The Brain that Consumed Itself


Kansuke Yamamoto

Increasingly I find myself getting into fights with cashiers because I can’t read the monitor even though I can physically see it, the numbers are just incomprehensible. Isadora spoke to me the last time I was checking out and the distraction caused me to just toss my money into the air. Sam likes to show me funny pictures online that I don’t get the jokes because I take them too literally is normal and doesn’t worry me in the slightest, the fact that I can’t identify the picture is what has me troubled (I am not talking about illusion pictures but normal photographs). Sam will show me a man in a parachute I will see two pumas in a cocktail bar (real example). Over and over again I find myself staring at images perplexed. Yes I have been to the eye doctor multiple times now and it doesn’t seem to be my eyes.


My confusion is getting worse.

Yesterday (or the day before by the time you read this) when I was looking for today’s therapy appointment. I found a previous appointment notice from Juli 2013. I had called the psychologist a few days previous to cancel that appointment (yes the one that was a year old). They told me I wasn’t scheduled for an appointment, they had no idea what I was talking about in fact. I became belligerent again. Why the hell can’t they keep track of my appointments? I was so angry. They made me another appointment assuming that’s what I wanted. The thing is when I picked up the old appointment I didn’t immediately think oh man I tried to cancel a year old appointment I thought why on earth did I cancel an appointment that wasn’t until July. I showed Sam and he cleared up my misunderstanding. That’s not the end of this story. I told Sam he had to take Isadora to school so I could go to my appointment today. He made arrangements but when I checked the appointment again before bed I realized I had made another reading error. Ironically when I got to the doctor’s office after ½ hour of jogging through the city completely lost and dazed I found out that they had sent me the wrong appointment time to start! They sent me home with another appointment I got lost on the way home as well.


All I can say is that I have had this weird tension in my head not a headache exactly. Just tightness. I find this tightness to be worse on the left side. In fact most of time my head feels great on the right side though when I look to the right I get very dizzy. Which doesn’t really sound abnormal in the slightest it sounds like stress. Sam says it is postural, muscular tension but I am not sure if muscular tension causes you to see an orange as a lady bug lamp. I notice I am not catching what people say either I have had to say huh so much no one wants to talk to me =( I almost threw up on the tram today because of a strong odor that no one else seemed to notice (I have no idea if they could smell it or not because they didn’t do anything revealing). My senses are off and I am having trouble sleeping. Whenever I do sleep my dreams are vivid, nonsensical, and fast-paced. My pupils haven’t indicated heavy seizure activity, stroke or anything else but I am losing a lot of time. Hours just vanish, days just poof, weeks, months dissolving. I guess I am really really tired. PS My posture sucks (according to Sam most of my problems including Epilepsy have to do with bad posture). It doesn’t matter what health concern I come to him with he’s always checking my back for clues. In his defense I do believe a lot of problems are caused by bad posture (most likely the tension in my head) and poor circulation but it cracks me up sometimes because he says it for everything. Hallucinations? Stand up straight woman for fuck’s sake.

15 responses

  1. Have they tried anti-depressants on you? They sure do help me! Trust me, if you can take them, and your doctor orders them, you will be so much happier and clear headed. I have a chemical imbalance, and it sure sounds to me like you have that too. My life began to change once they got me on the right anti-depressant. It may take several to find the one right for you, and the dosage, etc.

    • I have multiple times and the results weren’t good. I became more emotional, more suicidal and self-destructive, and more superstitious/magical-thinking. I also became more explosively angry. Now at least if I get mad I don’t tend to lose myself in the same way. On anti-anxieties I became more disconnected, I didn’t feel real it was an intense devastating sense of complete aloneness. I felt on the verge of death like I couldn’t even keep my own spirit in my body. On ADD meds I did feel more alert and in many ways better but my heart rate was concerning high and the doctors thought it unsafe. Bipolar meds I slept 16 hour days and broke out in an allergic rash. Anti-psychotics seemingly nothing happened. I guess I would be more likely to try those again because at least it wasn’t full on negative

  2. Oh wow. I’m not going to click “Like” on this because then it would imply that I like what’s happening to you, right? I hope your next appointment is all correct and accounted for, and that they keep it!

  3. I hope you start feeling better soon and that all those appointements get sorted.
    I know posture does not solve everything, but to my surprise, it does help me when I have good posture with my migraines.

  4. I have similar problems. Its like my senses don’t work. I have the dizziness as well (benign postural form) that comes and goes. I have begun with cognitive impairment and I now take a medication to help my hypocampus work better. I think you need to see a memory Dr and get your perception issues diagnosed. Do you recognize faces of people you know (like Isadora)? Your case is worse than mine, but I understand the frustration of getting lost and all of it. Living through a veil is beyond frustrating and makes me want to give up at times.

    • I was supposed to see a memory Dr. but my Neurologist I guess forgot to schedule it because it never happened. People don’t take memory problems seriously when you are in your 30s.. I do recognize my family thankfully. I do, however, mix up things I can’t tell sometimes what part of Sam I am looking at. I keep mixing his back and chest up he has hair on his chest and not on his back (thank god lol) it shouldn’t be rocket science but I stare at him sometimes totally stumped. Do your hypocampus meds help? I am thinking my seizure could be targeting my occipital or something or that I could have a little lesion

      • I think you need an MRI. My medication does help some with short term memory issues. There is a supplement that was studied in double blind trial that apparently is better than ADHD meds, depression meds for attention and memory. I have ordered it to try. If you want, I will let you know how it works for me. It is full of amino acids, vitamins and minerals. The theory is that some people’s brains may not be absorbing amino acids well and the symptoms are a sign of deficiency. I can send you the article if you send your email. Something is really wrong if you cannot recognize body parts. Can you call and ask them for the referral and tell them what is going on?

  5. Not to sound alarmist, but there is definitely something going on. The cognitive issues such as memory problems can be caused by a variety of factors, many already mentioned. But, the “mixing” up of messages between your eyes and your brain is something that some doctor should take seriously. Doesn’t mean something serious is wrong — it could be related to seizures, occipital problems, but should be checked out with an MRI, etc. If the new neurologist doesn’t take you seriously, or give you a referral if she doesn’t know, then find another neurologist. Sooner or later, you will find should find one who will look into it further.
    Someone having memory issues in their 30s should be taken seriously! That’s not when these kinds of cognitive problems should be appearing. I do hope your new neurologist has some insight — if seizures can cause occipital problems, then this aspect really should be checked. Fingers crossed that you get some explanations, etc. and that the situation is corrected.
    And, don’t slouch! My poor posture is now causing physical pain issues and I should have listened to my mother who constantly told me to stand up straight (she didn’t when she was younger and had problems similar to the ones I now have.)
    Good luck on the 24th.

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