October 06 2013


I tied the serpent’s duplicitous tongue that I should no longer feel obliged to listen. I am still too naive to recognize design. I clipped the harpies’ wings that she should never descend on me from above. I do not address her now as my mistress. Depression may overwhelm me but I would not be the portrait adjacent its definition. Today I winter. My marrow-less bones crave for naked warmth and slumber. We are all sick. Pale, sore, and fevered. Sam kayaked for 22 km (his first time) so I suspect he will be in pain. Speaking of kayaking he was gone all day yesterday. He is afraid of water and accident prone so I admit toward the evening I was in a very heightened state of alarm. I don’t worry in a reasonable manner. I worry in an active, paranoid, the thunder is surely the hooves of four dark horses come to unmake the world kind of way. This kind of deranged concern really only happens when someone is unreachable and later than expected. I am not the sort to worry over every detail in fact I am often accused of being too carefree, even irresponsible because I take typical stressors like being flat broke and having to eat nothing but cabbage for months on end without batting an eyelash. This sounds assuredly healthier than it is because in reality when the going gets rough I switch on automatic pilot. Sometimes my automatic pilot is proficient as when giving speeches (yes I can give prepared speeches so long as no one talks to me) and sometimes it is completely useless. In either case whenever I worry it is apocalyptic. Time seems to be the biggest trigger for me. It is 6 am I must get out of bed. It is 5:33 you said you would be here at 5:30, class ends at 3:00 pm and I am out the door irrespective of dismissal. While I easily lose track of time when I am engaged in my obsessions, I know exactly what time it is without looking at a clock when I am not preoccupied.


I have swim class tonight. Last class I swam a few laps. I say swam but it was more of a directed float. I move very slowly through the water. I like best to lie face down in the pool, taking in the immense blue, arms motionless alongside, thighs pumping madly, suspended in the water, as I slip almost imperceptibly forward. I tend either to use my arm or legs when left to my own devices. I am very good at floating what I am not good at is coordinating all of my limbs. I have minimal body awareness. Which means I leave my body in the most horrific positions without noticing. Try carrying a heavy grocery bag for ½ hour with your arm bent at 90 degrees and every muscle in your bicep and shoulder brutally clenched and see what happens. This happens to me all the time. I once forgot how to relax the muscles in my gluteus and for two days strait it felt like I was sitting on boulders. How does one forget something so basic?

2 responses

  1. You write so beautifully of a world full of cages, both physical and metaphysical. I understand how it feels to be trapped within a body that you have no control over. I am so glad your swimming lessons sound like they are going well. Your strength lies in the power of your mind and your ability to transform your pain and suffering into extraordinary words of power and beauty. Such is my belief.

    • Your compliment is so beautiful Sonya! I love being in the water and really I enjoy exercise even if my body does not move as I want it, the training has helped keep my joints from locking and reduced the pinched nerves =) Thank you very much!

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