November 1 2013

surreal-paintings-moki-surreal-painting-4

Today I have spent most of my time in the bathroom. Suffice to say I’ve felt better. I am not sure if I have a virus/parasite/bacterial infection/absence of vital digestive flora/food allergy or if I’ve developed IBS. I am contemplating going to the doctor as I have had this problem on and off for almost 8 months. And no I haven’t lost any weight, in fact, this year I’ve put on weight!!! I used to have a very slim waist line but now I find my midsection is very strait and sometimes painfully bloated/hard.

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I’ve had a hard time concentrating and find that when I write my ideas are being cut off before they can fully develop. I am not sure if it’s the physical strain of my illness and the resulting seizures or if it is a more insidious psychological issue. It’s like every one of my muses has undergone elective amputation. Each time I regard them I sense that something essential is missing. Perhaps they are simply unformed or disfigured such that I cannot decipher their orientation or intentions? I don’t have enough wool to make a sweater or even a sensible pair of gloves. My head is tragically, disconcertingly overflowing with amorphous microscopic fibers. I am proud of the writing I’ve done and more so of my commitment and discipline but I can’t help but feel that there is, inherent in my work, some unforgivable vacancy.

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In the past year I have learned so much about myself and I have found a contentment which I had not previously known but there is still within me a fatal disconnect. My brain is full of dark rooms and faulty fuses. It seems to me that every thought/sentiment is a pair of nylon stockings ripping on ingress. I am exhausted and motivated at the same time. I am producing but not to whatever, most likely nonsensical, standard I’ve set.

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8 responses

  1. You should really go see a doctor about the stomach :/ I would not want anything serious to hurt you and trouble you :/
    I am really hoping both youa nd your husband feel better soon

    • Just finished today’s entry I have been so busy maybe not normal people busy but for me insanely busy. I am really struggling at the moment with the whole idea of a doctor I am tired of having to prove I am sick or that I need help.

      • I know how you feel. I was missdiagnosed or ignored so many times I absolutely dread going to the doctor. But when you are worried about someone it hurts you gotta recommend them that, knowing it is most probubly the only way in which they can be helped.
        I really wish they would take care of you, and every other being that is their patient for whatever.

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