My injury has left me feeling more despondent than usual. Faced with both Epilepsy and mental illness I already face a significant amount of obstacles and limitations. I find joy in the contributions I am able to make for my family, though they number far fewer than I would like. I can’t but feel that Sam and Isadora deserve more. Though it is selfish, I want to be the one to provide them with “more” only I never seem competent or well enough to do so. I am not sure good intentions are enough. I am not sure my heart is enough. No matter how indefatigable their love I will always worry that one day I will lose them. They have every reason and every right to leave. When will “I” cease being synonymous with burden?
Right now Sam and I are looking at houses and I keep thinking if only I could drive we’d have more options. If only I had a job we’d have less financial constraints. We’ve not found anything yet and our prospects are very limited. I am the reason for those limitations. Sam has chronic pain and severe Depression and he’s achieved so much in life. Aside from graduating from college I feel I’ve achieved very little. I hope to God the mold that made me was destroyed because it failed to produce a viable human being.
I haven’t mastered optimism yet, I still feel like this more often than not and what a useless mood it is! On another note I wonder if I am not falling asleep during my longer fade outs such as when I am mindlessly vacuuming with my eyes closed. Many times I’ve been startled by someone asking me if I am asleep. I am not sure how I don’t fall over if I am asleep but I had a cousin who did nod off all the time while standing up. I fell asleep once in a handstand! I did end up with some serious bruises and nearly gave myself a heart attack besides. I’ve started to wonder if I don’t have some problem with sleep? When I go to the therapist fuck all else I am going to inquire about sleep. A lack of sleep leads to seizures, illness, memory issues, mental health issues (when I don’t sleep I become extremely violent toward myself) and just a general inability to focus. How on earth will I become healthy and productive without sleep? So that is what I am going to talk about even if it makes look like a crazy person.