November 27 2013

I will be putting this blog on hold in order to focus on my primary blog Mindlovemisery. Right now I am sorting through my older poems and revising them/saving them (I haven’t saved many of them to my new computer). This is a massive undertaking as I have made a huge number of posts!  I will continue posting daily to Mindlovemisery so if you miss me you know where to find me =)

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November 26 2013

Eloise Fornieles's the Deep Waters of SleepArt By: Eloise Fornieless

My injury has left me feeling more despondent than usual. Faced with both Epilepsy and mental illness I already face a significant amount of obstacles and limitations. I find joy in the contributions I am able to make for my family, though they number far fewer than I would like. I can’t but feel that Sam and Isadora deserve more. Though it is selfish, I want to be the one to provide them with “more” only I never seem competent or well enough to do so. I am not sure good intentions are enough. I am not sure my heart is enough. No matter how indefatigable their love I will always worry that one day I will lose them. They have every reason and every right to leave. When will “I” cease being synonymous with burden?

*

Right now Sam and I are looking at houses and I keep thinking if only I could drive we’d have more options. If only I had a job we’d have less financial constraints. We’ve not found anything yet and our prospects are very limited. I am the reason for those limitations. Sam has chronic pain and severe Depression and he’s achieved so much in life. Aside from graduating from college I feel I’ve achieved very little. I hope to God the mold that made me was destroyed because it failed to produce a viable human being.

*

I haven’t mastered optimism yet, I still feel like this more often than not and what a useless mood it is! On another note I wonder if I am not falling asleep during my longer fade outs such as when I am mindlessly vacuuming with my eyes closed. Many times I’ve been startled by someone asking me if I am asleep. I am not sure how I don’t fall over if I am asleep but I had a cousin who did nod off all the time while standing up. I fell asleep once in a handstand! I did end up with some serious bruises and nearly gave myself a heart attack besides. I’ve started to wonder if I don’t have some problem with sleep? When I go to the therapist fuck all else I am going to inquire about sleep. A lack of sleep leads to seizures, illness, memory issues, mental health issues (when I don’t sleep I become extremely violent toward myself) and just a general inability to focus. How on earth will I become healthy and productive without sleep? So that is what I am going to talk about even if it makes look like a crazy person.

 

November 25 2013

girlwolf

Another day and I am still in pain. When I first woke there seemed absolutely no change from yesterday but during my morning yoga I noticed I could tilt my pelvis again! Not much but a significant improvement from the Sims elder positioning it had assumed. I can also lay on my back and lift my hips slightly higher than before. In light of my new mobility I did a 30 minute low impact workout. Very simple exercises executed in a very slow and controlled manner. The session was successful and easier weirdly than walking Isadora to school this morning. I found walking challenging because of the spasms and the uneven terrain. I am hoping desperately that I will be able to workout more normally tomorrow. My knee is still killing me, last night I woke up screaming. I simply cannot have my leg in a bent position. The problem is I tend toward a fetal position when sleeping hence the screaming as I tried painstakingly to straiten out a locked joint. I have always had problems with that knee and I did go to the doctor about it once in high school but they said there was nothing wrong so I’ve more or less ignored the offensive joint ever since. When it hurts too much I go low impact with my exercises and once in a while I take painkillers. Maybe its a psychosomatic pain? During pregnancy the pain was so extreme I vomited and passed out from it, it’s a very intense persistent sort of psychosomatic pain.

*

In light of my injuries I am not able to do as much as I would like so I decided to try this challenge I found at Annell’s Blog. I thought the list was especially challenging!

 

Use at least 3 of the following words

Ideogram

Remora (had to look this one up)

Casket

Eclipse

Selfie (I just couldn’t)

Wretch

*********************

I let diamonds dissolve

Underneath my tongue

A chilling dirge

Replayed

In feverish clicks

A remora,

These electronic poems,

Find and feed

Upon countless hosts

Does my ego eclipse

My muse?

Vacuous or ideographic

Do my words

Fold conscientiously

Like an origami casket?

Or do they extend

Into the dreams

Of those with whom

They resonate?

Am I the same wretch

That bereft of heart

Hollowed out page

After page

Of fanatical self portrait

Or does my art source now

From a deeper well?

November 24 2013

pain

After a full 8 hours of semi sleep my back does feel better. Not out for a run better but I have greater mobility. I did yoga this morning and I was able to get a pop, I don’t feel that it has been completely reset by any means but it’s a start. All is not on course as I have developed a secondary injury. Because of the location of my subluxation (which it turns I did have) my nerves are being impinged. I am having intense muscle spasms in my left leg, so intense that I’ve now pulled most of the muscles in said leg (my leg is getting a workout without any assistance on my part). I am also having tremendous wrenching knee pain as well and of course bad knee means my hip is also off. So my leg is currently causing me more distress than my back. My knee/leg only ever hurt this bad when I first got pregnant (it was the initial symptom) so Sam is teasing me. I am on birth control which I never ever miss! I really don’t think pregnancy is possible, the first was a miracle (a planned miracle but still a shot in the dark). So don’t start congratulating me.

