To Hyperventilate or Breathe

My day the boring unabridged version

6:00 Am Wake


Flapping aka posture exercises I do these in the morning and in the evening. It might look silly but they have really helped me!


Prepare Breakfast

Wake Isadora so we can eat breakfast together

Clean up

Brush my Teeth (which takes me a really long time people! I don’t know why)

Brush Isadora’s hair/Brush my hair

Vacuum house as needed

Get everyone’s clothes ready for the next day (yes I pick out everyone’s clothes)

Clean my bedroom (which was today’s task)

Send Isadora off to school


Check Email

Get ready

Walk to bus stop

8:05 bus arrives

Wrote a poem on the bus

8:30-11:30 ish (shorter today)

Class (I found out class actually starts at 8:00 though my paper says 8:30, I couldn’t have started earlier if I’d wanted though because I can’t leave Izzy home alone)

I spoke to the teacher and I can start at 8:30

I can also go to therapy every other Friday as intended and strangely it doesn’t effect my pay because therapy is considered something I need to do in order to be functional I suppose

Class itself was a bit overwhelming as everyone is Swedish and I am the only one with a language handicap. We had to fill out a lot of paperwork as well, if you could have a disability in paperwork I would have because honestly I am TERRIBLE at paperwork.

We had to interview another student and introduce them.

The teacher told me I can leave class if I feel panicked or anything and sit by myself so he seems to be very understanding

I had to pee every 20-30 minutes and I don’t mean like just the urge, like I seriously had to go that is what happens when I am nervous

I was starving the whole time apparently oatmeal is useless

I do not know so much about the content of the course yet or if I will even be able to do the work at my current level of Swedish. I am also concerned that there might be a lot of homework involved much more than I had anticipated, like several hours a day worth.

I talked to Sam during a break he was freaking out thinking he had to leave work and get Isadora because he was afraid there was a misunderstanding with daycare when I had Isadora swing by and request the forms. Luckily we left early today so I was able to go and he didn’t have to rush home.

I can’t remember when exactly I got on the bus but I was stuffing a sandwich ferociously into my mouth while waiting. I finished my sandwiches on the bus. I am still hungry, stress?

I arrived home tore off my clothes and put on my gym clothes

Did P90X X-Stretch as it was my rest/recovery day.

Threw on my clothes rushed off to get Isadora

Nearly did a complete mid air flip when I slipped on some mud in my backyard

Got Isadora went to daycare to clear up the misunderstanding that they did not appear to be having and filled out some forms (which I was walked through like a small child) so Isadora will be able to go to daycare tomorrow and I don’t have to freak out about that anymore

Then I realized I did not have my house keys! Could not find them, though I had locked up on leaving. Discover them by the mud that nearly took my life.

Arrive home Isadora is already off to play with the neighbor

Clean up after my workout

Prepare my poem for tomorrow’s posting

Read responses to the prompts I host

Took a shower

Wrote this post “breathe”

Today isn’t over yet

Oh also my caseworker contacted my about an auto shop looking for a cleaner. My stepdad was a mechanic and I cleaned his shop but it is not my ideal cleaning environment. She has set up an internship. Course and internship? Is the internship just the one day of cleaning? She said she would be cleaning with me which is a little funny somehow. I am, however, confused at how many things I am meant to be doing at the same time.



Today’s workout came from The Pilates Body by Brooke Silar. I did 30 minutes today and will do 30 minutes tomorrow as well. I recommend this book to anyone interested in learning Pilates with a limited amount of space, no access to machines, and no equipment. When I trained for my Pilate’s certification this is the book we used, it is highly regarded.

I have accepted a position in a training program and while I plan to continue my exercise routine, I will have to reserve any left over time for writing poetry. Therefore I won’t be giving daily reports anymore. I may check in to record milestones or perhaps give brief summaries over the weekend but I will be short on time and as I have such poor time management skills I am having to prioritize.


Today I did this video which is quite long!

I really enjoyed today’s workout though and feel this was the best I have done with this video yet. I did significantly more push ups in full form. The other day I bought push up stands and I like the depth I am able to achieve with them. I also did the tuck jumps since my knees were feeling good today. I did not do the ninja tuck jumps though because I am not that coordinated! I did Burpees instead. I feel I stuck very close to the workout as presented. I do not have a dip station so for those exercise alternatives were necessary but I felt I chose very compatible options. I was a bit stiff today though in the calves from the previous day of jumping. The next 2 days I will have lighter sessions and no jumping so that will be a relief!


