Today I did an improvisational HIIT workout using Sam’s timer. I am happy to say it kicked my ass. I had no problem coming up with exercises on the spot. Actually it might be easier to film an improvisational workout because my mind would be working on the next exercise leaving it less time for anxiety/insecurity! Anyway it was a lot of fun and I don’t feel that I went easy on myself. Actually the good thing about improvisational is that you can adjust for your heart rate to keep yourself right there on the edge the entire time.
I had a rough day at work today. My job is demanding in the sense that I have a lot to do in a short time frame. The job is dirty and physically exhausting. With spring around the corner a lot of people change from winter to summer tires which means that there were a lot people in the customer service area. It is very hard to clean the customer service area, particularly the floors when it’s crowded. I also find it uncomfortable to be watched when I am cleaning. I don’t even want to think about how I smell or about my disheveled appearance. Someone at the shop had a bought of explosive green-tinted diarrhea. The bathrooms were very dirty, I am talking chiseling shit off dirty. I suppose someone attempted to clean up one of the bathrooms but what they actually did was squirt cleaner on the walls and the toilet. I am worried as to why the walls needed to be cleaned with toilet cleaner. I am also worried by the fact that they just sort of left the cleaner there like covering a surface was sufficient.
Now for reasons I cannot fathom there is a room that contains both a desk and a cot for sleeping. They have determined that the room they use for sleeping is the most suitable place for trash. That is bizarre enough but they decided to leave said to trash to liquefy. They removed the liquefied garbage but decided to leave the garbage juice on the floor. There was also a significant amount of garbage juice on the walls. So they remove the bags and decide let’s just leave this for the cleaner when she arrives. I clean once a week and I am not even assigned to clean that room (though I did clean it because my god that is nasty). How long exactly did they leave that and how could they live with it like that??? If I hadn’t cleaned it was that something they were prepared to live with indefinitely?
I have finished writing all 30 workouts for my 30 day HIIT challenge! They mostly fall in the 40 minute range with a 15 second rest between exercises. I am not sure if I am going to stick with a 15 second rest, a 10 second rest is traditional. When working in a small space it is impossible to set everything up in advance, it just gets in the way so I have to take things out and put them back in that time window which is a pain. Some exercises are easy to transition between but others require you to get up and down and switch out equipment. I don’t want the rest to be so long that the heart rate goes down but at the same time I hate when I am late to start or have to pause/rewind the video. The first 10 days are 30 second intervals, the 2nd 10 days are 40 second intervals, the final 10 days are 50 second intervals.
Sam has also finished creating a simple HIIT timer. I still have to test out the workouts to see if they are manageable. It is not easy to gauge the difficulty of a workout on paper. It will take several months to test them all out. I may actually film them as I do them and forego rehearsals altogether. I tried to make the workouts as fun as possible while still including a few of my own personal Achilles’s heels. I believe the difficulty is beginner/intermediate. I wanted to create something accessible but challenging. I am planning on filming previews for all 30 workouts so I can demonstrate the moves more consciously and offer suggestions for modifications. I use equipment in the workouts but I wanted to offer modifications for those who do not have equipment. I really wanted the no equipment modifications to be as challenging as the weighted versions. That is not easy to achieve for every exercise but that’s the goal! I also want to present low impact options baring in mind that some people have joint issues and baring in mind that some people have noise restrictions.
I attempted to film the preview for the first workout. The filming didn’t go great. I am a lot shyer than I expected lol See I know what I want to say and what I want to achieve with this but when the camera is on I just sort of blank out. I was hyperventilating before I even started moving around! It wasn’t the exercises themselves that were giving me trouble it was the socializing with the camera. I am also going to have to film in a larger room which means dragging all my equipment upstairs. I prefer being headless in a video but you can’t see what I am doing above the shoulders when standing, so the yoga room is a no go. I haven’t decided what I will do if I ever successfully manage to film these previews. I haven’t decided if I will film a full length workout video. The draw of a full length video is having the benefit of a carefully constructed routine (the preview would give access to the full routine) and the entertainment value of an engaging trainer. My social anxiety covers up much of my personality. Could be that after filming 30 previews I will loosen up. Could be that I just AM painfully awkward!
