Hair Cut

Well I did it, I got my hair cut! Maybe an inch or so past my shoulders? I might show you pictures later but right now I’m mad at my face. The hairdresser kept trying to pin my hair up but it weighs too much for the clips which is partly why I wanted to cut it because the weight of it had gotten very inconvenient/difficult. I just couldn’t manage that much hair on my own and the wear was really showing. It feels a lot better now. She did notice it is thinner on the left side because of the breakage hopefully that will heal and more importantly stop happening! I wonder if the weight was somehow contributing? I wonder if I’ve lost weight! (kidding)

Isadora thinks it has already grown since I was at the salon I am pretty sure that is impossible but if I wake up looking like I did before the haircut I will let you know :-P. Isadora was so good at salon she sat still and didn’t talk for an entire hour! I bought her a new pair of boots (she got gym shoes yesterday) and took her out to lunch. I also found the 2nd hand shop has very nice jeans for kids and adults (not just skinny!!!) for a good price they really don’t have many tops for kids (and all their shoes are from the 50s) but that will save me on pants and in the summer shorts. I think I will buy all her shorts there next year because she only gets to wear shorts for like 1 maybe 2 months so it just isn’t worth buying the overpriced ones in the mall. Plus she’s a kid it is her job to play and get dirty! I think I have replenished her wardrobe pretty well except the heavy duty winter gear. I still need to get her Michelin man suit and some long johns/thick tights.


A Biography of Hair

When I was a kid I always wore my hair long. I had strawberry blond curls and my hair was one of my favorite features.

Candice at Sheena's B-day

I wish I had a better image but it was the 80s and we didn’t own a camera

In the 3rd grade my mom let my aunt cut my hair. She was supposed to give me a trim but instead she cut my hair chin length. I hated it! By the 4th grade my hair had grown from chin length to midway down my back. My mom decided it was time for a perm. I had curly hair already and couldn’t see the point. She said it would make my curls look better and eventually drug me in to have the procedure. They had to use every curler in the entire salon! I hated my permed hair (I probably got teased a lot), so much I tried to brush it out and ended up ruining it altogether. After that I was on a campaign against curly hair and I convinced my mom in high school to have it professionally straitened (chemicals and all). In the car on the way home my hair started to curl up again, I didn’t even get to enjoy my strait hair for a full 24 hours! The procedure damaged my hair and it felt terrible. So I ended up cutting it which made me look like a little girl. I let my hair grow out again but long gone where the pretty blonde curls, it was just a frizzy, dried out mess. I cut my hair again and finally it started to grow out a little bit healthier.


In college Sam convinced me to get my hair cut into an actual style and not just loped off to shoulder length. I was so used to hair-dressers not knowing how to cut my hair that I was strait up terrified at the prospect of getting it short and styled. The hair-dresser did a really fabulous job! They say it is impossible to get a cut where you wake up good to go but this was more or less the case for me. I stayed with that hairdresser until she moved =(

Short Hair

No idea what I am doing. She worked my crazy deep waves into the style. I have a natural part that is super strait

Red Glasses

Another good short hair picture


After that my attempts at short hairstyles didn’t come out quite so well so I decided to grow it out again. I had Isadora and all the spit up and painful hair-pulling convinced me to cut it again (I didn’t have time for my hair anyways). I went to a new hair-dresser and let her pick the style. The result? My hair ended up an inch long and I looked surprisingly much like a dude. I never wear make up and the ultra short hair brought out the angles in my face. I can’t even show you a photo it is too offensive.

I have been growing it out since despite the fact that I was on a medication that absolutely ruined my hair and caused massive hair-loss. Now that I am older my hair just doesn’t grow that fast so I am more reticent to go short. My hair went from an inch long to this in about 4-5 years, as a kid that would have taken 1-2 years. I am now debating whether or not I should get my hair cut again.