Today I did Insanity Asylum Championship in the opening gambit Shaun T suggests we should have already completed Asylum 1 and 2 which I haven’t so I was a bit worried haha I thought the workout was a lot of fun actually. As a kid I was excluded from sports. So these workouts give me a chance to pretend I am participating and I actually have fun pretending that I am winning a race or playing a game. A game that for once doesn’t involve someone screaming at me in a discouraging way!

Why do I suck at sports?

I have poor depth perception because I don’t use my left eye properly or rather because my brain blocks the input that my left eye generates. Poor depth perception means that I can’t gauge distances and I tend to run into things and people! Games like baseball are terrifying because I can’t even see fast moving objects! So to me baseball is like having really hard invisible objects flying at my face.

I have PTSD which means my body and mind don’t communicate with each other properly and I have poor awareness of where and what my various parts are doing. Not to mention I don’t like physical contact! Exercising regularly has helped a lot but whenever I try something new and totally different I tend to be very stiff and uncoordinated. It takes me longer to get it but I have found that if I keep at it, even if it takes years, I eventually do get it.

I have ear problems which result in dizziness, sometimes vertigo, and tinnitus. While I can do a spinning jump it makes me feel very sick and disoriented. My stationary balance is actually very good but I need to learn how to spot when I am turning. I don’t know if having just the one eye is making spotting harder but I just can’t seem to do it!

I have a lot more slow twitch muscles than fast twitch muscles. I am an endurance kind of gal give me something and let me do it at my own pace and I can go quite a long time but don’t expect me to impress you with my speed or fast reflexes!

Still I liked this workout. The volleyball and speed skater sections were particularly fun. I might not be a strong vertical jumper but my lateral jumps are quite good because I have a lot of inner thigh muscle (I can max out the machine in the gym). The gymnastic section was tough! I couldn’t do that much high impact jumping so I had to substitute with lower impact versions. I did, however, do some tuck jumps and I felt they went well.

I had my mammogram today which was not as bad as I feared. Honestly, it didn’t even hurt, it was just awkward and weird. After the mammogram I had an ultrasound, heavy on the jelly. My breasts are healthy! After the exam I was offered a very short sink and a towel. Washing my boobs in that tiny sink with the nurse flitting about, I just cracked up laughing it was so ridiculous. I am not even tall, why was that sink so short?!

Boobs and Core

Today I did P90X Core Synergistics. I have done this workout in the past. I got P90X shortly after moving to Sweden when I was trying to shed those stubborn post pregnancy pounds. I enjoy this routine and felt it went quite well. I was able to do some of the pushups in full and that is always something, my lunges were spot on. I did have trouble with chataranga it is hard exercise but having done Power Yoga the day before I found my muscles a little extra tired. I only managed one chataranga hold in full at the end, after that I had to do the chataranga hold on my knees. I can’t do chataranga runs yet (and for the life of me I don’t remember what I subbed with right now)  but whenever I do yoga I try to hold the pose for a bit to try and build some strength. I feel a bit slimmer!

Tomorrow I go in for my mammogram. My blood work came in yesterday and it showed normal immune function, that coupled with the exam and the doctor believes the discharge from my left breast was most likely cyst related but I still have to go in just to be certain. As for my thyroid it is still exhausted.

Magic Tricks

Today is my recovery day and I did this workout. For those considering this video I should inform you that she uses Sanskrit. As I am mostly self-taught I don’t know all of the terms used in the video so I did have to peek at the screen to make sure I was on the right page! Also I have mostly practiced Hatha yoga and while I have done Ashtanga yoga I am not nearly as experienced. While I can jump/float back and forward I could not do so in the myriad ways she was able to. For example near the end she picks herself up in some sort of lotus balance and floats back, did not happen for me. I wasn’t really sure how to lift myself once I got up on my knees. I am probably not that strong to be honest. I can do a full lotus, I can do a lotus in a headstand but what she did I could not emulate. I am not good with twisting or binding postures because of my shoulder issues so I always took the simplest form in those exercises. As for headstand I did do it but I was on the wall and I could not counterbalance myself the way she could in the free-standing version so my pike was not at 90 degrees. I hope to get to 90 degrees but it is the first time I have ever tried it so it is something to work toward.


