I am in a state right now. About 2 weeks ago everyone had perfectly ordinary colds from which we recovered. Life resumed. A few days ago I was sitting upstairs with the family, I had a headache and hubbie asked me where I had gotten that rash on my face. The rash appeared out of nowhere, it looked like a rash not a blush, and then it disappeared pretty shortly after. That was a couple of days ago and possibly insignificant. I went to bed maybe it was that night or the next and I woke up with intense pain in my right knee. I struggled for a while to get the leg strait and then sat up in bed. I sat for a while before slowly getting up, testing if the knee was okay. Just as I was entering the bathroom I got hit with a wave of intense dizziness and nausea. I told hubbie and he asked if I was pregnant j/k. As weird as it sounds those were my symptoms when I got pregnant with my daughter. I woke up with intense pain in the knee, had to be carried to the bathroom, got dizzy and nauseous and then passed out. At that time I was also told that I had Hypothyroidism so I was never really sure which condition caused the bizarre symptoms. My thyroid fluctuates. Last time I had it checked a few months ago it was high but it hadn’t quite gotten to medication range. Anyhow the pain is now in both knees and in my mid/upper back. I have had the pain for about 3 days now. I started with meds yesterday for pain relief and it does help some but they only last about 3 hours. I take meds before bed but they wear off and I am unable to get back to sleep so I am exhausted. I am also peeing a lot. Like I need to get up 3 times a night and whenever I have peed this much in the past it has always meant I have an infection. I am not sure if I should go to the doctor or not. I don’t have a thermometer so I do not know if I have a fever, only that I am cold even when no one else is cold. Pregnancy is somewhat unlikely because I take birth control to stop my periods. The last time I was at the doctors she said my ovary had recently been active. I am having some trouble getting my ovaries to shut down and stay dormant so it is not impossible but it seems pretty unlikely given that I had a LEEP procedure recently and have continued taking birth control. Even if I got pregnant right before, wouldn’t the surgery have effected it? I have only recently been able to resume sexual activities so I think it would be too early to tell if I had just gotten pregnant and my ovaries do not seem to be working at the moment anyway. Since I don’t have a period I have no way to tell if I miss one. That said the thyroid sounds more plausible or maybe it is just some type of infection. When I had pneumonia I also had this level of pain in the body, only I do not have the lung/chest pain. I have noticed some cold symptoms today though so it may be that the pain is from an oncoming flu or that I never actually fully recovered from the first cold. Ugh I don’t know. Oh yeah and my breasts are full of cysts and hurt like hell because why not?
Those reading my poetry blog may have noticed a decline in the quality of my work.
As you may or may not know I have started class again but I have changed schools. I liked my classmates in my previous school. The classmates in my new school seem nice and a few of them have attempted to reach out to me. I would like to say I have reached back and am well on my way to making friends but unfortunately that’s not the case. I am overwhelmed by all the newness and by issues in my personal life. I have been feeling very disconnected lately and can hardly carry on a conversation.
So what has me so distracted these days? Well I have recently told my mom about being molested. She believed me. She also confronted my dad, just as I knew she would. He was in bad condition, living in filth, and drunk. He denied it outright but added sharply that if he did anything he was probably drunk. He approached her then (I am not sure in what manner she would not say) but she ran out of the house. He hasn’t changed. He is still a monster. He is still my father (by blood only). I am bothered that my dad is far from the only monster in my family tree. I am bothered that when looking at arrests in my hometown 400 of them are family members. It’s not even a big city. I am bothered that I grew up in a carnival of malevolence.
Part 2. When my mom was pregnant (aside from working the whole time because my dad was an unemployed alcoholic) my grandma tried to kill her/us. I feel some sense of betrayal because I loved my grandma so much. Granted she hadn’t met me when she attempted to purge the demon’s spawn but still it makes me think all sorts of stupid things. Like maybe she only used me to get at my mom, to turn me against her in retaliation (she was vindictive and held grudges for life). I would like to think she genuinely loved me, that she regretted the whole attempted murder thing when she met me. I like to think she came to realize that I wasn’t a demon spawn but a person. I realize that even if I was just part of a revenge scheme that I loved her and she did give me comfort and sometimes weirdly stability (despite being very unstable). I perceived her as loving me as well despite some serious control issues and mood swings. Is a person who would kill their pregnant daughter capable of love? I don’t know. It may not matter because I loved her enough for two people but it breaks my heart a little.