Strait Hair

Strait (this my real hair color but the bright light makes it more red, sometimes my hair looks brown and sometimes weirdly blonde)

Glasses with Hair Down


Not Strait (same length but curls really shrink your hair)

Now to the creepy gross part

I have long hair and a lot of individual hairs. According to a former hair-dresser for every one hair a regular person has I have 2-4 hairs in the same follicle. So my individual hairs are thin but I have a lot of them. I shed like you wouldn’t even believe (I produce enough wookies to keep the race from extinction). I am constantly having to clean out our pipes *shudders*. Hair is very strong when it wraps around an objects and my hair is like fucking wire. I work out a lot and I have to bind it up tightly because of the weight it easily comes loose and when it hits my skin it actually feels like I am being whipped. I am not hair savvy and it is starting to look a little rough, I have a lot of broken hairs in the front.

I am thinking when we move, wherever that is, my hair is going to be a nuisance and I am worried if we get the 70’s house that I am literally going to ruin the plumping. My step dad actually bought a snake for the pipes when I was a girl because of the clogging situation. It is kind of a nightmare and Sam likes shorter hair not 1 inch short but short haha I have never gotten my hair cut short in Sweden and I haven’t really heard a lot of positive things about the hair-dressers so I am nervous. The androgen who cut my daughter’s hair did a great job but she has softer finer hair than me, her hair doesn’t frizz. My hair looks like a microphone or something. I want a feminine look because I am not that pretty and lets face it I will never wear makeup. Having shoulder length hair has in the past made me look very young but I have aged and so now I worry about looking really old instead. What to do?

Murder Switch

Self-improvement needs to be banished from my mental dictionary. Self-improvement for me has always been about banishment. I will banish these extra pounds and get a new body, a better, more desirable body. I will banish jealousy from my heart. I will banish fear from my life (which translates into I will avoid everything). Jealousy is not bad. Jealousy is an emotion one that we’ve all experienced in varying degrees. Jealousy can be a devastating/destructive emotion that translates into vile behavior but the emotion itself is not the issue, it’s the behavior. That’s great news because we can’t stop feeling but we can respond differently. We all understand the emotion vs behavior concept intellectually so I am not saying anything revolutionary here and yet most of us are still avoiding and still trying to get rid of those pesky/unwanted emotions.

I believe jealousy has a function, just as sadness teaches us gratitude and compassion, jealousy probably keeps us from getting too complacent in our relationships, it drives us to continue wooing even after we’ve acquired the desired partner. I am actually very jealous which shouldn’t surprise you given how insecure I am! When I say I am jealous that does not mean that I go around punching any girl that gives Sam the once over. I am saying I experience the emotion regularly and in variety of different scenarios not all of which are romantic.

For a long time I thought I am just going to stop being jealous but the result was the opposite. I became more jealous but because of the repression I was blind to my passive aggressive behavior. Deciding to stop having an emotional response that is uncomfortable is pretty much ignorance by definition. The problem with self-improvement and the reason I find it so debilitating is because it encourages us to oust negativity/conflict (whole parts of ourselves) rather than to look at ourselves objectively and compassionately. It also encourages us to label everyone and everything in very black and white terms. Lots of people when starting a diet completely alienate their friends and family. We become obsessed and unbalanced and accuse everyone around us of being a saboteur. You can’t get rid of conflict in your life period.

I am absolutely devastated by the amount of people who end their relationships simply because things aren’t 100% smooth sailing. Whoever told you relationships were easy when you’ve found the right person is an asshole (even if a well-meaning one). Relationships like life, take work and commitment. Sam and I had some obstacles to our getting together like 8000 miles, limited cash, and a controlling/paranoid father (not mine). We could’ve said this wasn’t meant because it is just too complicated/hard but we were willing to fight. When you have found the one everything in your life does not become perfect, you still have shit to deal with unless you drop dead shortly after. Your happiness/sadness is not someone else’s responsibility. You don’t become happy by amputating/modifying parts of your personality and/or physique either. You don’t become happier through acquisitions. Happiness I really think is just about being present and embracing whatever that moment has to offer. It’s about embracing your “youness”.

