October 18 2013

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I have started to notice changes taking root within. These changes have not been spontaneous, they’ve evolved organically over the course of my lifetime. At times I have regressed, lost my footing, and run swinging in the wrong direction. At times I’ve stood mulishly in the center of the road, an obstacle to all that would pass nearby. At times I have sprinted forward a few feet energized by an epiphany. Most of the time I have had to crawl. Elbows and knees callused, torso littered with oozing fist-sized holes. My childhood was hard and my adulthood has seen many manifestations of hell, hells for which I alone am responsible, hells that I have fostered and fed as if my own progeny. Most of my problems now are the inventions of first world gluttony. In truth I am blessed. The life I am creating now is the life I want. I haven’t settled. I chose love. I chose to write and engage my passions. And I am striving to become healthy.

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I have started to take initiative. I have started to extend a hand to others in need. I have spent more time talking to Isadora. I have spent more time teaching Isadora. I’ve noticed that my requests are being made with more explanations than nonsensical threats. I am doing more things for myself without questioning or complaint. Am I a productive member of society? No. Am I becoming a more active member of my own family? I think so. Have I arrived at my destination? No I am not dead yet and as long as I am not dead I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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