I line them up like toy soldiers
They hasten to the rule of three
Until shoulderless heads
Incapable of bearing mishap
Every year I undergo the agonizing process of phrenic and spiritual demolition by which I attempt to remake myself into a more manageable and deserving character. Rather then discard a bad habit, I reject the self responsible for indulging in said habit. I never learn from my mistakes because I am either dead or in the process of dying. A resolution to shed 5 pounds quickly escalates into a resolution to tackle every issue I have surrounding food simultaneously. If I am not perfect I am simply not good enough. If I am lucky I manage to catch up to the self of the previous year but I never achieve lasting success with my resolutions as they are always borne from self-hatred. This year I vow to start from where I am. To work with my current self as opposed to some lofty and capricious construct of self. The last thing I need is another ego to feed. I vow to break my goals down into manageable steps and take those steps one at a time.
A vast majority of my goals are metaphysical in nature. I’ve found such goals to be completely unachievable in the absence of action because on their own they lack structure and coherency. What is happiness precisely? So far thinking myself healthy has been largely ineffective. What I need are concrete goals that will allow me to actualize my higher spiritual self. My goals this year are more task-oriented. Do A and B to get to C. As opposed to reinvent the alphabet. I keep doggedly trying to repair what isn’t broken. Each day I will write a list with a few tasks to tackle rather than sit about waiting for spontaneous mastery.