Advice to Self

I have a lot to say but I am not really sure if I will cover everything in this post.

First of all a video. Sam shared this with me a few days ago. It is an inspiring, no excuses, kick in the ass sort of video so if you are feeling defeated and sensitive at the moment it will either knock you out of your rut or pummel you into the floor.

I am not 100% sure how I feel about this video (I do like it). I do agree that if you use your free time to productively work toward your goals that you will make major, possibly life-changing gains. I also agree that getting good at anything takes a long time and a lot of hard work. I wasn’t born with a pencil in my hand, writing sonnets by age six. I had an interest in poetry. I read it first (voraciously let me add) and eventually I started writing my own. I didn’t make any real progress until I started to set aside time to work on it daily (a practice I have neglected of late). My concerns are that I have an obsessive and addictive personality. I am not ambitious so much as destructive. I take everything a step (or 3) too far. I have literally worked myself into the hospital. So at the moment I do not know how to be obsessed with something in a healthy way.

I was abused and I don’t need to get over it. It happened and there is no getting over something like that. I keep trying to return to the me I might have been if I hadn’t been abused but that person doesn’t exist! The only person I have to be, is who I am right now and this person still has issues, issues the me I might have or should have been can’t fucking fathom, much less handle. While I have moved forward, broken the cycle, created a beautiful and safe environment in which I can thrive I am still going to feel things that scare me, that shame me, that frustrate and exhaust me. I am occasionally going to remember something sad or something terrible.  I am not living that life anymore thankfully but I can’t erase it either.  I can’t erase the me that was betrayed and mistreated but I am in a place now where I can do better for her.


2 responses

  1. I have one word for you, Yves: balance.

    There’s a fine line between pushing beyond the comfort zone and pushing beyond your own limit. Balance is key in anything we undertake – be it dealing with the past, striving for goals, learning a new skill.

    And you’re right, your abuse can never be taken away. Indeed it has made you who are today. You might even say that it has helped you tap into a part of yourself that otherwise might not have been discovered.

    I only know you in the virtual sense, but I’ve seen you make so much progress over the years, and I believe that you will continue. ❤️❤️❤️

    • Balance has never been my strong suit. I seek balance, I imitate balance by scheduling and structuring my activities but I have no concept of it naturally. I try to avoid excessive scheduling I just try to get in some key things I need to be healthy but take away the schedule and usually all hell breaks loose. I was on a drinking schedule for years because I could not remember to drink and had serious problems with dehydration. Now as I get more connected and in tune with myself I do drink more frequently and I need less reminders and it is more habit. It takes me a lot longer than 21 days to form a habit. It generally takes me several years! I love the cleaning schedule I made for the new house it really saves time and I get everything done, except the garden I don’t understand gardening yet but that is next up. I feel I have made progress too though I am nothing if not terrified of change I am still trying to move forward even if sometimes it involves dragging/crawling kicking/screaming.

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