Sam has some major OCD traits. When we are standing in line at the checkout he is meticulously lining up our groceries so the bar-codes will present in the easiest possible way to the cashier. These traits can very distressing and yet as a computer programmer they are ideal. I have my share of “bad” traits many of which are absolutely essential to my writing. The reality is this if you did manage to ditch your competitiveness you might become lazy and unmotivated. Everything has a purpose. There is no life in perfection if you define perfection as being “static” as “always or never” if you define perfection “of itself so” then we are perfect just the way we are. This doesn’t mean I am amoral (though I think I might be slightly amoral. I am not immoral though.) it just means that I think self-acceptance is about facing your demons head on, once you do that self-improvement kind of takes care of itself.

I felt like I lacked the objectivity and sanity to formulate a decision. I worried that my wishes might bring misfortune to others, that they might be punished for being selfish. I had started to think of the Universe as a hostile/unforgiving place and myself as a mistake. Fear took over completely. I started to think everything was against me. If possible I made myself a little more crazy. The Universe doesn’t judge by human societal standards (does it even judge? Probably not because that would involve an ego). I believe the Universe does provide for us. I need to get my head out of the sand or out of my ass or out of whatever dark orifice it has elected to reside in.

You might be wondering why I wrote this again (didn’t I write something like this before?) it is because I needed to remind myself.

Little Successes Still Make Me Smile

I reached my first weight-loss goal and it only took a month. I lost one kilogram! I actually made some progress this week in particular. I decided to up my caloric intake. I know what you are thinking why increase your calories if you weren’t losing? I wasn’t really monitoring my calories to start just my portions and well the food itself. I have cut down a lot on sweets and am cooking a lot more, consuming less takeaways etc. add that to the increase in exercise and I figure the sudden change in my diet from what was probably something like 2700 calories to 1500 calories might have paralyzed my metabolism. We will see if the increase helps me out next week as well or if today was just a fluke. No I didn’t add back the unhealthy stuff I am just being more reasonable with my potions sizes. Sam has lost 5 or 6 kgs in 6 weeks. He is not following the same routine and is doing very light exercise a few minutes a day and has cut down sweets and takeaways. He has lost so many inches from his waistline. I have lost some off my waist/arms as well but nothing at all from my thighs.

I also finished Body Rock TV’s 30 Day Real Time Challenge (HIIT routines that sometimes exceed an hour) and let me tell you it was hard particularly for me as I have a weak upper body. I had tried this challenge several times but was never able to complete it I always had to start over due to sickness, injury, or because I simply wasn’t strong enough to level up. I am very proud of myself. I was never able to do all of the pushups in full plank (forget the one handed pushups lol) but I certainly decreased the time I spent doing them on my knees. I have just started a new challenge and look forward to comparing the results.

On another note I keep injuring my wrist and no surprisingly not from all the pushups. When I sleep I tuck my hands inward like a cat (twisting them in grievous ways, configurations you would never ever assume when awake) and then to add insult to injury I put weight on them! It is a terrible habit that has resulted in overstretched ligaments and months of pain (which is part of the reason I can’t stay in full plank and do my pushups). I think I am going to have to sleep in a wrist brace to prevent further injury. I try to catch myself in the act but that has only ruined my sleep, I guess in an effort to take the pressure off the nerves in my shoulders (I have shoulder impingement syndrome which is helped by building strength/increasing flexibility) I have started to do strange things during the night with the rest of my body. I can’t sleep on my back because it causes my hands to burn and go numb. Maybe I need to be in a full body brace during the night as so many of my worst injuries occur then. I swear sometimes I wake up feeling like I have been run over with a car. 


