Shake it off

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I decided to take some images so you can see the body I am so embarrassed about because it is just ridiculous for me to be so afraid of what in reality is just an average form. I realized when I was out swimming how little others care about what I look like in fact no one looked at me except for a couple of kids and they were just happy to be alive. Anyhow I had some unexpected difficulties taking these photos. I can’t zoom out my webcam and my apartment is small so I couldn’t get a full body shot. The second problem was just plan funny. It was actually very hard to find filters where I wasn’t basically invisible because I am so pale lol When I think about it probably no one can see me in high sunlight lol Originally I hadn’t planned to show my stomach but the tank I was wearing was white and again it blended right in, so I actually looked strait up naked in a barbie doll sort of way. So I switched to a black top but that blended in with other furnishings so I lifted up the top hoping that black white contrast would show that there was in fact a human being in the photos. No wonder the people I was swimming with freaked out whenever I wasn’t in the shade they couldn’t find me lol My right leg I am on my toe (lightly) and my left I am flat-footed. It looks sort of strange at the ankle because my socks are pink which is also apparently nearly the color of my amazing chameleon skin. Being so fair you can’t definition easily either which plan sucks.

I put most of my weight in my thighs. I could strangle a bear with my legs which is probably why I have never been approached by any bears. Currently my waist is pretty strait not much of a curve going on yet but “finger crossed”. I have a somewhat hard time believing I have put on 20 lbs because while I want to lose a few I think I must have looked unwell 20 lbs ago. I am short so 20 lbs is a lot of weight. That weird thing under my arm is actually my head hair (I have curly fluffy hair as you know), so not like massive arm pit hair! I do shave I promise!

On a completely different note I dropped of my registration form for school and tomorrow Sam and I are looking at 2 houses. So wish me luck!


13 responses

    • Thank you Bianca =) It has been somewhat of a shock to my system having gained 20 lbs in such a short time with thyroid problems and obesity in my family it is something I worry about. I was an overweight child and as a result I developed some problems with my knees. I am trying to strengthen the supporting muscles to ease the stress but this added weight is hurting. I know I am not overweight or anything but I also know if I drop a few I will be in less pain. I have come to terms with having big legs all the women in my family do regardless of their weight haha I wouldn’t mind a slimmer waist-line though which I can do

      • Pain is no good – especially the knees. I hope you lose it quickly and keep it off. How did it go with the house and school?

  1. Good luck with the house hunting and school! And I hope it’s not inappropriate but… OH MY GOD! YOU HAVE A GORGEOUS PHYSIQUE! If anybody did notice you, it would be to admire you! Okay, now that I’ve said that, it’s back to admiring your poetry for me. 🙂

  2. Don’t be anxious about showing your body which looks good. When I was younger, I was to shy to wear a bikini (I had the figure that would look okay in one). Now, that I’m older and less shy, I no longer have the body to wear one, lol.
    I am short, too, so I understand how gaining weight feels like actually carrying a 20 pound ball, and how it doesn’t take much of a weight gain for it to show — especially for me cuz the weight only shows up in my stomach area and a bit on my face!
    Good luck with the house hunt! I hope you find a space that feels right. And good luck with school!

    • After I had Isadora my body was in pretty bad shape so I longed to return it to its previous state but when I had that body I wasn’t happy either. It seems we are never happy with what we’ve got until we have something else we don’t want lol I literally did gain 20 lbs so it feels just like it lol I am 5’4 I am not sure your height (I am kind of short to Swedes though I am short because they are so tall) at 102 lbs I look unwell and I’d never get there because Sam would be shoveling food into me. He keeps an eye on me when I am trying to lose because I have body dysmorphia. I was 5’4 and 90 lbs in high school that was not a good look and nothing I would want to return to.

