When faced with a sadness that is not intrinsically my own I find myself at a loss. My first instinct is purely egocentric. What have I done? In my own mind I am epic, the source of all human suffering. This is a crushing burden to bare. As a child I was blamed for things out of my control. My father believed I determined the weather so when the weather spoils an occasion I still find myself apologizing!
I know intellectually that “I” am just an ordinary person. An ordinary person who DOES NOT possess any such powers or any such intentions that I would wish misfortune on another. I don’t even wish misfortune on my father despite years of torture. Yet, the moment I am faced with pain I begin to worry irrationally, narcissistically that I have said or done something harmful. My second instinct is to repair the damage I have supposedly done. The result? I inadvertently make the other person feel guilty because I get too emotional to be of any use whatsoever. This is especially the case with Sam as I am sometimes the culprit. Even if I am the culprit I want to get to a place where I can just listen. Listening is so important I don’t have to parent or coach everyone with whom I come into personal contact. Most of the time people aren’t even looking for advice they are just looking for a sympathetic ear. Ears don’t talk, ears listen. I am a whole lot of mouth and watery eyes. Useless.
I know everyone suffers from insecurities but when my insecurities interfere with my ability to communicate and support my loved ones that is a serious problem. Right now Sam is highly stressed so I am going to see what I can do about planning Isadora’s birthday party. I am hoping I can have the arrangements made today while he’s at work. I am hoping this will lighten his load a little and give him one last thing to worry about.