Funny when I did the test for my Pilate’s certification I was less awkward than I am alone in a room lol I mean I have taught real life classes with real life people why is this camera thing so uncomfortable?
I have written 15 workouts so far. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I have done a tremendous amount of work on the other I have to do the same amount of work again if not more. I am too tired to even contemplate a run through or a sneak peak at the moment.
I went to the doctor today to have my moles looked at. Just a general check there was nothing particular about any of them. I have never had my moles looked at before but I read recently that faired-skinned people with freckles and reddish hair have a 50% chance of getting skin cancer. I definitely tick all the boxes for the high-risk category. I wear sunscreen and avoid peak hours whenever possible but still it just seemed responsible somehow. He said they all looked fine and asked me if I wanted to remove one on my back. Most of my moles are pretty small and inconspicuous but I did have a surface mole on my back that was larger. I have always hated this mole because its ugly and it is prone to accidents so naturally I said yes! The process was very easy actually and took no time at all. He gave me local anesthetic which felt like a small needle going into the skin no big deal. I didn’t feel anything when he removed the mole and it only took a few seconds. I do, however, feel a bit queasy from the anesthetic.
After my appointment I decided to get lunch because I was hungry and figured it might help things settle. I had a vegetarian lasagna at a cute little cafe and it was delicious! I never think about eating alone until hours after the fact. When I am in the restaurant I am hungry and nothing else seems to register to my brain, I don’t even see the other customers. I probably wouldn’t even see them if they sat down and had a conversation with me. I know some people hate eating alone and they would never do so in public but eating alone is well eating and I love eating lol
Tides of Numenera arrived in the mail yesterday. I have been waiting for 3 years and now it is here! I have played the Beta but still this is very exciting news for me, who seems to be in desperate need of a nap. The mailman managed to fit this rather large package into our mailbox. I spend quite a lot of time trying to figure out how to remove packages from our mailbox, packages that are very nearly the same size as the mailbox itself. We have a standard Swedish mailbox the type you see outside of the city but the mailman recently suggested to my husband that we should buy a larger mailbox. I can just see us with a mailbox the size of a refrigerator and our mailman carefully folding sofas into it.
I have been working on a project which is extremely time-consuming. When I changed my workout schedule I quickly realized how difficult it was to find workouts that focused on the back. So I designed 6 workouts for myself. A lot of research was involved. Anyhow then it came to my attention that my favorite free online HIIT trainer seems to be gradually moving toward a paid site. Unfortunately I can’t afford to purchase the workouts. She has a 30-Day program that I absolutely love but there is a good chance that the program will eventually be removed from Youtube and moved to the paysite. Anyhow the 30-Day program doesn’t have 30 workouts. There are rest days and there are a lot repeats at the end. I always found it quite sad that the end of the program just repeats the beginning. The program states that the workouts will become progressively harder and they do get harder until they start repeating. So I have decided to write 30 HIIT routines. Obviously I don’t plan to do 30 Days of strait HIIT, I only do HIIT twice a week but it’s the idea of the thing. Sam is making me an interval timer to use on my computer as well since I can’t afford a GymBoss. I realize there are interval timers free online but I know what I want specifically lol
I want the workouts to be between 30-50 minutes a piece. If I manage to write 30 routines myself then maybe I will film them. I am struggling with this concept a bit though because I don’t have proper filming equipment so the quality won’t be great. I am not even sure if the microphone on my camera is sufficient. I haven’t tried shooting a video with the camera. I am petrified of talking on camera that is the main thing that has been holding me back. Anyhow before I can ever consider making a video I have to write up the routines and then I have to do them to see if they have a good flow and if they are the right difficulty level.
