Today I saw a psychiatrist and it was for medication evaluation apparently. He read my history and suspects I might have PTSD on top of the Depression, ADD, Epilepsy and all the known stuff. My history alone seemed to be reason enough to have developed it. I don’t know if I have it or not but I can’t discredit the possibility. I do have the occasional nightmare and indeed any dream in which my father is present is a nightmare but as far as nightmares go my frequency is actually average. I do have trouble falling asleep which could have to do with years of lying awake vigilant to avoid being molested. I don’t feel panicked while I am lying awake I mostly just have thoughts mulling about, all types of thoughts, but not specifically bad thoughts. I do cry hysterically/hyperventilate whenever anyone attempts to massage me, that is clearly a trigger. The result warped posture and a lot of back and neck pain. Hell I probably DO have it or at least I have unresolved issues. I don’t want to think my past is still hanging me up though. I want to get over it and move on.
Anyways the fact that I have Epilepsy (which does have psychiatric components) is making it very hard for my therapy team to separate my issues. This doctor understood significantly more about absence seizures, which is a nice change of pace. Generally I have to describe Epilepsy before I can move forward with any kind of discussion. Next up I get to see a Psychologist so I can be evaluated for PTSD or whatever else. Good luck to them! It’s not easy even I can’t work it out. The more I learn about auras the more I see how they can mimic all sorts of conditions, they can totally alter your perception. Epilepsy can cause you to hear voices and even hallucinate. It is associated with the Schizophreniform disorders because there is so much cross-over. As I have seizures and auras everyday it is very hard to know what I would look like if I could remove Epilepsy from the equation. How healthy am I underneath? I have no idea actually. I try to think of myself when I was younger and had less seizures but then I was being abused so.
As for the Disability obviously I am not eligible since I have never had a job in Sweden. However, I can go to the Social Commune (?) tell them about my financial situation and my disabilities and they may assist me but unlike Disability there is more of the assumption of permanent impairment and thus no effort toward rehabilitation. As medication does not work and I am not presently eligible for surgery (too much of my brain is involved) I may be permanently impaired I have no idea. I will work with therapy to try and rehabilitate and if I achieve a state that would allow me to gain employment I will do so, if not I will work my ass off to be a writer. I really want to see a memory specialist and a sleep specialist. I want to hit everything because I want to function to the best of my ability. I want to get the most I can out of life. Right now I am essentially a Zombie hyped up on amphetamines.