If you want to try the challenge yourself here is the first video



Shake it off

download (1)download (2)

I decided to take some images so you can see the body I am so embarrassed about because it is just ridiculous for me to be so afraid of what in reality is just an average form. I realized when I was out swimming how little others care about what I look like in fact no one looked at me except for a couple of kids and they were just happy to be alive. Anyhow I had some unexpected difficulties taking these photos. I can’t zoom out my webcam and my apartment is small so I couldn’t get a full body shot. The second problem was just plan funny. It was actually very hard to find filters where I wasn’t basically invisible because I am so pale lol When I think about it probably no one can see me in high sunlight lol Originally I hadn’t planned to show my stomach but the tank I was wearing was white and again it blended right in, so I actually looked strait up naked in a barbie doll sort of way. So I switched to a black top but that blended in with other furnishings so I lifted up the top hoping that black white contrast would show that there was in fact a human being in the photos. No wonder the people I was swimming with freaked out whenever I wasn’t in the shade they couldn’t find me lol My right leg I am on my toe (lightly) and my left I am flat-footed. It looks sort of strange at the ankle because my socks are pink which is also apparently nearly the color of my amazing chameleon skin. Being so fair you can’t definition easily either which plan sucks.

I put most of my weight in my thighs. I could strangle a bear with my legs which is probably why I have never been approached by any bears. Currently my waist is pretty strait not much of a curve going on yet but “finger crossed”. I have a somewhat hard time believing I have put on 20 lbs because while I want to lose a few I think I must have looked unwell 20 lbs ago. I am short so 20 lbs is a lot of weight. That weird thing under my arm is actually my head hair (I have curly fluffy hair as you know), so not like massive arm pit hair! I do shave I promise!

On a completely different note I dropped of my registration form for school and tomorrow Sam and I are looking at 2 houses. So wish me luck!

Weight Troubles

Prepare yourself for a whiny, self-deprecating rant. I have put out a good deal of weight I won’t say how much because I don’t want anyone calculating. I started out underweight and decided to gain a few pounds to get myself into the healthy range but then life happened. A lot of life from illness, to my Depression sending me on a comfort eating binge (where I consumed epic amounts of candy and takeaways), to vacations and just everything in between. During this time I did manage to workout some I mean I wasn’t a complete couch potato or anything but my fitness level did decrease.

I had some breathing issues for quite a while after my double bout with pneumonia so I was finding it hard to push without getting sick. After I took the antibiotics to clear my bacterial pneumonia (I also had viral pneumonia) my immune system was shit so I got sick many times after the pneumonia just over and over in some kind of vicious cycle. The stress of being sick so much did not help either I mean I was sick for a year and I still get sick more than I ever did. Anyone who reads my main blog will know that I contract an absurd amount of colds.

Anyways I was just very discouraged by the decrease in my fitness when I was finally able to return and never could get back into it fully. After my vacation I weighed myself and I was seriously bummed out by the results of my slacking. I am not overweight but I am above my normal healthy weight goal post and I can’t comfortably wear some of my clothes, mostly shorts and that sucks because it’s summer. I hate shorts (because I have chubby thighs/short legs and calves that men envy not very feminine but genetic my mom has literally had male bodybuilders ask her how she got such great calves so yeah) and I bought some cute shorts during my skinny period which do nothing for me now but take up closet space. My waist had gotten to be like 22 inches so I had trouble shopping for clothes and now I can shop normally which is great but I don’t feel confident with my body at all. I am just having a hard time adapting and sometimes Isadora comments on my weight gain unintentionally hurting my feelings. She really wants me to have a baby so she keeps rubbing my stomach hopefully.

Anyways I have been busting my ass for 3 weeks working out like a fucking maniac and my fitness is improving (I feel so much better than I did) but I haven’t even lost a single pound. Not a pound in 3 weeks and it just pisses me off.. I am tired of this up and down pattern and even though I have a lot of clothes I can never fully enjoy my wardrobe since the sizes are all over the place. I even keep three different sizes of bras on hand. I just want to get to my goal and stay there! I can wear the most clothes if I get there haha