November 13 2013

surrealism01

I prefer silence to the weaponization of words. If I “pretend” it is only that I might slip away unimpeded. My belly is full of raw, undigested stimuli, I am sick with worry. I had thought it possible, even necessary, to overcome my reservations about therapy in order to achieve a rather ambiguously defined state of “mental health”. I’ve spent years researching and yes even brainwashing myself in order to get to the point where I could commit myself whole-heartedly to the process. Hope involves, at times, a complete detachment of all rational faculties. I believe hope can sometimes lead to insanity. If I keep doing X, Y will surely happen despite consistent evidence to the contrary. I am most assuredly insane. I am also more hopeful than most. I am just as quick to seek out the negatives in a situation as I am the positives.

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I only know of one person who has benefited from therapy. There are far more nightmares than miracles it seems. Some problems simply do not have cut and dry solutions. I believe that I can change, that I can heal, that I can succeed. I haven’t given up. I am just very skeptical that the type of therapy offered is of any use whatsoever.

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The lack of depth in “therapeutic” conversations is something I find immensely disturbing. The emphasis is on small talk and routine. On symptom management without inquiry into the underlying cause. The focus on medication is a prime example, as therapy often ceases with the administration of psychotropics. I have been reminded countless times to keep the conversation light. To think less. To feel less. To avoid heavy and complex discussions. To talk only about my day to day schedule. I am sure I could find someone to talk with free of charge if all I wanted and/or needed was to have a chat about the weather. I hate small talk and chances are if we ever meet I would embarrass the hell out of you.

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I do not like having my feelings trivialized. Normal is much too subjective. What precisely constitutes normal? I find that when I talk about my struggles and feelings I get “That’s normal” a lot. Of course it is, it is normal to suffer. Human’s suffer but when I am telling someone my feelings and they dismiss or write them off in order, I am guessing to comfort me, it diminishes the significance of my experience. I have enough trouble opening up without having to decide what is important or worthy enough to mention. I do not want to have compete with all of humanity every time I open my mouth.

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I could go on, as my concerns and grievances are numerous. Right now I am too volatile to attend a therapy session. I need a time out. I have turned my rage inward. There is scarcely a moment of reprieve as I agonize from one session to the next. I’ve had an eye twitch since my last visit (a week plus). This is the first time I have developed a significant motor tick because of anxiety. I find myself happy only when exercising and in order to sleep I find that I must exercise nearly to breaking point. I am skipping my rest day just to avoid the insomnia it represents. I am withdrawn. Disconnected. Overwhelmed. I am in a state of alarm 24/7. I have always been the sort to face my demons. Being told to turn away and close my eyes goes against everything I believe in. Even my poetry has suffered, the staccato rhythm is like a fucking SOS.

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I asked my therapist to reschedule and she stated, rather emphatically, that it is not possible but the issue isn’t up for debate. There are some things I need to work out before I can even engage in a meaningful and productive conversation.

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2 responses

  1. I’m glad that there are some people who can find benefit from therapy; though for me, it hasn’t proven so successful either. Not to say that my experience was bad, because the lady I talked to was very nice to me. I felt like a lot of what she said was a lot of common sense (more sleep, more exercise, etc.). Which yes, I needed to be reminded of those things once. But I didn’t feel like it was affecting me all that much. 😦 I tried going to three sessions last year, and I can only think of a few reasons why it didn’t work. Either therapy isn’t for me in general, or maybe I should consider trying another counselor.
    Have you ever tried support groups? I was just curious, because that’s another idea I had in mind. =]

    • I have met some nice therapists and some not so nice therapists but in the end I haven’t found what I’d hoped to find. If you’ve only tried one counselor it might be helpful to seek out another. Maybe try and find one with a different focus/philosophy. Like a Jungian or a behavioral therapist or what not. Maybe they don’t even specialize like that anymore lol Where I live they seem to subscribe to the same philosophy and it is the philosophy I have issues with because I really don’t see how small talk is going to help me progress in a meaningful way. Not that my conversational skills couldn’t use a signiicant amount of polishing but I want to tackle heavier issues. I haven’t tried group therapy the thought alone terrifies though I can certainly see how it is beneficial. I am living in Sweden and my Swedish language skills are not great so I think a group setting would be too challenging for everyone involved.

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