Genius and torment. All humans suffer of course but how many believe that the artist must suffer above and beyond to achieve a requisite depth? Why should pain be the superior muse? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I lack emotional depth because I haven’t allowed much space for joy. Don’t get me wrong I have allowed space for gratitude. I am severely depressed but I still have my sense of wonder (possibly because I experience so much as new/mysterious). I cry when something is beautiful, I even laugh unabashedly. I have emotions.
I have a long way to go with self-acceptance though. I feel so completely unforgivably worthless. Now this is the part I can’t explain so bare with me. Sam had a job evaluation recently, all positive. His co-workers say he works like 6 people and he really does the man is an entire army. He still sees himself as worthless. He never feels good enough. How much more could one person do? Would he achieve more without the baggage? Would he enjoy himself more? I have trouble understanding what self-acceptance means. What precisely should I be accepting? What if I am doing something harmful? Should I not to try to change? Sam can’t explain it to me because he has the same issue. I can see the positive version of some of my flaws but then some traits I just want to be rid of entirely. I am sure those undesirable aspects contain lessons even if I can’t riddle them out.
Is it okay to get on Disability? Is that a cop out? Or is it the responsible thing to do while I work on my rehabilitation? For me the biggest thing missing is trust in myself but is it irresponsible to trust myself when my brain is the problem? This is where all my confusion comes from, this is where I get completely stupid. This is where intellect isn’t convincing enough to circumvent emotion. I have trouble seeing what has to change, what has to be accommodated, and what is actually keeping me as an individual together.