For those who have known love only as entrapment you have not yet found real love.
My regular readers are likely familiar with my past, at least so much as I have disclosed. For those of you who are not familiar I was abused in different ways by both parents. I spent much of my early life hidden. I never confided in anyone and I believed myself responsible as children are so tragically inclined to do. When I met Sam and decided that he was the man I wanted to spend my life with I made the decision to tell him the truth about my past. The results were both terrifying and liberating. I had numbed myself to such an extent that I couldn’t feel physical pain. With confession came sensations that I had not known my body capable of experiencing. He didn’t blame me for what had happened and more than that he welcomed me into his heart. His acceptance has helped me forgive myself bit by precious bit.
Sam encourages me to pursue my dreams even if we don’t have the means to finance them, even if they are far-fetched and impractical. The first book I ever made, he sewed every single copy by hand. There have been times where I have blamed him for holding me back, when in truth it was I who had placed the limitations on myself. Each time I tie myself up in the knots of self-doubt and indecision he is there unraveling them. He challenges me, he forces me to look at myself honestly, and most of all he loves me, through success and through devastating failure. With him I have the courage to be myself unaltered and unadorned, the very self I spent my whole life demonizing.
Does he piss me off? Absolutely when I want to give up he’s there giving me the proverbial kick in the ass. When I just need a moment to recuperate he’s there for me whether it is a shoulder or solitude that I seek. I chose a partner who is my opposite, many find this type of friction unsettling but in truth I believe it essential to growth and yes passion. Do we fight? If fighting is discussing alternative viewpoints then yes we do. If fighting is raising our voices. Then sometimes, I raise my voice when I get excited. If I am talking about my book I practically scream with enthusiasm. As for raising our voices in anger sometimes but we don’t get into screaming matches or shout over one another. If fighting is exchanging blows verbal or otherwise then no we really don’t. Yes we offend each other on occasion being that we are different there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings and times when we take things too personally or in the wrong way but we don’t trash talk.
For me love is freedom. We have not grown into each other such that we must compete with each other for our very survival, we have grown alongside. We have our own personalities, we have dreams that overlap, and dreams that we hold as individuals. He brings me out of my shell he doesn’t stuff me kicking and screaming into another one.