remember feeling incredibly stressed and rushed running around my arms completely overflowing with personal effects. When I finally exit the building I see the car waiting and hop into the passenger side. The car is running but Sam is no where to be seen. Then all of a sudden the car starts to roll and pick up speed. I can’t seem to untangle myself from the mountain of personal effects I am holding to get to the steering wheel/breaks and then BAM. I remember the front of the car crumpling up and the air bag and just this suffocating panic. I have never been in anything that would really constitute a car accident but I dream about them a lot. Maybe because when I was a kid my mom got into a very serious one on the way to pick me up and I remember her green and purple swollen toothless face so vividly. Stressed much? More like frantic I guess but I don’t why. No one is pushing me to do or be anything, there’s only me and my own outrageous expectations which I know are outrageous. I try to counter my obsessive thinking with balanced actions but the feelings don’t go away.
I did yoga today for about 1 hour, followed by 10 minutes in corpse pose.
The routine came from the first yoga book I ever owned The Sivananda Companion to Yoga. Aside from yoga I have been trying to get some cleaning done. Sam has been helping out but we’ve kept it pretty basic (no dirty dishes stuff like that).