Today’s workout was Chest Back Plus Balance P90X2. I am not sure I did a single move on the video! First there is the obvious issue that I don’t own a pull up bar so I have to sub those out with various exercises. Secondly I only own 1 medicine ball not 4! Even if I did own 4 I honestly can’t imagine a day where I would be performing a pushup suspended completely on medicine balls (the terror aspect alone!). I am also scared to even attempt a regular pushup where I clap my hands together so I always do those on my knees. Actually to be fair I am still doing most pushups on my knees. My upper body is a lot weaker than my lower body. I think that it is okay as long as I am doing the hardest version I can perform with good form. Sometimes I do throw in regular pushups but in these videos they are doing 100s of push ups, all different types and I am just not able to do a 100 pushups like for real yo. At the end he threw in an Ab Ripper challenge.


On another note I had a nightmare last night and like many nightmares it sounds quite silly in retelling. I dreamed this somewhat scarecrow-like 20-something-looking man was hanging around the house. As silly as this sounds he actually drove a hearse through the patch of forest beside our house on arrival. Sometimes he had dreads and sometimes short spiky black hair. He kept trying to convince me that my life, my history, the history of my house were different than what I know them to be. He tried to convince me that at one time there had been another floor to our house and that there had been a very nice apartment there where a sick little boy had lived. He told me the boy had died there. I told him based on the blueprints of our house it was not possible and that I knew the previous and only owners of the house and they were very much alive and that they had only one child. He tried to tell me I was part of a Cheerleading troupe, yeah right a 35 year old, chubby, nonathletic, antisocial woman dedicated to a life of competitive cheerleading. He tried to convince me that a lot of different people lived in our house, that it was a communal property and in the dream my house was full of people (not sure if they were meant to be alive or if they were spirits). He tried saying that I lived with my mom instead of my husband, just all sorts of things. I spent half the night arguing with this bastard. He seemed absolutely intent to rewrite my life. I can’t say why it was scary maybe because things and people kept disappearing, maybe because he was especially intent on removing my husband for the location, maybe because things seemed to get heavier and grayer as it went along, maybe because he reminded me of that damn incubus I haven’t seen in a long time. Anyhow that dream is still hanging on tight despite the fact I have been up for hours.

Some more pictures


Me and my weird cheekbones, in pictures my eyes often look markedly different sizes but when I look in the mirror they don’t I am assuming it has to do with weird facial expressions.



And these are 2 more recent pics of Isadora. I still have more but I figure this is enough for now. My beautiful ricemaker is behind her in the first one haha


22 responses

  1. I admire the “strange duplicity” of you Yves – and I mean that in more than the best of ways – and in total honesty – because for as much as you are currently so dissatisfied and “upset” with yourself – you are brutally honest – in showing us pictures of yourself (and well, aren’t you just a beautiful person? Yes. B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. ) … so that’s the “strange duplicity” ….. and well, Isadora is a beautiful gem – such sparkle and focus in those eyes ….. πŸ˜€

    • I want to do this for Isadora because I want her to have family photos and Sam and I have gotten to the point with our own body dysmorphia that we don’t even bring out the camera anymore even at birthdays or holidays so I am doing this as like exposure therapy. First up facing photos that have already been taken. Awww thank you Pat. She is gorgeous inside and out

      • well I still admire your bravery – and honesty – even if it makes you feel so vulnerable – because once, we as adults, get stuck in a one-sided view mode about ourselves …. it’s damn hard to shake – and I think it’s important that children, in this case, you little gem, Isadora, understands and recognizes herself – and knows she is gorgeous …. and it’s good for everyone …. I think it’s all about recognizing beauty as it exists …. in everything and everyone …. just as they are …. and so, hats off to you Yves …. keep up the efforts …. it will all pay off in the end πŸ™‚

      • Thank you Pat XD At the moment Isadora is comfortable/happy with her appearance but I do worry that media influence, coupled with viciousness of adolescence won’t effect her negatively. Already the girls in her class talk about their mom’s diets and they are all like carbs are bad. She asks me nutrition questions sometimes trying to figure out what is true and what isn’t and I am glad she asks me but still it is worrying how early some of these issues start.