Today I did Pap Upper from P90X2. The first circuit, which we repeated 4 times, was the hardest. I am quite slow at pushups so I had to pause and to do my 10 renegade row/pushups and 6 plyo pushups (I also somehow do these in slow mo which is very surreal). I did the warmup pushups in full form but then I had to go to my knees for the circuit though the rows were done in full plank. I was very pleased with myself I was able to hold the declined forearm plank in full form for the full time every time. My weights aren’t great for the rows though they crush my hands and so I am thinking I will need something that gives me a bit more clearance. I used bands in place of pullups because I do not have a pull up bar. I liked this workout I feel it really hit me in one of my weakest and hardest to get to areas.
Now for the measurements. I am disappointed with them honestly. Sam says I look great and reminds me to focus on health goals. He doesn’t think I need to lose weight.

Height: 5’4/163 cm
Starting Weight: 59.5 kg/131lbs
Current Weight: 58 kg/127.8 lbs
Goal Weight: 54 kg/120 lbs

My hope is to lose 2 lbs/0.9 kg a month. Obviously I’d love to be a 1 lb a week girl but since I am not overweight and I have Hypothyroidism that didn’t seem realistic to me.

I am not going to list my past measurements just click here to view them.

Right and Left Arm: 27 cm/10.6 inches (my arms got bigger all those pushups maybe?)
Waist: 66.6 cm/26.2 inches (small loss)
Hips 96.5 cm/37.9 inches (quite a big loss)
Right Thigh: 54.3 cm/21.4 inches (slightly bigger)
Left Thigh: 53.8 cm/21.2 inches (same, maybe I had a tense right thigh this morning)
Right and Left Calf: 34.2 cm/13.5 inches (small loss)
Chest: 95.5 cm/37.5 inches (loss but not desired)

My computer is not working well and needs to be replaced I do not know how long it has left =(

Practice: Happiness

I did this workout today as presented. I haven’t much to say today really. I have been thinking over what Sam said to me this morning about Happiness being a skill like patience. I am certain that’s true. Happiness isn’t found or lost in externals, it comes from within. If it is a skill that means one can practice happiness. I don’t exactly know how to train in happiness but if I had to guess it has nothing to do with being comfortable. If it had anything to do with being comfortable I would be a fucking master by now because I am a master at creating comfort zones and avoidance. If I had to guess being happy probably means embracing fear and moving towards it. If I had to guess happiness would mean opening all those creepy doors in one’s mind and airing shit out. If I had to guess it probably involves getting naked, rather than creating the perfect suit of armor. If I had to guess practicing happiness is probably just as uncomfortable and challenging as practicing patience.

Tomorrow is the day for the monthly measurements so I can see if I have made any progress! Tomorrow I will also be out of town at my sister-in-laws b-day XD


Recovered? Not totally this cold is tenacious. The flu perhaps? I am feeling a little anxious and honestly a bit lazy today. My sleep was disrupted continuously by a dream I can no longer remember and some breathing issues (cold type stuff nothing serious). I did work out though. I did Insanity Max Interval Circuit which is 1 hour. Since I still have lingering congestion in my chest and head I could go full out. For the warm up I did all but High Knees in normal form. High Knees I took the impact out but made sure to lift my knees above the waist. As for the routine itself I did lower the impact over all not with everything. Anyhow I definitely broke a sweat. I was actually good in the beginning but during the last circuit I was beat. I got through but I hope to perform better next time around in that last circuit. For some reason being sick is sapping my arm strength that was the main thing I noticed. My appetite is back. While I was sick my appetite was low so I could eat, however, I thought was reasonable. I was able to portion myself and had no cravings for sweets. Today my appetite and cravings came back which is a good thing from a health perspective but it means I will have to exercise more willpower when it comes to my sugar cravings!

Body Suit

The cold is still in session and at this point I am afraid to comment lest I offend the universe further.

I did this workout video today. No modifications were needed. I was happy to try working with the Pilates’ bands. On another note and perhaps an important one. I am afraid of body changes good, bad, or neutral. Pregnancy was very scary for me actually I spent much of it sobbing hysterically in my closet. The changes taking place now are obviously a lot more subtle than those of pregnancy and while I am very excited at the moment I know I tend to freak out and sabotage myself. I worry about being too thin, too fat, too muscular, too flabby/soft, too curvy, too ruler-like.

I chose 120 lbs as my safe weight years ago, one for my height it technically is a healthy/balanced weight and two the lack of extremes in any direction made it less fear-inducing. I am not afraid of Sam’s body. Other people’s bodies make no difference to me shape or size they are all beautiful to me and I mean that. My own body, on the other hand, seems to freak me the fuck out, like I am wearing a person suit or something. It isn’t just vanity like concern over fat thighs or something, it feels more like Metamorphosis or something, like if you were to wake up as an insect or whatever you fear the most. I just don’t really understand why I am a human, I don’t think I am a human. Irrational? Yes!