An update from your friendly neighborhood Zombie


Today I saw a psychiatrist and it was for medication evaluation apparently. He read my history and suspects I might have PTSD on top of the Depression, ADD, Epilepsy and all the known stuff. My history alone seemed to be reason enough to have developed it. I don’t know if I have it or not but I can’t discredit the possibility. I do have the occasional nightmare and indeed any dream in which my father is present is a nightmare but as far as nightmares go my frequency is actually average. I do have trouble falling asleep which could have to do with years of lying awake vigilant to avoid being molested. I don’t feel panicked while I am lying awake I mostly just have thoughts mulling about, all types of thoughts, but not specifically bad thoughts. I do cry hysterically/hyperventilate whenever anyone attempts to massage me, that is clearly a trigger. The result warped posture and a lot of back and neck pain. Hell I probably DO have it or at least I have unresolved issues. I don’t want to think my past is still hanging me up though. I want to get over it and move on.


Anyways the fact that I have Epilepsy (which does have psychiatric components) is making it very hard for my therapy team to separate my issues. This doctor understood significantly more about absence seizures, which is a nice change of pace. Generally I have to describe Epilepsy before I can move forward with any kind of discussion. Next up I get to see a Psychologist  so I can be evaluated for PTSD or whatever else. Good luck to them! It’s not easy even I can’t work it out. The more I learn about auras the more I see how they can mimic all sorts of conditions, they can totally alter your perception. Epilepsy can cause you to hear voices and even hallucinate. It is associated with the Schizophreniform disorders because there is so much cross-over. As I have seizures and auras everyday it is very hard to know what I would look like if I could remove Epilepsy from the equation. How healthy am I underneath? I have no idea actually. I try to think of myself when I was younger and had less seizures but then I was being abused so.


As for the Disability obviously I am not eligible since I have never had a job in Sweden. However, I can go to the Social Commune (?) tell them about my financial situation and my disabilities and they may assist me but unlike Disability there is more of the assumption of permanent impairment and thus no effort toward rehabilitation. As medication does not work and I am not presently eligible for surgery (too much of my brain is involved) I may be permanently impaired I have no idea. I will work with therapy to try and rehabilitate and if I achieve a state that would allow me to gain employment I will do so, if not I will work my ass off to be a writer. I really want to see a memory specialist and a sleep specialist. I want to hit everything because I want to function to the best of my ability. I want to get the most I can out of life. Right now I am essentially a Zombie hyped up on amphetamines.


25 responses

  1. What impresses me Yves is that despite all the things you se wrong, and all the limits they put on your day to day and job prospects, you still maintain a positive attitude toward your future. As I think you should, as there are other besides you who rely on you in their lives.
    I do wish you well, I can’t imagine how difficult things must be some days for you. Take care dear friend look after yourself. You are no zombie!!

  2. I never considered PTSD but given your past…it seems like a good path to walk down and explore. There is so much help out there for PTSD but I know with your epilepsy it causes more challenges. I see so many PTSD mixed with other problems at the Wounded Warrior hospital so there is hope. 🙂 Keep fighting.

    • I hadn’t really either of course I knew my past effected me I am not daft but I just hadn’t made that leap. He’d never met me prior just seeing my past apparently was enough to suggest it. I am certainly willing to explore the possibility because maybe it will help me heal

      • I know PTSD is often put with combat (and it is very real for them) but any trauma can trigger it. I am really interested to see how this turns out for you. I really hope this is a crack in the door for healing for you. 🙂

  3. You are a wonder! The more I read about what you’ve gone through, the more I WANT you to function to the best of your ability and get the most you can out of life. Like Anja says, keep fighting! Yes!

  4. I’m with Oloriel – I believe in you and I know that you’re eventually going to heal all of these wounded and scarred layers. And, by the way, I hope that you work your ass off to be a writer, because that is definitely your calling. Hugs and kisses to you xoxo

  5. PTSD doesn’t have to occur only through combat situations. I have PTSD along with severe depression. I never really understood my illness until I understood this and it made sense. I know you have been going through a very difficult time and I know that you will pull through it and rise above it.

  6. There has been a lot more study of PTSD in general (due, unfortunately to recent wars), but an offshoot has been looking at childhood abuse as the sort of trauma to trigger a PTSD response. Some mental health professionals are beginning to wonder if trauma needs to be defined by the person experiencing it — in other words, the trauma trigger for PTSD (and related issues) doesn’t have to met the “book” criteria.
    You are a Xena — despite what you must fight everyday, you are a loving mother and wife, evocative poet, inherent story-teller, and a very special person. Wishing you all the best with travels down a new path.

  7. Classes regarding mental health, understanding mental illness, self-esteem, creative writing, and helping others that are struggling, being proactive, etc. Also, meeting with the therapist and setting goals. The big thing is, this is all done in a “safe environment” and is very rewarding and fulfilling.

    • I am glad you found them helpful =) I am not sure what they will do with my because I don’t speak fluent Swedish, Sweden does have a lot of refugees so English may be a commonality if they would do group oriented therapies

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s