If you could look inside my mind, you wouldn’t see anything because aside from when I’m sleep there’s not much in the way of visuals in there! If you could listen to my thoughts you’d understand just how much I detest myself. Like a vulture I leave no death unturned. I seem to be in a more or less constant state of consumption and decomposition. I have always considered myself aberrant. The rotten apple. The black sheep. The outsider. So naturally I assumed I needed therapy and lots of it. Naturally I assumed I’d have a list of mental health diagnoses which would conform with my sense of deviation. I might need therapy and I might have a sizable and certifiable personality 😛 But I am not that different from anyone else. One of my major concerns is my memory. How could I possibly forget entire conversations? Events?
I have a 6 year old daughter. She asks a lot of questions. She asks questions that she knows the answers too, questions Sam and I have addressed at length. When I asked her why she was asking questions that she already knew the answers too her answer was because I want to talk. When I can’t think of something new to say I tell a story I like or I ask questions that will get your attention/get a reaction. She is a clever girl that one.
Sam frequently comes home from work complaining that his coworkers are asking him the same questions over and over. Questions he’s answered a 100 times, questions he has even created tutorials too as a reminder! Yet nearly every day someone comes to him with a question they have already asked, a question he has answered thoroughly and multiple times and each time the person seems surprised as if they were hearing his answer for the very first time! So I am not the only one who asks the same questions, has exactly the same conversations and forgets parts of their day. Isadora knows she is repeating herself, I believe adults do too sometimes but I also think that adults are probably not really paying attention. They might be asking “How?” to avoid doing something, to buy time, because they don’t have the confidence to make their own mistakes. There are countless reasons and I am betting at some point I have participated in every single one of those reasons.
When someone is abused, as I was, they don’t walk away from that unaffected. Had I walked away from years of mental, physical, and sexual torture with no consequences there would most certainly have been something wrong with me. That I was effected by the abuse is not abnormal at all. Don’t ever let anyone convince you that there is something wrong with you because you are affected.
The fact is we will always stress out because we care what happens, not just to ourselves, but those around us. I will always worry whether or not I am a good mother and that stress will in turn push me to improve. Emotions are necessary. My mom was on medication for Bipolar once that greatly dulled her emotions (she was psychopathically cold), her personality was all but gone, and she was miserable. Ordinarily my mom is very bubbly/animated and while moody at least some of those moods involve her being expressive in a positive/productive way. Her default is not homicidal Zombie. We will never get all our shit together because all that so-called shit is life.
More and more I think we are labeling normal human characteristics and reactions as disordered when in fact our minds are behaving precisely as they should do given our situation. When I was talking about my response to abuse my former therapist said I responded the best way anyone could have in that situation. Despite the fact that I blamed myself and shamed myself I had made sound choices in a very volatile situation. I doubt I will ever cut myself slack because lets face it that is also part of being human, a part that is, like it or not, essential to growth.
How crazy are we really? Aren’t we all just human? Aren’t we just trying to survive the best we can? Many of us try very hard to get along without causing others any harm but there is always a little friction in the realm of human interactions. I am not saying that we never need help, just don’t let anyone ever treat you like you are less than human. For better or worse we are all human. People might look at you three ways to Friday (like your crazy apparently that’s not a real expression) but often they are just as guilty! Because for better or worse we are all a little bit crazy.