November 22 2013

alex stoddard photos 1 IIHIH

Yesterday I received a very strange letter in the mail, an appointment to my referred psychologist. If you recall I asked my former psychologist to reschedule the initial meeting for a later date but was denied. I wasn’t simply denied I was informed that all services would stop and if I wanted to pursue therapy in the future I would have to start the process over. I don’t know if my former psychologist had a change of heart. Maybe she reread my email and understood something she’d misinterpreted about my request? Maybe the referred psychologist was not made aware of my discontinued services? I am not sure if I will be attending this meeting alone. The original plan was to attend with my former psychologist but that would be pretty awkward now. I’ve not heard anything from her since so it seems unlikely, more likely I will go in alone. I am not sure how much this new doctor will know about me (this girl is a flight risk). I am a little unsure how I feel. I still have my reservations about therapy and I am still scared witless at the prospect of undressing emotionally in front of a stranger. Nevertheless, I feel it is a second chance and I at least ought to talk to the woman face to face encase she would have something to offer. Last night I hardly slept even though the meeting is next Friday (I have other worries too).


On an entirely different note. Writing for me is a very messy process. I tend to write multiple pieces simultaneously. I open countless windows and leave my finished works unsaved amongst countless other poems, stories, phrases, and stanzas. Given enough time I forget which poems I’ve shared and which stanzas/phrases I’ve utilized. No one could make sense of the mess. Half finished ideas sit around fermenting, rather promising poems/stanzas go overlooked for months. At one point I had 30 windows open. A single document could be as much as 20 pages long. The horror! Since adopting Sylvia Plath’s philosophy I refuse to delete and continue to work on my fragments until I produce a poem. I am proud to announce that currently I only have 7 pages! The longest document is 8 pages. Yes I know it is still terrible but the amount of work I’ve done is formidable. I’ve made poems out of phrases that I’ve written in the grips of writer’s block, low quality, seemingly potentionless snippets that have sometimes produced my favorite pieces. I used to delete and throw away more than ¾ of my work. What I didn’t delete was often lost due to poor organization. I don’t think I will ever be organized (I am saving more frequently though!) but I no longer give up at the slightest pinch of writer’s block or discouragement. I challenge myself and I persevere. I desperately need to update Open Office hence the italics for some reason my Open Office documents copy italicized even if the do not appear italicized in the original document.



10 responses

  1. I hope everything goes well with this appointment. It does sound confusing and hope it all works out. I want you to get the help you feel you need. You always send me so many wonderful hugs so I doing the same for you. 🙂
    No matter your writing process, it produces some wonderful pieces. I just love getting lost in your words.

    • I am very confused about the whole situation but hopefully it will be good. Awww thank you, you are such a sweetie I could squeeze all the stuffing out of you haha Thanks so much I am really loving the philosophy though it has done wonders for me in so many respects

  2. I hope the appointement goes good. I really think the psychologist misstreated you and I am hoping she will ralise it and correct her work.
    About the poems, I am very well organised, but sometimes I really don’t know when to stop writing.

      • I wish i could get better at keeping it short! I always have the feeling when I am giving something to someone to read , they see the lenght and they just sigh XD I even had a nickname because of this in elementary school, because my essays would always be minimum 3 pages long for the assignement, while the school and class norm was barely 1 side of a pge.

  3. Good luck with your appointment. I don’t know the whole story, but is there someone who could go with you to provide support for the initial meeting. The person might just sit with you, but at least you will not be “alone” throughout the whole process.
    As to writing — less than 5 % of what I write ever even makes it to a draft post. And, about 80% of what I write in my head hasn’t made it to paper or computer yet. My mind and my computer files and folders are swollen with snippets of poems, a snatch of a character study, a potential blog post on whatever, or where my mind goes when I drift.
    I hope we will get to read some of what you’ve been doing with your stanzas and phrases and words.

    • I don’t get everything from my head on paper unfortunately but I do share the poetry that I get typed with you guys. So you have seen the work I am referring too everyday lol Right now with therapy all I want to focus on is sleep. I am having a very difficult time getting restful sleep and without it nothing else is working or can work I’d imagine. Right now that is just all I want

      • I understand the need for restful, revitalizing sleep. I have sleep issues, to. It’s not insomnia — it’s just that I rarely sleep more than 2 hours. Then I start waking up. I try to go back to sleep by drifting, but sometimes that just doesn’t work. So, I eventually get up and write. I usually don’t take anything for sleeping , but if it’s been a while, I might take a legit combo of meds that do tend to help me sleep.
        I’m so out of touch with other peoples’ lives. How are you doing sleep wise?

      • I’ve always struggled to fall asleep, no matter how exhausted I am when I go to bed and no matter how relaxed my mood is it invariably takes me 1 hour or so to fall asleep. I have a relaxing nighttime routine so I don’t got to bed worked up or anything. Once I fall asleep I tend to wake up frequently and each time it takes me a while to settle not a full hour usually (sometimes). When I do actually sleep I tend to sleep so deeply that people will check me for signs of life (when I was in the hospital they ran in with crash carts that is how deep I sleep) lol I don’t move if I do sleep through the night I will have slept in the same position and thus be in pretty intense pain on waking! I can’t sleep in at all and if I do I suffer from intense sleep paralysis and will not be able to wake by myself. When I wake no matter if I slept poorly or if I seemingly slept alright I wake up exhausted. I act like a person who does not sleep I am confused, forgetful, clumsy, and in a fog most of my day. If I go too long without sleep I get extremely violent against myself. I nod off in the day and have fallen asleep mid activity. If I try to stay awake at night I will just fall asleep. I mean I can be in a noisy bar with people chatting to me and just nod off. Which is strange because at night in bed if there is any noise at all I struggle to sleep. When I was younger and friends would keep me up at night I would become absolutely debilitated. I remember one instance where I was having breakfast and I could not operate the spoon to feed myself. I was so confused, I fell asleep in the chair and then onto the floor. The crash woke me up and I started laughing hysterically than fell asleep again. At that point I was just put to bed and I slept for 48 hours. Other times I fall asleep doing things but don’t fall down I just sort of mindlessly slump and continue the movement but very lazily. I assume I am not sleeping well because why else would I fall asleep and lose so much time and be so tired?

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