September 23 2013

bird

I suffer no hesitations when declaring my life blessed. Maybe it will never again be so but in this moment I understand what it means to have sanctuary. Now is the time to heal. Now is the time to face my dilemmas and their comorbid demons. I always thought the pursuit of happiness superfluous and vague. How does one acquire what is by its very nature a transient state? Happiness is not a specific event, it is not monetary, or coercive. It comes unbidden, a bird, whose unclipped wings declare it wild. I cannot claim dominion or ownership. She would rather die than live in confinement and indeed it is so for anytime I have grasped her she has in that very instant perished. She visits more frequently these days but still I can find no means to detain her. Perhaps I will never know her true name only those appellations which ingratiating hosts thrust upon her. What I want is not happiness exactly. What I want is to embrace life consciously

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4 responses

  1. I don’t like happiness. I prefer contentment. You are so right in that happiness is transitory; a present of endorphins to one’s synapses only to feel the upsurge drain away. Contentment is a steady state, and to my bipolar head, steady is a good state to be.

      • LOL, my outbursts are bipolar related. I can go from 0-100 in one second flat! A med called abilify is amazing for outburst issues/irritation but is only indicated for persons who have a bipolar diagnosis. Mood swings are the pits, but make for great poetry ideas, haha.

      • Bipolar runs in my family, I should say it runs rampant on both sides. I have taken meds for anxiety (disastrous effects), Depression (disastrous effects), psychosis (nothing really changed but then I would not consider myself psychotic particularly), ADD (helped my focus but my resting heart rate was 112 as opposed to 55 so it was unsafe), and I once took a medicine for Epilepsy that is also used successfully in Bipolar patients in hindsight I think I became more unstable, a lot of magical superstitious thinking and extreme impulsiveness which I also experienced on drugs for Depression. So far birth control has weirdly be the safest and most effective even though I am still far from normal.

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