So I am still alive. Still working out. Still trying to achieve a good balance. Scheduling has always been a bit of a nightmare for me really. I strive to get everything done by 3 pm and depending on whether I can accomplish that and if I have energy (mental and physical) to spare I might make dinner. I rarely make dinner to tell you the truth at least not the healthy from scratch dinners of my dreams. Why do I have to get everything done by 3pm? Brain death. My brain is encased in ever present fog. In the morning I am able to focus better. I have energy. My mood is generally more positive. By the end of the day the fog can be incredibly dense. My energy levels plummet. After dinner (around 5:30 pm) I am pretty much exhausted. Sometimes I have seizures at the end of the day. The Depression that I had been running from during the day catches up and whacks me over the head. Everyday is a race. Everyday I try to pack in whatever I can before my brain goes all mushy and wonky and unpleasant. Once Sam comes home around dinnertime what I need is a good long snuggle. I need comedy. I need to unwind otherwise I can’t, despite being utterly exhausted, sleep and if I can’t sleep I go fucking nuts. Like really certifiably nuts. I am sure there must be a better more normal way of coping but I have not figured out how to do it. Having such a tiny window of time to fit my life activities into is challenging and completely mad but so is life.
Once again I have decided to revamp my training schedule. Here is what I have come up with this time!
Though I have not included it I do 30 minutes of yoga every morning before breakfast. If I didn’t do this session I would be overwhelmed by body pain/stiffness (because I have PTSD and Dissociative Disorder I hold a lot of tension in my muscles, have a lot of nightmares, and position my body awkwardly and painfully when I sleep). It also helps with the Depression and honestly keeps the suicidal thoughts at bay. For me yoga is medicine.
I would like to do more Hiit because it’s fun but it just doesn’t work at the moment. Thursday I have 4 hours of intense physical activity at work so there is just no way. The other days of the week I work at the factory. Some days I am carrying boxes around. Some days I have to stand the entire time. Some jobs are more physically strenuous than others. I find I am usually quite tired when I get home. I also walk more since I have started working. Now that it is getting warmer I am also going to have to find some motivation for gardening! So in the end I am just not as sedentary as I used to be so the longer, more frequent Hiit workouts don’t make sense. Saturday’s Hiit I can manage a longer session but Tuesdays will have to be shorter preferably 30-40 minutes.
I am investigating the possibility of taking a yin yoga course on Sundays. The course is 75 minutes. If I am able to do it that would be 75 minutes plus my 30 minute morning yoga plus 30 minutes to 1 hour of lower body training. The yoga class is also squarely at dinner time. Which is sort of an issue because while I am very hungry around 5pm I tend to have no appetite after 6 pm (my body switches into that weird hibernation cycle I spoke about earlier). Still Sunday would be the only day that I could feasibly do it and I do love yoga. Also yin yoga is more relaxing than say Ashtanga Yoga. Maybe I could eat half my dinner before and half of it after? I have to see how much it costs. I also have to see if the hubster would drive me into town!
Monday- Back/Posture/Pilates/Ballet (I have Kyphosis and I figured I need to spend some extra time on strengthening my back and improving my posture.)
Wednesday- Upper Body
Thursday- Yoga (my cleaning job is just too exhausting to allow for any other type of workout)
I have 6 weeks of my new routine scheduled into my journal. I am excited to see how it goes! On another unpleasant, read with caution note I am having major digestive issues. I have found that I can’t take aspirin at all, it just ruins my stomach. I was sick with the flu a while ago and so I took some aspirin for the body pain and fever and it severely irritated my stomach lining (which caused excruciating pain) and gave me a nightmare case of diarrhea. 2 years ago when I took aspirin this happened as well. I am not even taking a particularly strong aspirin but it causes really intense stomach pain. The stomach issues can last for weeks after. Yesterday my stomach was so enlarged I looked to be 6 months pregnant. I don’t think it is at the level of internal bleeding but I think it would get to that level if I had taken more pills. So if anyone knows any natural fever reducers and pain killers for the next time I get the flu please let me know!
I have a cold. I am not the only one though both Sam and Isadora have colds as well. The last few days I have been sticking to yoga-type workouts. I have also been taking naps! Usually I don’t nap because it ruins my sleep. I have been sleeping heavily both during my naps and at night and I am still feeling exhausted! The cold part of the cold hasn’t been so bad actually very minimal congestion and runnage. It is mostly extreme fatigue, fever (very persistent), and body pain. For me the body pain is in the hips down to the knees and the thoracic spine. For Sam it seems to be all over particularly in the neck. His cold started with a migraine. Isadora’s also started with a headache. She doesn’t seem to have body pain though and has more congestion/leakage (not much fever either). I have had tension in my head but nothing I would call a headache. I am also ravenously hungry, for some reason whenever I get sick my body wants to gorge.