      • No, we are rarely happy with our bodies. I was 5’4 but have shrunk at bit.
        Starting in March 2011, I have these unexplained large jumps in weight literally in a few weeks. I will get close to the new higher goal weight, and bam, it will start again.
        At my heaviest during all this I had gained almost 30 pounds and weighted more than I ever had.
        Because the weight gain is unexplained, it is very hard to lose. I’ve been cycling like this for the last 3 years, and it is very depressing. Was within 5 pounds of goal week and half ago, but feel like I’ve gained 5 pounds and not all from what I ate. I hope it’s not another gain 25 pounds!

      • You must have been so tiny at 102 lbs. Because I can see all my bones when I am like that and I can’t even lie on my stomach without bruising from the protrusions. I get quite deep pockets above my clavicles deep enough to put items into literally. My pelvic region is just dreadful. I hope you are not aiming to be underweight on your weight-loss journey. Have you seen a doctor about the unexplained weight gain?

      • Yes, and I keep hearing that since I’m menopausal, it’s to be expected I’ve been post-menopausal twice and stopped hrt entirely in 2003. So the weight gain issue started in 2011 so, no, that’s NOT the reason. And, I was taking less and less medication so it wasn’t meds.
        Every time I think I’ve found the trigger, it’s not there the next time!
        Oh., don’t worry about my goal. My average weight went to 105 then 110 to 112, though due to health reasons, it dropped back down several times I was 114 when the first attack came. (I was 118 prior to that due to a drug I stopped taking — wasn’t working so why get bigger?
        So I have body image issues too.
        I hope Sam keeps you from 102! Sounds like it was painful!

      • Prepare for a novel
        From what I gather you’ve been underweight a good deal of your life and at times significantly underweight (102 lbs to 105 lbs). Of course I don’t know how old you were at that time and you may be of Asian descent in which case you might have an exceptionally small frame and light-weight bones. Fibromyalgia occurs frequently in underweight individuals in fact I personally know several underweight people suffering from this condition. People don’t realize this but being underweight is dangerous. I know the media correlates health with skinniness (even health magazines glorify emaciated bodies) but the reality is entirely different. In fact being overweight and active is a lot better for you then being underweight and sedentary. Underweight people die of the very same conditions we generally associate with obesity so they aren’t doing themselves any favors. Based on what you have said you restrict certain foods from your diet without the guidance of a Nutritionist and because of your low weight (for so much of your life) I gather that you are not consuming an adequate amount of calories so it is quite possible that some of your health problems are the result of long-term nutrient deficiencies/chronic under-eating rather than the result of an unidentified allergen. You may have food allergies which can explain both being too thin and the crazy gaining pattern but only a doctor can determine that. If you really are worried about food allergies get properly tested. Gluten isn’t really good for anyone I agree but if it is causing you to skip out on complex carbohydrates that’s a problem. If you have been under-consuming calories for a big portion of your life (which is most likely the case even if it was totally unintentional) or skipping out on certain food groups then you have slowed your metabolism down beyond what age would normally do. You are going to have to do some major damage control.

        Here are some tips to repair the damage
        Always eat breakfast
        Stay hydrated and when you wake up make sure to drink a full glass of water
        Exercise (yoga is great)
        Have a consistent sleep schedule (not getting adequate sleep is a major metabolism killer)
        Manage stress (exercise, meditation, creative expression, massage, talking out your problems etc.)
        Never ever skip meals and if possible 4-6 small meals a day (maintaining your blood sugar is key!)
        Make sure you are consuming adequate calories don’t consume a “diet” amount you need to stop dieting if you are not truly overweight and based on the numbers given I doubt you are
        BMR Women: = 655 + (4.35 X weight in pounds) + (4.7 X height in inches) – (4.7 X age)
        Activity Multiplier

        Little or No Exercise, Desk Job
        1.2 x BMR
        Light Exercise, Sports 1 to 3 Times Per Week
        1.375 x BMR
        Moderate Exercise, Sports 3 to 5 Times Per Week
        1.55 x BMR
        Heavy Exercise, Sports 6 to 7 Times Per Week
        1.725 x BMR

