October 17 2013

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When faced with a sadness that is not intrinsically my own I find myself at a loss. My first instinct is purely egocentric. What have I done? In my own mind I am epic, the source of all human suffering. This is a crushing burden to bare. As a child I was blamed for things out of my control. My father believed I determined the weather so when the weather spoils an occasion I still find myself apologizing!

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I know intellectually that “I” am just an ordinary person. An ordinary person who DOES NOT possess any such powers or any such intentions that I would wish misfortune on another. I don’t even wish misfortune on my father despite years of torture. Yet, the moment I am faced with pain I begin to worry irrationally, narcissistically that I have said or done something harmful. My second instinct is to repair the damage I have supposedly done. The result? I inadvertently make the other person feel guilty because I get too emotional to be of any use whatsoever. This is especially the case with Sam as I am sometimes the culprit. Even if I am the culprit I want to get to a place where I can just listen. Listening is so important I don’t have to parent or coach everyone with whom I come into personal contact. Most of the time people aren’t even looking for advice they are just looking for a sympathetic ear. Ears don’t talk, ears listen. I am a whole lot of mouth and watery eyes. Useless.

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I know everyone suffers from insecurities but when my insecurities interfere with my ability to communicate and support my loved ones that is a serious problem. Right now Sam is highly stressed so I am going to see what I can do about planning Isadora’s birthday party. I am hoping I can have the arrangements made today while he’s at work. I am hoping this will lighten his load a little and give him one last thing to worry about.

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4 responses

  1. I can relate to what you wrote and I can see how it can be problematic when it is about people we love. I do not think it is sometimes possible to eradicate this, but I think it is possible to mild it down or change it a little, mold it so it seems less useless to us.
    Good luck with the b-day party planing, we are at the moment planing a b-day party also here. Try to enjoy it, otherwise it just becomes 1 more stress to deal with 🙂

    • I always keep it simple. The plan is to schedule a birthday party at a huge indoor playground and they set everything up haha I don’t think it is possible or even wise to eradicate this habit because I think in part it comes from compassion but I do think I can work with my trust issues, self-esteem and such

      • Oh, indoor playgrounds are great! We hardly have any here tho, most people celebrate their kids b-days at McDonalds, which is lame. Kids dont even get to properly play and talk.
        I think Isa will have a wonderfull time:D
        I am neck deep in choosing a cake for Seth. I just cant decide!As usual, I will decide 1 day before the actual birthday then bake like there is no tomorrow 😀

      • I love the name Seth, in 2nd grade a little boy name Seth always sat with me in recess when I would get time out so I wouldn’t get lonely =) The playground is AMAZING and huge really huge with tunnels and slides all the way up to the ceiling

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