Bad Dreams and Congestion!

Isadora is still home from school with the cold/flu. At the moment both of our temperatures are hanging around the normal/slightly elevated range which is a welcome improvement but we are still heavily congested. The congestion was just in the chest, now it is also in the head.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate being sick? Well I do. I don’t have the patience. It was fine when I was getting sick only once a year or once every couple of years but now that my immune system has taken a nose dive I am practically hysterical with impatience. I am sure hysteria isn’t helping my immune system at all but in the last few years I have gotten sick an alarming amount.

I had disturbed dreams last night. In one installment I was in my high school gym (no one from my high school was present) and I was participating in an exercise course. I have oddly done this same course before in another dream. I was much thinner in the dream than I am in reality and my brain kept saying things like you will be happier when you look like this but of course I know that isn’t true. I have been underweight, healthy weight, and overweight, while being healthy does improve my outlook, being healthy and being skinny are not synonymous. I know the risks of being underweight. I remember how it felt and happiness had nothing to do with it. When I am overweight I don’t want to be touched. When I am underweight I don’t want to be touched. I just feel really disconnected when I am entering any sort of extreme range. The dream was intense and it was followed by a dream of being naked in a public building. Sam wouldn’t wait for me to get dressed and I just remember feeling incredibly stressed and rushed running around my arms completely overflowing with personal effects. When I finally exit the building I see the car waiting and hop into the passenger side. The car is running but Sam is no where to be seen. Then all of a sudden the car starts to roll and pick up speed. I can’t seem to untangle myself from the mountain of personal effects I am holding to get to the steering wheel/breaks and then BAM. I remember the front of the car crumpling up and the air bag and just this suffocating panic. I have never been in anything that would really constitute a car accident but I dream about them a lot. Maybe because when I was a kid my mom got into a very serious one on the way to pick me up and I remember her green and purple swollen toothless face so vividly. Stressed much? More like frantic I guess but I don’t why. No one is pushing me to do or be anything, there’s only me and my own outrageous expectations which I know are outrageous. I try to counter my obsessive thinking with balanced actions but the feelings don’t go away.

I did yoga today for about 1 hour, followed by 10 minutes in corpse pose.

The routine came from the first yoga book I ever owned The Sivananda Companion to Yoga. Aside from yoga I have been trying to get some cleaning done. Sam has been helping out but we’ve kept it pretty basic (no dirty dishes stuff like that).


13 responses

  1. Sending both you and Isadora good energy to recover well – and energy that Sam doesn’t pick up the bug either.

    Perhaps the dreams – the intensity is a reflection and a sign – a sign that you are pushing yourself too hard. Sometimes – no matter how we choose to proceed – with what we feel are our best interests and intentions – we ignore the obvious – which, maybe, in this case is this: you’re pushing yourself too hard in your work outs – and since you are not well because of this cold/flu bug – it’s a very open way of saying “slow down a bit”?

    Certainly the irony lies in the desire and need to get yourself agile and flexible – yes, because as you are very aware – your injuries determine that you, on a regular basis, need to stretch and work and tone, in order to prevent further deterioration, damage and pain – but perhaps the alternating with “harder” days is when you overdo it?

    Reading along as you chronicle your work outs and explain and share your thoughts and feelings – well, it seems to me that it sounds like you are really demanding so much of yourself physically and mentally – and perhaps, a gentler approach – with less intensity is what would be more beneficial?

    I’m just grasping here – only you know the answers Yves – you already know and understand – it’s just a question of “am I ready to listen, understand and then … decide how to proceed – for the ultimate best benefit of myself” …. and in this, my friend, you are not alone. Your intense self-knowledge and awareness means that, in my opinion, the choices you might be making are perhaps over-taxing and challenging – a form of punishment – for whatever reasons.

    Either way – I get it.

    And I send you lots of energy and hugs and love … cause you, at least, have the courage and honesty to share yourself – and that – is a beautiful gift.

    • Thank you so much for all your lovely sentiments first of all (hugs which are completely safe being cyber haha)

      Since I started in January I’d been doing really very well. I managed to go a whole month without getting sick. I’ve been loving the workouts. The pain in my back was at an all time low. Before this happened I was enjoying some of my best health in years, even my cysts were smaller. February has been a rough month. I have had so much to do, Sam as well. The busy-ness has been getting to me, the constant appointments. I have 3 more known appointments this month and honestly if anything that is the thing that has been causing me the most stress/agony. I want to cancel them all. I want to say fuck the Unemployment Office, fuck my Mammogram, fuck Therapy. Just leave me alone I’ve done everything I can do this month but if I did March would end up looking like February. I know it seems stupid to freak out about appointments but I am about 80% Agoraphobic.

      Anyhow the workouts have been a way for me to relieve some of the intense frustration I feel. In the past I have had a less balanced workout approach I have had yoga in the mornings same as always, no recovery day, longer workout sessions, and everyday high intensity. That never worked for long, which is why I decided to try it this way. With a recovery day and low intensity activities mixed in with the higher intensity workouts and shorter workout times mixed up with longer times, instead of just long grueling days back to back as I was doing. It is so hard to sort because like you said if I take too much time off or don’t challenge myself enough during the routines I get weaker which means more problems with posture, which means more pain, and increased illness. If I go too hard same thing exhaustion, more pain, illness. I am trying so hard to be balanced but the reality is if I take a week off I will lose muscle and begin to deteriorate because of Hypothyroidism I have a harder time building and maintaining muscle because of poor circulation and poor nutrient absorption. I am in a constant dilemma about what to do when I get sick.