        Eat seaweed it is fabulous for the metabolism because it supports healthy thyroid function
        Eat low on the Glycemic Index this is another way to keep your blood sugar levels stable and it works much better than calorie counting
        Gain some muscle you have most likely lost some muscle over the years and this will slow down your metabolism I personally like lifting weights but you don’t have to lift heavy (I don’t) a light weight with a lot of reps. If you don’t like weights Pilates is good for body weight exercises and it is fabulous for your stabilizer muscles and posture. Having muscle imbalances causes pain for example if your hamstrings are stronger than your quads it can strain the knees. Those opposing muscles need to be pretty even in most people they aren’t. A lot of people have weak abs which causes lower back strain. I have strong abs and a weak back myself but the result is still crappy posture and a bad back.
        Don’t drink sugary stuff
        Try getting your calcium from sources other than dairy
        Balance your plate your plate should be: ½ veg and/or fruit, ¼ protein that is about 2-3 oz for a fem, ¼ low GI complex carbs (I love sweet potatoes myself).
        Don’t avoid fat get it from healthy sources like avocados, olives,, fatty fish, I think you have a nut allergy so I am not sure if you can eat seeds safely, dark chocolate lol

        Okay now that, that’s over phew back on track. When I was in college I had maintained a health weight for several years but then all of a sudden I started to struggle with my weight even though my lifestyle was healthy. I did the usual things mixing up my exercise routines, pushing harder in the gym but the weight kept creeping on. I was getting all kinds of frustrated so I kept upping my exercise to slow down the gain and at one point I was pushing 4 hours a day just to maintain! I went to the doctor and they took one look at me “You’re not overweight, your fine” I am not overweight because I am doing obscene amounts of exercise but they couldn’t get past my appearance even knowing I had a family history of Hypothyroidism. I knew exactly what I was eating too because I studied Nutrition in college and we had to record everything but they just would not take me seriously. I went to another doctor had my thyroid checked and lo and behold I did have Hypothyroidism. The point is this even with your extra weight I am not sure if you qualify as overweight (since you started so low, my math skills suck) so when you come in concerned about weight your doctor is comparing you to average women of your age and height (not against yourself as he should do) and quite likely you are still under average so he does not see an issue. He doesn’t care one bit about your ideal weight, he cares about where you fall on his charts period. I don’t know how long you’ve seen this doctor if you’ve only started with him recently he is only looking at you currently, not you in the past so he hasn’t seen that dramatic change you are talking about. Even if you did show him photos from a few years back as proof he might just write you off with something like menopause or age. If he has seen the underweight you he might even be relieved that you are getting to what he considers a healthier range (again he uses statistics to govern his thinking not your preferences). The way I am proportioned makes it harder to pinpoint my weight, when I tell people I have gained 20 lbs this past year (maybe 2 I have a bad concept of time) they are like no way not possible so to others your gain may not look as jaw-dropping as it looks and feels to you. I don’t know what you weigh now but I hope you are considering what is best for your body/health not what pleases your sense of aesthetics. I have body dysmorphia so every time I look at myself I see fat. Even at my skinniest and unhealthiest weights I’d look in the mirror and think a little bit more. I can’t listen to that voice I just have to accept that I have a disordered image of myself. So I just stick to my healthy range even if I feel chubby as hell.

  3. You look great! I know how it is though, to look at your own body and see a million things you need to fix, but then in the eyes of everyone else, you look just fine. (I do this all the time!) But, honestly, you really do look good. And yeah I’m one of thigh/butt gainers too. I have to hardcore pilates/yoga it off evenly to the rest of the body.

    • Thank you Susanna you are absolutely gorgeous! Right now I am doing a HIIT challenge which I have almost finished then it is on to the Pilates challenge =) I like to give myself challenges I have so many routines haha I was certified in Pilates actually and have taught yoga and Pilates but I am so shy that as much as I love it my anxiety crushes me.

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