I have decided that I can no longer tolerate ambiguity in my interactions, be those interactions internal or external. I want to be clear about my intentions. Clear about my goals. Clear in my responses. Clear about my feelings, needs, and opinions. I have spent so much of my life in a state of passive ambivalence. I have failed to clarify misunderstandings. I have created misunderstandings. I have lied to myself. I have lied to others. I have confused myself. I have pushed others away in an attempt to escape myself. I have run away from difficult situations. I have pushed myself into unhealthy situations. I have acted against my own nature and suffered immeasurably for it. I have literally driven myself insane trying to relate according to inscrutable social norms. Norms that I don’t understand and often find awkward and repulsive. In every attempt to adapt these norms I have managed to warp myself horrifically in the process. My goal now is a very simple one I want to be myself nothing more or less. No more mirroring what I see. No more avoiding confrontation when confrontation is necessary. I want to listen to my own heart. Not my insecurities, not my Depression, not my paranoia, defense mechanisms, panic, or fear but my own uncluttered uncomplicated heart.
If I had one piece of advice to offer people who are struggling romantically it would be this: People are not psychic and no matter how many obvious and helpful hints you’ve given I assure you they will not get the message until you speak the words plainly (even then it might not be an instantaneous revelation!). Even if you’ve known the person for a number of years you must never assume that your needs/feelings are understood if you have not clearly stated them. Take the strait-forward approach. Match your words and actions as best you can. Be true to yourself. Speak up! Listen! Communicate often.