Video Game Madness

Have you ever had weird experience in a videogame? Supernatural? Comical? Downright frightening? What’s the scariest game you every played? How about the weirdest? I am not a big gamer myself but I do have a handful of games I enjoy. If you don’t have any stories but know where I can find weird preferably scary stories let me know.

Here are my weird experiences (the ones I recall at the moment) and they all sort of have to do with love, which makes us all crazy anyhow.


Baldur’s Gate 2 (possible patches can’t recall). Like with many old school RPGs it seems largely directed at a male audience. There are 3 possible love interests if you are a male character: Aerie, Jaheira, and Viconia. Viconia is by far my favorite. If you are female you only get 1 Anomen yuck! Now I have played all 4 romances but prefer to be a male character because Viconia is my favorite. Once when playing a male character Anomen started up his romantic dialogue! Now I am all for gay relationships but with Anomen whom I find creepy beyond all reasons no thanks!

The Stalker

Sims 2 (don’t remember which packages) I was attempting to start a family with a random game Sim (single Sim). So I focused all my energy on this one Sim. I didn’t have any other love interests and only a few acquaintances/weak friendships. I had invited the Sim over to my house for a date. While we were having dinner I noticed that there was another Sim lurking outside (they did not ring the doorbell) but they were peeping in the windows. I ignored the Sim and proceeded with my date. As soon as I initiated a romantic interaction the Sim from outside burst inside and attacked my character in what looked like the typical jealous rage. I have no idea why since I was not involved with this character and neither was my partner Sim (I checked).

Vagina of Doom

Sims 3 Anyone who has downloaded custom content for the Sims knows that things can get wonky. For example a child wearing adult clothes looks deformed/monstrous with like arms coming out of their face or something. Anyhow I created a female Sim with 2 toddlers. I did not play her but saved her in a house and then went on to create additional townies and finally a character that I wanted to play. I cut off aging but I don’t think I cut off the story-telling aspect which allows the Sims to have a life even if they are not being played. Months later I decided to play my female Sim only she had 3 more toddlers and since all of them had adult clothes on it looked like she had 3 monster children. When I checked her relationships to see who the father might be, she didn’t have any romantic interests. Aliens? As a note this is her because I put her on the exchange prior to the development of her mutant offspring

Here is what a toddler in adult clothes turns out like, so three of these creepy things

Other games I like Planescape Torment, Maniac Mansion (for Nintendo let me know if there are modern versions) Heroes of Might and Magic, The Diablo Series, Disc World and that is all I can currently remember.


Who is the real threat?

“Situational Ethics takes into account the particular context of an act when evaluating it ethically, rather than judging it according to absolute moral standards. It is not a universal law that is to be followed, but the law of love.” In each moment seek the truth. When trying to control/force/win, it is even possible to mute the sound of your own conscious. Situational Ethics is about listening with an open mind and heart, it is about looking beyond the labels. I don’t believe humans need to be told they are bad/sinners to do good. I believe humans want to do good. Humans want to connect, to participate, to belong, to be listened to and confided in. Yet we often use shame and guilt to get others to do “right” and that does nothing but create a society of bullies/fear. I am bully sometimes too btw. I try to control my environment and sometimes the people within my vicinity get the brunt of that.

I watched a TED talk about addiction. You might have seen it where they gave rats the choice of drinking water contaminated with drugs or ordinary water. The rats living in poor conditions with limited interactions took the drugs, the rats who were mentally stimulated and allowed to build relationships preferred the plain water and did not develop addiction. So often we shame people with addictions and mental illnesses for being weak, denying them the connections and opportunities they need to make a better life for themselves. If you take everything away from a person is it really so strange that they continue fighting to survive and in so doing seek out artificial means of comfort/connection?

This is where I diverge a bit from Shinto. They talk about not disturbing society (at least the later Nationalistic Shinto). But sometimes society needs to be disturbed and I do not mean with violence. Often we look at society as being a force outside of ourselves, almost God-like but we are the ones that built the system (and we feed it with our beliefs/practices). We are also the only one who can transform it. So the next time you find yourself cautioning someone against expressing themselves because you are worried about their safety/reputation take a minute to evaluate that. If they are not allowed to be themselves can they build genuine relationships/connections? Will they be happy living in a cell, however, secure the prison? Will they receive enough stimulation for growth? Are they even in danger? And from whom? You?

Ridiculous Musings about Ego!

Red Stripe Mouth

When I don’t think about being damaged. I move through life, productive for a time, perhaps even confident. I forget myself. My fears are like flies that can be dusted off without any genuine interruption or consideration. I don’t even realize that I am repressing my feelings, it’s involuntary. It keeps me functional in that vaguely inhuman way that human being’s exist. Then I start to wear out, to feel uneasy, to get angry. In the beginning I don’t even realize that I am angry. I think what’s going on with everyone today? Why are they being so unreasonable? Then I start to collapse under the weight of all those pent up emotions. I think why I am still traumatized? I have a different life now. I am free. I don’t have to live in fear but I continue to live life as if the war were still raging (I have taken the war with me, I have become the war).