If spring fever is what I think it might be then I also have that (I have had it for several weeks now). I am so restless. I am itching for warm, sunny days. I am not really enjoying my usual hobbies or maybe it is more accurate to say that I can’t focus on them long enough to enjoy them. I have been reading A LOT because of the commute to work and the long wait for the bus. My eyes are exhausted as a result. That coupled with my desperation for the great outdoors has made writing very challenging. I have been meditating though, also pretty unfocused but I have managed some successful visualizations. I am working on building an internal sanctuary.
Oh and I got hair cut to shoulder length! Yes I finally got it cut. I am not sure how I felt about the actual hairdresser, there was no connection and there were some issues with communication. She also seemed uneasy about working with my hair (I am looking for someone who is confident and can offer suggestions.). I came in with a lot of hair. My hair was waist-length. Sam made the appointment for me using a phone app. The result, she was rushed on time because the standard slot was not sufficient. When I was there she answered the phone (I gathered that someone was trying to book an appointment) and she asked them with this really desperate voice while glancing over at me “Do you have super long, extremely thick hair?” I feel pretty bad about it because I think if they had known about my hair previously they would have given me a longer time slot. She thinned my hair so it wouldn’t be so big but it is still big. She didn’t have time to dry it so she never got to see the finished product so to speak.
I forgot how hysterically curly my hair can be when short but I appreciate the liveliness of having curls. My head definitely feels lighter and it so much better lying down without that knot at the base of my head from the ponytail I had to wear all the time. I was wearing my hair up most of the time when it was long because otherwise it was getting in the way too much (I couldn’t exercise, eat, work, or even ride on the bus because it would get caught in other people’s things). I even slept with it because my hair was reaching out and suffocating Sam during the night. I can still put it in a ponytail, it is short and chunky haha I wouldn’t say there is a lot of style to the cut though and I was hoping for a bit of style. I am pretty happy about having went through with it though because man I needed it. I am hoping the breakage will grow out better now. Long hair can be very beautiful but I just wasn’t managing it very well. I don’t really look older or younger!
Tuesday was my first workout after my week long yoga break. I was very excited to get back into a more rigorous training routine. Yoga has been enjoyable. I needed the pause. My flexibility has improved and I even got a few good night’s sleep out of it. I am sad to say that I am back to dreaming in excess though. I wake up feeling exhausted and I remain in this kind of hazy intermediate stage much of the day. Funny thing though I seem to be capable of inducing sleep in others. I don’t mean people doze at the sound of my voice. It’s just that when I am the bus there is a circle of people around me, dead asleep. Not just in the morning which is understandable but in the middle of the day as well. Only around me everyone else on the bus is awake and animated midday. It’s like I’m exuding all my good sleep hormones!
Onto my workouts. So far so good. Tuesday was HIIT. My breathing was good. I felt I was jumping higher. I had fun. My calves are sore though (jump rope). Wednesday was an arm workout. I had 15 exercises and 30 minutes to complete as many rounds as possible. I got through 3 sets, with 8 reps each. A personal best actually. I had to make some changes to avoid putting weight onto my right wrist though. My wrist has been an issue for years. About 3 years ago I injured my wrist while jumping back into a Burpee. I tried resting the wrist but it didn’t help. Then I discovered I was tucking the wrist under my body when I was sleeping so I bought a wrist brace to sleep with at night. That really helped but before my wrist completely recovered I fell hard on some ice and landed with tremendous force on my recovering wrist! Ever since then I go through cycles where my wrist is okay, kind of weak but I can bear weight. After a while bearing weight gets painful so I take it easy. The wrist gets worse anyway and eventually interferes with normal activities so I sleep in the brace and it improves back to stage one. So never quite right but not always bad. In the worst stages it burns and my fingers fall asleep and its feels floppy and stabby and weird. I suppose I should check it out but I don’t want to go to the doctor. Today is yoga since I have my cleaning job which is quite strenuous by itself.
