October 24 2013

entropyheart

Yesterday I had an appointment with my soon-to-be former therapist. I understand completely the rationale behind her decision but I liked her. I find it difficult to open up emotionally in artificial situations. I find it difficult to open up to a person that I will never, in any profound way, know. I find it difficult to open up in general. My emotional experience of the world is tempestuous. My mind is in the process of creating a universe. Formless energy, implosions, explosions, death, rebirth, CHAOS, darkness, illumination. How do you feel? Is a complicated question. Often I have no idea how I feel until I begin to write. Writing is my way of embodying the unseen.

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Human interactions for me result invariably in a deep unshakeable sense of humiliation. I took a monumental first step in discussing my childhood with her and the thought of repeating the experience is a bitter pill indeed. I dislike speaking of my everyday life as well hence my diary being more an exercise in abstraction. There is not a good deal to be said on the subject as I function via a schedule. If I’ve gone to see a movie I don’t really bother with details or plot lines. Did it make me think? Did it make me feel something? Never ask me what a movie was about you will end up with a very strange and nonsensical response. For me a movie very well could be described as venous or carbonated ๐Ÿ˜› I once described a movie by describing a leaf. I can watch the same movie countless times and see each time something entirely different. So I do not mind repetition. That said I have quite a difficult time personifying myself. I perceive mostly everything, myself included, energetically, organically. I am entropy (not in the purely destructive sense of course). I have to have the same conversations with myself over and over again in order to make them cohesive and concrete enough to relate.

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14 responses

      • I have tried psychotropics drugs in the past meds for anxiety, depression, bi polar, psychosis, ADD and none of them helped if anything it got worse. The ADD meds worked in some respects except I naturally have a heart rate in the 50s resting and with those meds it went up to 112 resting which isn’t really good long term.

      • Have you actually been diagnosed with all of those? Especially the bi-polar? I refused meds for my ADHD and my son did the same for ADD. We just work on behavior techniques.

      • Hmmm then I think this move is best. Those medicines can be very strong and should be handed out carefully!! I hope whatever they choose does help you…but I still love the person you are now. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • The ADD, depression, anti anxiety, anti psychotic meds I tried in the states so none of those were prescribed here. The bipolar/epilepsy meds were prescribed in Sweden but for me they were given for Epilepsy. Weirdly the meds that have worked best is my birth control since I started them I am significantly less depressed and I don’t have the monthly mood swing anymore either. I am very happy with this birth control haha. My dose is always low on meds because I am so sensitive. I overdosed on a very low level vitamin supplement and developed hypocalcemia so I have to be very careful with meds and I always take child-sized doses. For my after labor pain I took 1 Tylenol which was enough for me. So doctors are pretty wary of giving me meds and they always start super low

      • oh my….and I thought I had a low tolerance. lol That all sounds so amazing and your body should be studied. ha Birth control can be used in many ways and I used them for easing other symptoms as well.

  1. best wishes – I’m hoping you get things to click; you sound like a bit of stability is needed. I’m sorry you lost your therapist. You take care.

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