In a recent talk I viewed with Alan Watts he said “Now is the creative point of life” Like Merlin we actually live in reverse, our experience of now creates the past. We can’t blame the past for anything that happens today because we are the ones creating the values of the past. I thought about this and thought about this, for perhaps 10 good minutes and while I slept I am sure lol I think he is on to something but I can only parrot what he’s said at the moment.


I agree that healing comes through connection. I think that making your world safer makes you more paranoid. I think people who are traumatized that talk about it and bond recover in a way people who deny/exclude never do.


Then I started to think about the ego. The concept of the ego has always alluded me. I understand the concept of illusions and denial. I know very well that the world I perceive bares little resemblance to life at a quantum level and that the world I perceive is different than the world perceived by my ancestors and even by my neighbors (ask 10 people to describe a poem you’ve written you’ll get 10 answers). I do not think I know everything or that my view is absolute/correct/all inclusive. I do not think reality is a concrete thing that can be defined and cataloged in any particularly useful way. There is a limit to what our senses can communicate and a limit to what are brains can cope with at any give moment. As a child I could not cope with being abused so I created an alternate space for myself, a pocket, so that I could survive alongside the horrors. The ego is a useful albeit glitchy construct and as long as we inhabit mortal bodies I do not see how we could realistically dispose of it. I do not see how we could convince ourselves that we do not exist or how that would be useful.


This is where it gets tricky. I believe our beliefs shapes reality (I’d go so far as to say we are creators). As I said before whenever I repress or deny any aspect of myself it creates disease. In order to accept oneself can you really deny the existence of that self? I am not suggesting that we are separate, that our actions have no consequence, that we live in a bubble. You are me. I am you. I am sure anyone who has hurt themselves has seen the devastating impact that can have on family and friends. Yes other people take our pain personally. When I claim to hate myself, the people who love me are invariably insulted/wounded. How dare I hate someone so precious? And what does my hating myself say about them? About their judgment? Their value as human beings? The point is we simply cannot escape our connection to each other, so I deduce that we are each other. No one is alone, it is simply not possible to be alone. We are the universe, the universe is not alone. I also think if you look at beings we think of as non sentient long enough you will either imagine them sentient or realize that they are in fact sentient, but it is irrelevant the manner in which they gain sentience. Look at ants. They seem so uniform, so militant but there is always an ant that goes off does a little jig, stares at a rock for 20 minutes and then mysteriously and without fanfare returns to the regime. For a few minutes each day that ant was not a machine, he/she was something else, he/she had a private life, he/she had whims, he/she was chaos.


However, I still do not understand the point of getting rid of ego. Yes yes ego is suffering I have heard that before. The ego says this is unpleasant. I do not like this experience. Sometimes that has value, sometimes the experience is legitimately dangerous. Sometimes we are avoiding something necessary even essential to our growth and development. But if the ego is what conceives suffering. Then suffering is not suffering but experience and if the point is to learn, to grow then why are we are seeking to alleviate discomfort and disappear? Isn’t that just the ego talking? Yes there has to be some way to deduce the legitimate danger from the fear but I think we can do that better by opening up to all that we are, rather than pruning bits away. Failure is necessary so is there really any point or any merit to perfection, to establishing absolutes? What do we learn from that? So what I am saying is uncertainty is perhaps the only certainty. That sometimes we will push away an opportunity and sometimes we will step on a landmine and that is exactly what we are supposed to be doing, fumbling around. Which is better for learning the landmine or the opportunity? Who can say? Ask ego (j/k). Seriously though if belief creates reality then we created ego. We created the limitations it imposes. We convinced ourselves that the only way to know anything/anyone is to label it/them, rather to coexist with it/them.


Anyhow this is what I like about Shinto (I like many things about Buddhism too btw). Shinto does not even have perfect gods, the gods themselves are flawed as it should be. There is nothing wrong with being human. We are essentially good. Nothing negative that happens to us makes us bad even if it clouds our perceptions for a time. In Shinto it gives us permission to suffer and rejoice and that is life. If we are here now in these human bodies shouldn’t we humble ourselves to that experience and all that it entails even if we do not fully comprehend it?

We are always thinking what’s next? Tell me teacher what is the point? What is my reward for completing this lesson? I don’t know about you but I have never finished a lesson in my life. I have never said “Great now I know everything there will ever be to know about math!” or “Woot now I know every word in the English language!” Never happened. I remain a student, even when I teach I am a student first. I think that is why Shinto is concerned with life more than death.

When I was around 10 it occurred to me that I would die. I wasn’t sure what I believed would happen in the after life, if there was an after life, but the realization was frightening. I didn’t want to stop “being”. I cried and agonized over this realization for a long time and then…I had an epiphany.

If nothing happens after death: We can only be aware of ourselves when we are alive and while we might perceive the moment of dying, we can’t perceive being dead.

If reincarnation then we have not died simply exchanged one life for another.

If heaven/hell exists we have simply moved to another plane of existence

If we rejoin the universe then I expect we are neither alive nor dead but something like the Tao and thus any fear of not being is completely and utterly irrelevant. Which to me is similar to the ego, it is irrelevant. Sometimes we do see beyond into something else and sometimes we see only as far as the end of our nose and that is so.

Well I have more ridiculous musings but I will leave it there for now and with this video