Trust

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Genius and torment. All humans suffer of course but how many believe that the artist must suffer above and beyond to achieve a requisite depth? Why should pain be the superior muse? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I lack emotional depth because I haven’t allowed much space for joy. Don’t get me wrong I have allowed space for gratitude. I am severely depressed but I still have my sense of wonder (possibly because I experience so much as new/mysterious). I cry when something is beautiful, I even laugh unabashedly. I have emotions.

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I have a long way to go with self-acceptance though. I feel so completely unforgivably worthless. Now this is the part I can’t explain so bare with me. Sam had a job evaluation recently, all positive. His co-workers say he works like 6 people and he really does the man is an entire army. He still sees himself as worthless. He never feels good enough. How much more could one person do? Would he achieve more without the baggage? Would he enjoy himself more? I have trouble understanding what self-acceptance means. What precisely should I be accepting? What if I am doing something harmful? Should I not to try to change? Sam can’t explain it to me because he has the same issue. I can see the positive version of some of my flaws but then some traits I just want to be rid of entirely. I am sure those undesirable aspects contain lessons even if I can’t riddle them out.

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Is it okay to get on Disability? Is that a cop out? Or is it the responsible thing to do while I work on my rehabilitation? For me the biggest thing missing is trust in myself but is it irresponsible to trust myself when my brain is the problem? This is where all my confusion comes from, this is where I get completely stupid. This is where intellect isn’t convincing enough to circumvent emotion. I have trouble seeing what has to change, what has to be accommodated, and what is actually keeping me as an individual together.

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21 responses

  1. What a fascinating mind you have.I think we all have issues with self acceptance. When I was first appointed to my last school I spent a lot of my time convinced that any day someone would come along and tell me they had made a mistake and that I was not meant to be in that school. Thankfully it didn’t happen and it wasn’t until the end of my teaching days that I realised the importance I had within the school. Maybe it’s a maturing thing, do you think?

    • I do think some of it has to do with maturity I think as we get older we get more comfortable in our own skin. There are things about myself that I found unacceptable that I no longer trouble over. I hated my hair as a kid/teenager the color, the fluffiness now I like it. That is a shallow example but it is clear and easy to follow so lol Living such a long time with a serious undiagnosed condition tore me down. I got diagnosed a few years ago and there is still a lot that is a mystery. Not having a dependable doctor during that time has made it a real challenge. I get to see my new doctor this month and I am keeping my fingers-crossed

  2. I do not see getting on Disability as a cop out. It is a way to help yourself! You do what is best for you and your family because in the end, those are the only people that matter. You are not one to look for an easy way out. All you have overcome is proof of that.

  3. How I wish I could stand boldly and explain…
    I dont think getting on Dissability would be a cop-out, I think if it would help you in any way, it is an ok thing to do. You would love to work and everything, so the bad examples are most definitely not for you.

  4. I don’t see the problem with you going on disability while you get yourself sorted out. You obviously need to find a job where writing is the main focus, it is your strength and passion. There are loads of writing jobs but searching them out will take time. What was your major in college? Perhaps investing in a class that allows for experience along with it would be worthwhile.

  5. Yves, I believe that if you could get on disability, you will have a better chance of getting your life and your mind back together. I know you are under a lot of stress right now which makes emotional healing practically impossible. I also think that disability payments would take enough stress off of you that you could concentrate on writing your book. Once that is accomplished and on the bestseller (:D) list, you will never have to depend on disability again. Have you ever considered that your mental illness is simply a book that is trying to get out? The more I read your posts and writings, the more I believe that is the case.

    • Basically I am pregnant lol A best-seller that would be fabulous. I have written the book it is being edited. I have some dissociative problems I don’t talk about so much here and which honestly I have not dealt with as I should do. I am going to attempt to talk about then today, I attempted to a little in the previous session with another therapist but I just couldn’t fully own divulge now I need to

      • LOL! I didn’t even think about it in that way but now that I reread what I said, I could see that it could be taken that way. That is awesome you have written a book! Speaking for myself only, the more I could open up to my therapist, the more he could help me. However, I often was too ashamed of my mental illness that I didn’t open up as much as I should have. I regret that now. Could luck with your new therapist! I hope you are comfortable and pleased with him/her.

  6. Your openness about this is disarming, and I mean that in a good way.

    You see, there are things about myself that I just can’t (won’t?) accept. For instance, my appearance (particularly my face) is something that I’ve never come to terms with, and I’m beginning to see how much I’ve let that affect every area of my life. That frightens me. I don’t know what to do about it.

    Seeing that you’re getting help and that you’ve not been knocked down for the count is encouraging. It means that maybe, just maybe, if I keep up with this therapy thing I might learn to look at myself a different way. I just might crawl out of this.

    Not that you ever intended to be, but I think you are an inspiration to anyone who reads your words – myself included. I hope you keep being honest and that you keep writing.

    • Tony that is a tremendous compliment. Do you have body dysmorphia? I personally like your face I know that doesn’t solve anything because I have my own issues with appearance that can’t be complimented away. Thank you so much Tony =)

      • I’m unsure if I have that or not. I do know what it is, but I don’t know if that applies to me. I actually have a misshapen face and it’s quite noticeable, hence the clever camera angles I usually try to find whenever I take selfies. (Why I take selfies, I don’t know either?)

        Having said that, it’s kind of you to compliment me on my appearance. From what I’ve seen of you, I like your face too (and your hair!), but I totally get what you mean by body issues not being easily complimented away. 🙂

      • Personally I like faces that are unique and asymmetrical. Thank you! I didn’t like my hair as a kid. I would look at the other girls with their shiny silky hair and want that instead. My hair that feels enough like an animal that I have had people stroke my hair while reminiscing about lost pets (mostly dogs and horses). Now though I think my hair doesn’t get stringy or greasy that’s effing awesome

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