November 23 2013

I am currently engaged in an intense 30 day fitness challenge. I imagine if I ate less my results would be phenomenal. Alas my diet has been pretty terrible lately as the lack of sleep has led to a dramatic decrease in cooking and dramatic increase in energy snacking. Visually I have seen some results and physically my stamina and strength have improved. I like to exercise in the mornings because by the evening the lack of sleep culminates and my coordination takes a critical and disabling dive. The workout started out fantastic, that was before I tried to forcibly extract my spinal column. At first I thought I’d thrown out my lower back because this morning when I did yoga it didn’t pop into place like usual. My nerves are on fire the problem seems concentrated in the plexus so it feels a bit like I’ve gone supernova. I had to stop. I tried to do stretches which turned out to be a bad idea, I only barely managed to get off my back. When Sam woke up and investigated he determined it was muscular. I have had sore muscles before this doesn’t feel at all the same but then again maybe I’ve never pulled a muscle to this degree.

*

I tried taking a nap, it was horrible getting into bed but after a while I did relax. On getting out of bed I realized the problem had not resolved in the slightest. Sam tried giving me a massage which was absolutely excruciating. During the massage I started laughing and sobbing uncontrollably. I don’t know if it was shock of so much pain or if it was some sort of tension release but I was absolutely hysterical. I am still in a lot of pain. Sitting down is iffy, standing is NOT okay, laying down depends on the position. I can’t tolerate being on my back and I can’t even approach my stomach. I hate missing a day of exercise, it absolutely kills me. I wonder if I will be fit for swim class tomorrow? I have one of those fantastic bodies that loses muscle tone at a horrifying rate. I was in the hospital for a week and I lost 5 kg of muscle mass despite finishing all of my meals and bags of additional snacks that Sam brought (I must have been eating 2500 calories). I am a little freaked out because getting my body back after my bought with pneumonia was no easy feat and I really don’t want to start another uphill battle.

November 22 2013

alex stoddard photos 1 IIHIH

Yesterday I received a very strange letter in the mail, an appointment to my referred psychologist. If you recall I asked my former psychologist to reschedule the initial meeting for a later date but was denied. I wasn’t simply denied I was informed that all services would stop and if I wanted to pursue therapy in the future I would have to start the process over. I don’t know if my former psychologist had a change of heart. Maybe she reread my email and understood something she’d misinterpreted about my request? Maybe the referred psychologist was not made aware of my discontinued services? I am not sure if I will be attending this meeting alone. The original plan was to attend with my former psychologist but that would be pretty awkward now. I’ve not heard anything from her since so it seems unlikely, more likely I will go in alone. I am not sure how much this new doctor will know about me (this girl is a flight risk). I am a little unsure how I feel. I still have my reservations about therapy and I am still scared witless at the prospect of undressing emotionally in front of a stranger. Nevertheless, I feel it is a second chance and I at least ought to talk to the woman face to face encase she would have something to offer. Last night I hardly slept even though the meeting is next Friday (I have other worries too).

*

On an entirely different note. Writing for me is a very messy process. I tend to write multiple pieces simultaneously. I open countless windows and leave my finished works unsaved amongst countless other poems, stories, phrases, and stanzas. Given enough time I forget which poems I’ve shared and which stanzas/phrases I’ve utilized. No one could make sense of the mess. Half finished ideas sit around fermenting, rather promising poems/stanzas go overlooked for months. At one point I had 30 windows open. A single document could be as much as 20 pages long. The horror! Since adopting Sylvia Plath’s philosophy I refuse to delete and continue to work on my fragments until I produce a poem. I am proud to announce that currently I only have 7 pages! The longest document is 8 pages. Yes I know it is still terrible but the amount of work I’ve done is formidable. I’ve made poems out of phrases that I’ve written in the grips of writer’s block, low quality, seemingly potentionless snippets that have sometimes produced my favorite pieces. I used to delete and throw away more than ¾ of my work. What I didn’t delete was often lost due to poor organization. I don’t think I will ever be organized (I am saving more frequently though!) but I no longer give up at the slightest pinch of writer’s block or discouragement. I challenge myself and I persevere. I desperately need to update Open Office hence the italics for some reason my Open Office documents copy italicized even if the do not appear italicized in the original document.

 

November 20 2013

TV

Tell me

That I am not alone

Even as I stand

Gathering

A presaging murder

Without your heart

In my ear

Without your secrets

Arousing

My Sapphic wisdom

Do my vowels

Stand a chance

Or will they weep

Through the fissures

Of my unlaid bones

Unheeded and unwed

=

A presaging murder refers to the superstition that crows can predict death. I am having a lot of trouble connecting with my muse (who I generally perceive as female hence Sapphic), my thoughts/emotions are scattered. Poetry is such a huge part of my life, I’d be lost without my muse.

November 18 2013

My depth reviles

Only that of the Dead Sea

Buoyant,

Eidolic whispers

Rise from the belly

A fermented tongue hums

But unlike my hands

She cannot speak

=

Last night, while I slept, I came up with a poem of course I have no way of knowing if it was workable or even sensible but I had truly hoped to remember it because to my sleeping brain it was a potential piece for my blog. Though I have never done drugs I imagine it is the same sense of false genius at play here, so in reality there is no loss but it is going to drive me crazy just the same. Speaking of dreams Sam talks in his sleep. Some time ago he started reciting long calculations, which he followed up with diabolical giggling. The man is absolutely adorable and if the things he says out loud are anything like my dream poem I definitely want to know because it would be funny.