      I know with PTSD and Depression my immune system is just more vulnerable add that to having a young school-aged child and well BAM. When it comes to wound healing my body is top notch (even bordering on mutant-freakish) but when it comes to fighting off viruses it’s pretty bad. Sam told me that there is a virus going around now that is hitting young people particularly hard. I am not sure if this is what we got or why I, as a not so young person, am being knocked on my ass by it but who knows. I for some reason seem vulnerable to ailments of youth. I still get cold sores for fuck’s sake!

      • *snorting* at the last comment – not that cold sores are funny – they are particularly painful and bothersome to many … but it’s just I can *hear* the tone of your voice – the exasperation and questioning disbelief …

        Well … firstly – for whatever reason – and most likely – as you’ve already said – you probably picked up on this bug because you are so stressed out – and no matter how well you handle it – and honestly, you are handling things very well – it probably was enough to blow you a wet raspberry.

        Winter can be so difficult – especially with less light, more cold and inclement weather – and this all adds up too – so my guess is – this is just another way of throwing you on your butt for a few days – and as longs as you are starting to feel better and are taking care of yourself as best you can – including doing the workouts and movements etc. you need to – in order to at the very least maintain your balance etc. etc. – then that’s okay. You know your body and your extremes and limits and when you’ve possibly gone too far – so as long as you are mindful – which clearly – it seems to be the case – then this damn bug will pass – and you’ll be feeling less run down and more energetic.

        I wish I could throw a handful of pixie dust at you and say “hah – no more stress” – you will get through all of this no problems – but – well – life is life.

        As long as you’re trying to keep some semblance of emotional and mental sanity going on in all of this – then, well – just take it one day at a time – and divide it up as you need to … cause you know, there is only one you ….. and always remember – you are more than “enough” just as are – beautiful spirit and person – sniffles and all πŸ™‚

      • Why must they continue to plague me Pat??? I got my first one in the 4th grade, I actually remember the moment when I noticed it. I also weirdly have a few pimples at the moment as well. I will be interested to see the results of my hormone tests that’s for sure.

        I slept with some vapor rub on my chest lastnight and that really did help with the whole breathing bit lol

        Stage 1 intense body pain, bad headache, coughing, low grade fever

        Stage 2 body pain eases, headache remains with light sensitivity, coughing intensifies, fever high

        Stage 3 Fever breaks, pain reduces over all, light sensitivity remains/dry eyes which is rather weird for a cold, chest congestion/coughing remains but looser

        Stage 4 no fever, very runny nose, sneezing up a storm, less coughing but still chest congestion this is where I am now and I am hoping I am in the recovery stage now though putting it in stages freaks me out

      • Well … you know … some people carry the herpes simplex virus in their bodies …. for life…. and over time …. especially when stressed or weakened …. they have the flare up – I had a very good friend like that ….. she’d break out in to a cold sore and yet … for the most part – her health was okay – not overly susceptible to colds or flu etc. I think it’s a but like, why do some adults get shingles whereas others don’t? or hell …. warts …. I mean, I went out with a guy way back in the day who was a freakin’ carrier for mono – gave to all his girlfriends – but he never got sick. So go figure.

        Hormones …. oh hell …I’m not even gonna touch this other than to say … may I lie down and weep or scream in fury or collapse in hysterical laughter??? All would be appropriate to through into the blender at any point! LOL

        Well … it sounds like you are definitely on the mend – over the er worst of this bug …. so march on – okay – walk quietly – save your energy for better things – and just keep on taking care of yourself and I hope Isadora is feeling better too.

      • I am like your friend I think. In college it was pretty consistently that way but I did have a lapse of quite a while where despite stress nothing happened. I have had it twice in rapid succession this year though. I had it until it healed and literally right after vanishing it reappeared again possibly because I got sick and it being an opportunistic little fucker cropped up again. Sam had Mono but they refer to it as glandular fever here he was sick with it for a very long time in high school (I think he missed 6 months of school) with fevers like 105 and 106, very severe case, absolutely delirious. Whenever he gets sick his fevers still get really high right up in those dangerous ranges. He’s like a furnace really. When he sleeps without me he tends to get fevers in the night, my ice cold body actually helps cool him down and level things out. LMAO need I say more?

      • LOL — well – it sounds like you compliment each other and balance things right out – literally ….. and so – if it works – it works!

        And yeah, fevers in that range are pretty extreme …. but what’s one person’s “normal” is another’s “odd” ….

        as for viruses we all seem to carry around …. it is odd how they tend to “behave” — lying dormant until something sets them off – then we deal with that – and sometimes it’s the yo-yo – then – hey – they seem and perhaps even finally ‘disappear’ – had the same thing, personally, with warts – on my hands – well fingers really. Drove me absolutely mad and made me feel so fucking ugly – and hell – they hurt …. it was horrible. *shuddering* – I’ve just realized that I’ve never voiced those thoughts before …. after all this time …. aren’t I just full of surprises ….

      • His normal temp is quite low actually so he has a huge range and a wonky thermostat it seems. I have a plantar wart as we speak I am full of viruses at the moment I tell you. I have done 2 sessions of the freeze treatment and it is still there. Mine is not in a place that is easily seen, not even by me actually so it is rather hard to access for treatment. I haven’t had any on my hands before but I have had a plantar wart once before maybe 10 years ago which I think we froze off and it went quite willingly, this one is more tenacious it seems. They can get sore, which is the only reason I decided to treat it. It is good to get things out.

      • indeed …. and funny how it’s often the “little things” that end up holding the most significance …. LOL …. well, at least to be able to laugh …. that’s better than not … πŸ˜‰

      • It is and often those little things don’t even occur to others because they have their own army of little things. We’ve got to keep a sense of humor about ourselves if we are going to stay somewhat sane

      • XD … roflmao …. somewhat being the “key” word in that particular turn of phrase …. and yes …. you’re quite right …. we all have our own particular set of little quarks that are sometimes such buggers … πŸ˜‰

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