October 21 2013


I am in a terrible mood. Nothing happened of significance but sometimes trivial inconveniences overcome reason. I started my swim class with an unpleasant confrontation. I had been entering the gym with no obstruction whatever but last night an employee made it emphatically clear that I needed a gym card to enter. I am not a member of the gym. I’ve paid for a class from an outside group that is borrowing the facilities. I convinced her to let me inside so I could talk to my teacher and straiten things out. Turns out on the first day we were given temporary cards. On the first day, I went to the adult pool and practiced with one of the swim coaches, the cards were only given to those who reported to the kiddie pool with the other two coaches. No one ever mentioned a card. I was always early so I never saw my classmates entering the gym and I never had an issue with the staff so I didn’t even realize there was a problem until last night. I felt like a criminal! What if I needed to have a gym membership? I didn’t have that kind of money. What if I’d been inadvertently “stealing”? I have a real complex about stealing so I was feeling pretty guilty by the end of her lecture. Bare in mind there was a language barrier between me and the staff member, which confused the issue and heightened my anxiety. After that situation was sorted, it was just one little niggling detail after another. The pool, which is always cold, was 10 degrees colder than usual. I don’t handle low temperatures very well and I never really warmed up sufficiently to avoid cramping. Since my class is at night Sam can’t pick me up because Isadora goes to bed before I finish. So I walk home and last night it was raining! I came home soaked and freezing. I am dreading winter, I might end up with hypothermia.


I’d hoped a good nights sleep would reset my mood but both Sam and I had nightmares. I dreamed that he found someone else (someone superior in looks and intelligence) and those dreams always leave me feeling emotionally drained and insecure. In the dream Sam made a lot of very hurtful remarks. At one point during the night, Sam woke up screaming in German, poor guy was terrified. Suffice to say we slept terribly. Yesterday I had a lot of seizures. During a trip to grocery store (after the theater) I totally blanked, Isadora literally had to guide me home. Her sense of direction is exceptional thank God. My sense of direction, at the best of times is concerning, after a seizure I can have difficulty recognizing my own apartment. I am tired, gloomy, and grumpy. I just want to go back to bed and try again!


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