      • Well it sounds like you have the right approach – and as long as Isadora knows she can come to you – honestly – and will get the answers she needs – and the support – openly – then that in itself is huge – perhaps more than half the battle. So bravo to you and hubby and yes, Isadora too. πŸ™‚

      • Thanks Pat XD Right now there is an old woman at her school not a teacher or anything that keeps telling her water is unhealthy and she should drink only milk. My kid actually likes water, a lot of kids won’t drink it so I am little annoyed that someone is trying to scare her out of drinking water especially when Sweden has good clean water. I mean in some places tap water isn’t safe but that’s not the case here

      • you’re right – that makes no sense – especially if she likes water – and so yes, as long as she gets enough calcium in her body through a variety of means, then quenching thirst by water is most excellent.

        Some people may mean well – but their delivery is all wrong – and surely, to insist does nothing other than confuse – and that is just wrong. If it persists, you can always complain and better yet – “arm” Isadora with the “little white lie” – and tell her to tell this person that she drinks plenty of milk at home, thank you very much πŸ˜‰

      • Thanks Pat, I just find it quite weird really. Obviously she does get calcium, she doesn’t live on a diet of bread and water haha Now my husband he would happily live on a diet of bread and water

      • oh …. by the way, the next time I check back – I’ll be checking in under my CPP name – just to add to my already confused state of being πŸ˜‰

  2. Oh damn …. I forgot to mention …. as for those repeating nightmares …. well … obviously, for all the elements that don’t make sense – literally – there is something that your subconscious is trying to tell you (yeah, okay – that’s obvious – and I’m not trying to be any stupider than usual) – but perhaps – perhaps – some of it might make more sense if you consider some of the “key” (really troubling or bothersome) aspects in a more metaphorical sense.

    Either way … I send you hugs and hope that you manage to get some quality rest soon – because there is nothing worse than the garbage that repeats and repeats and invades the dreams …. and follows into waking daylight …. it’s as if the film reel won’t stop … and that is so unpleasant …..

    Hugs Yves

  3. Very brave of you, Yves. As usual, I’m reading backwards, and was thinking you were going a great job of sharing images of yourself knowing how you feel.
    It’s scary that girls Isadora’s age are talking diets. The next step for some will be trying them out. Let’s hope their mothers’ have a proper attitude towards their daughters, and don’t project their own diet issues onto them.
    I couldn’t image you as a cheerleader; that was the part of his false stories that most seemed contrived by him! lol.
    I agree with Pat — sometimes there is a message even in the weirdest, most absurdist, surrealistest dreams.

    • It is scary because the thing is it’s not enough to tell your daughter how to eat properly, what a healthy body looks like etc., you’ve got to model the behavior and the attitude of confidence, self-acceptance you want to teach them. Even if you manage to avoid self-deprecating comments about your own body out loud, they do pick up on your insecurities. That is where I fail. Even though I educate her about health and fitness, even though I eat in the way I want to see her eat, never skipping meals, healthy portions, moderation with treat foods, plenty of veggies etc. I still have crappy self-esteem. I remember my mom going on these restrictive diets all through my childhood before ballooning back up again her concept of healthy eating was salads, boiled chicken, no carbs (sadly a lot of women think that). No way your kid doesn’t notice that, no way they don’t notice you skipping carbs and chewing celery all day. We eat meals together and with minor exceptions the same foods. Isadora has a few foods I don’t make her eat like onions, olives, spicy stuff. She knows to eat her veggies first and that she has to finish those but otherwise I don’t make her clean her plate because kids go through grow phases she is ravenously hungry one week will eat anything and then a few days after the growth spurt she tends to have a reduced appetite. I try to be considerate of that cycle.

      • It must be tough raising a daughter, even if you didn’t have your own issues about body image, etc. She’ll have the celery chewers to deal with.
        My mother had a model’s figure that she didn’t need to do anything to maintain. She gained 15 pounds when she was pregnant with me, lost it right away and didn’t gain an ounce until she was in her 50s when she gained 2 pounds! Her legacy, though, is poor posture — she had the same scrunching over because she was tall for a woman and didn’t want to stand out.
        I could never, even at my thinnest, wear my mother’s skirts or dresses — her waist was just too tiny!
        I took after my father’s side: tending toward chunk — though what was considered chunky when I was a kid would seem normal or less.
        Oops, I’m going on again!

      • My grandmother was tall and thin and she too hunched and developed Osteoporosis in her later years causing her to lose several inches. She had a very thin upper body like tiny shoulders and her upper arms I could encircle with one hand (I can’t even do that with my 8 year old!). I have always had to work at it myself.

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