November 26 2013

Eloise Fornieles's the Deep Waters of SleepArt By: Eloise Fornieless

My injury has left me feeling more despondent than usual. Faced with both Epilepsy and mental illness I already face a significant amount of obstacles and limitations. I find joy in the contributions I am able to make for my family, though they number far fewer than I would like. I can’t but feel that Sam and Isadora deserve more. Though it is selfish, I want to be the one to provide them with “more” only I never seem competent or well enough to do so. I am not sure good intentions are enough. I am not sure my heart is enough. No matter how indefatigable their love I will always worry that one day I will lose them. They have every reason and every right to leave. When will “I” cease being synonymous with burden?

*

Right now Sam and I are looking at houses and I keep thinking if only I could drive we’d have more options. If only I had a job we’d have less financial constraints. We’ve not found anything yet and our prospects are very limited. I am the reason for those limitations. Sam has chronic pain and severe Depression and he’s achieved so much in life. Aside from graduating from college I feel I’ve achieved very little. I hope to God the mold that made me was destroyed because it failed to produce a viable human being.

*

I haven’t mastered optimism yet, I still feel like this more often than not and what a useless mood it is! On another note I wonder if I am not falling asleep during my longer fade outs such as when I am mindlessly vacuuming with my eyes closed. Many times I’ve been startled by someone asking me if I am asleep. I am not sure how I don’t fall over if I am asleep but I had a cousin who did nod off all the time while standing up. I fell asleep once in a handstand! I did end up with some serious bruises and nearly gave myself a heart attack besides. I’ve started to wonder if I don’t have some problem with sleep? When I go to the therapist fuck all else I am going to inquire about sleep. A lack of sleep leads to seizures, illness, memory issues, mental health issues (when I don’t sleep I become extremely violent toward myself) and just a general inability to focus. How on earth will I become healthy and productive without sleep? So that is what I am going to talk about even if it makes look like a crazy person.

 

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8 responses

  1. You are a beautiful person, it is always hard toread when you are being hard on yourself.
    I also think you should talk about sleep. Sleep deprivation can cause many bad effects on both the body and the mind and enhance other things you are already expiriencing.

  2. The condition you are inquiring about is called narcolepsy. You may want to look it up. I feel for you, my physical limitations and illnesses are constricting for me as well. I want to do and BE so much MORE.

    • I have considered Narcolepsy but the thought of being both Narcoleptic and Epileptic is not a happy one. I have asked to be signed up for a sleep study I am hoping it is more mild and manageable of a problem.

      • Yes, one can certainly fall asleep over and over during the day if sleep deprived, and a happier solution. I have sleep apnea and felt much improved after CPAP, although my pain and restlessness/racing thoughts did not improve. At least I can breathe now! There are so many multifactorial reasons for sleep arousal, and CPAP only took care of obstruction, and only partially. I rely on meds for the rest. I hope they will approve the study for you, anyone who falls asleep during the day is not normal outside of childhood.

      • My mom has sleep apnea as well I remember she snored very loudly, always fell asleep sitting up, but couldn’t fall asleep totally reclined. I don’t snore (according to hubbie) and I do sleep lying down. I do sometimes wake up with my nasal passages and mouth so incredibly dry that I gag and can’t swallow. That happens only if the air is too dry. It doesn’t happen to my husband who sleeps in the same room though, in some apartments I’ve needed humidifiers because it feels like I am dry drowning if that makes sense.

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