I have recently started meditation. The first night I slept brilliantly. Meditation is something I have always found threatening in practice, theoretically it sounds lovely. I have Dissassociative Disorder so I am not exactly on speaking terms with reality. I am certain to run into some demons during this process and I am not ashamed to say that scares me. Sitting with myself, being present, feeling my feelings I expect I am going to struggle sometimes. At the moment I am experiencing some resistance (both of the mental and physical sort). While I am meditating I am okay. I have monkey mind and I have pain/tension but it’s okay. The following day though I am tired, disoriented, and easily irritated. I have periods were I just forget how to person like I’ve had some sort of neurological episode. I am finding this very difficult actually. I imagine it’s like starting to exercise at first you are sore and exhausted! At least that is how I choose to see it. I have never stuck with meditation though so I want to give it an honest go.
For the sake of honesty my diet hasn’t been great lately. A lot of frozen meals (not that my frozen meal choices are all pizza I eat a lot of vegetarian dishes). I haven’t yet worked cooking into my schedule. Also Sam has made several batches of chocolate muffins and some chocolate balls with Oreos and cream cheese. So I have had too much sugar.
On another note I have been fidgety. I seem to want to be busy but I am not quite sure what I want to do.
It has been a while since I have last updated you guys. I have also been incredibly inconsistent about writing/posting poetry. I don’t have any excuses so I am just going to jump in with the update.
My internship at the factory has been extended to the end of April. I really like my immediate boss aka the woman I work with everyday who tells me what to do haha. She is animated and funny. She is patient. And even when there is a rush on an order she never takes that stress out on me. I would love to work there if it meant I could continue to work with her. During my evaluation she was very positive. She is all for my internship becoming a job but I am still not sure if that is possible. While I don’t fully understand the reasons I think it boils down…
View original post 1,202 more words
I realize I haven’t updated you guys in forever. You probably think I have fallen off the wagon and started storing for winter. Well I haven’t! I admit that I feel like hibernating. I also admit to an increase in appetite but I have actually been pretty consistent over all. I haven’t missed any workouts. I have had a few off days with my eating but mostly I have been sensible/moderate.
For X-mas I got a large therapeutic exercise mat and I love it! The extra cushioning has really decreased the impact on my joints. The only problem I have with it is that the squishiness effects my balance. I finally got a set of 5 kg dumbbells which has really improved the quality of my upper body workouts. I got a lot of new exercise clothes. Hubbie found a Chinese site that sells for cheap. I admit I was worried about sizing but the mediums he bought are working and they really hold everything in nicely. I also got some ankle weights for my lower body workouts, I used them today actually and they really improved my burnout section. My legs are crying! I am looking to get a Fitbit Charge 2 watch but given the price that could be a long way off.
With my internship and my later workouts I do find I have less energy but my desire to workout is still strong. I have been maintaining weight. No gain during the holidays and I really can’t hope for more in the depths of winter. I am on this journey for life mind so for me this isn’t a diet or a quick fix.
I went to the outdoor gym/obstacle course with Isadora over the weekend. We tried everything we could in the kids and adult section. There were a few things we couldn’t figure out, actually 2 things. One was a walking platform that was extremely high up (I couldn’t even touch the bottom while jumping) with no discernible way to climb. A lot of the equipment was clearly designed with men in mind given the heights and distances. They had Olympic rings set very far apart (I am not that tall and I have short arms). The only way I could get from one ring to the other was to hurl myself lol I learned I could cross the parallel bars using just my arms but that I have no idea how to climb a rope. I have a rather severe fear of heights so maybe I was just paralyzed because I could hold on perfectly fine but I couldn’t get myself to move. The monkey bars were also really tall and let me say I looked like a corpse with rigor mortis crossing them, super slow, no body movement except the minimum one needs to extend an arm. Being its winter the bars were so cold I wish I’d worn some sort of workout gloves.