October 14 2013

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I have decided that I can no longer tolerate ambiguity in my interactions, be those interactions internal or external. I want to be clear about my intentions. Clear about my goals. Clear in my responses. Clear about my feelings, needs, and opinions. I have spent so much of my life in a state of passive ambivalence. I have failed to clarify misunderstandings. I have created misunderstandings. I have lied to myself. I have lied to others.  I have confused myself. I have pushed others away in an attempt to escape myself. I have run away from difficult situations. I have pushed myself into unhealthy situations. I have acted against my own nature and suffered immeasurably for it. I have literally driven myself insane trying to relate according to inscrutable social norms. Norms that I don’t understand and often find awkward and repulsive. In every attempt to adapt these norms I have managed to warp myself horrifically in the process. My goal now is a very simple one I want to be myself nothing more or less. No more mirroring what I see. No more avoiding confrontation when confrontation is necessary. I want to listen to my own heart. Not my insecurities, not my Depression, not my paranoia, defense mechanisms, panic, or fear but my own uncluttered uncomplicated heart.

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If I had one piece of advice to offer people who are struggling romantically it would be this: People are not psychic and no matter how many obvious and helpful hints you’ve given I assure you they will not get the message until you speak the words plainly (even then it might not be an instantaneous revelation!). Even if you’ve known the person for a number of years you must never assume that your needs/feelings are understood if you have not clearly stated them. Take the strait-forward approach. Match your words and actions as best you can. Be true to yourself. Speak up! Listen! Communicate often.

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10 responses

  1. Wonderful advice and everyone does different aspects of this. I held a lot back for years. This year I promised to be honest with myself and everyone around me. Sounds easy, but often we hold back for many reasons.
    You are a wonderful person and do what makes you happy. 🙂

  2. Being honest with myself is one of the hardest things for me to do. Followed closely by (or lead by) being honest with other people. Part of my struggle of being on the outside looking in at 5 and at 50.
    You are very brave!

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